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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:
MimsyFluff · 12/10/2017 14:00

If they find out they could claim the back as payment could not resist it

I'd stay quiet but when you get pregnant stop paying his ex.

CatchingBabies · 12/10/2017 14:00

And yes I suspect your GP has it wrong. It's usually if either parent has any living child you're not elligable, regardless of where they live.

MimsyFluff · 12/10/2017 14:01

Claim the child back!

MadisonMontgomery · 12/10/2017 14:02

I’m pretty sure it’s just if either of you have a child, not if you have a child living with you.

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/10/2017 14:02

It doesn't seem like you've actually thought about how to fund IVF should you need it. You can start saving what you can now, and explore the affordability of a loan or similar. It might take a while before you actually get to the point of paying for IVF, given that they are still investigating. It just seems a bit extreme to be considering fraud as your first option.

TipsNotHacks · 12/10/2017 14:03

You're absolutely right, you aren't eligible if your partner/husband already has a child, whatever the circumstances.

I can't remember exactly what we were asked when we applied for IVF funding (bear in mind it is an application for NHS funding, rather than just a case of putting your name down for IVF and waiting for the treatment) but the form definitely asked this question. You have to sign it so yes, it would be fraud if you lied.

How long have you been TTC? Have you had any other treatment yet? If not, you really shouldn't be worrying about IVF yet, it's a long road and there are often plenty of treatments available before IVF is even considered. We didn't start IVF until we'd been trying for 3 years and had exhausted the other options.

MyDcAreMarvel · 12/10/2017 14:03

*dp not do.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 14:03

It's extremely unlikely anything would ever happen. Fertility clinics usually think the rules are pretty stupid anyway and they generally say they are not there to play policeman. Go for it.

Original poster
LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 14:04

I've been reading up online as i thought it was only if the mother already has a child that you were ineligible but my GP insists that guidelines have changed and that it doesn't matter if you already have children as long as they don't live with you which is why i'm getting so confused!

OP posts:
hiyasminitsme · 12/10/2017 14:04

Google "IVF policy (your borough)" and see exactly what it says

for example in my area it is

"IVF will be offered to couples where one of the partners has a child
from a previous relationship, but the other does not. Both partners
must confirm they have NOT previously undergone a sterilisation
procedure."

Kannet · 12/10/2017 14:05

Don’t worry too much yet. There is a lot of treatment before ivf and you can do things to help. Try and get to a healthy weight ( if you are not already). Stop drinking and eat well. This was all advice given to me by my consultant. Fertility treatment is a long road and all of those things can shorten it and make the Chances of ivf working better.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 14:05

The clinic won't take steps to find out if you have children and if they do then they're very likely to turn a blind eye.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 14:06

And it's not a criminal offence either so not fraud. Just misrepresentation.

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/10/2017 14:07

Surely if you're gaining a service (that normally costs thousands) by lying then that's fraud?

GabsAlot · 12/10/2017 14:08

ar u sure thats what gp said doesnt sound right

i also know someone who was told if either has a child alreay theyre ineligible

peopl saying lie what if it was you or relative that got bumped because of fraudstrs

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 14:10

Why on earth would they have to kill someone?

DaisyLand · 12/10/2017 14:10

As other posters are saying, i believe it's related with having a child,.
when we were referred to a reproductive centre this year, one of the questions was whether my DH had a child, it wasnt requested at all whether it was living with us or not.

I've been on your shoes (my DH does not have another child) and I know how heartbreaking is that you can be disqualified for a treatment for things that many times arent on your hands to sort.
Not long time ago I signed a petition in my area to ask for these kind of issues (2nd children from another relationships) to be removed or the ones where 35+ wont get anymore treatment as I find them really heartbroken for someone that is already going through some health problems.

My partner had stopped smoking last year but still in April the C02 machine said he was smoking, the doctor said if in the next visit to the clinic he still showed the C02 high we'd be disqualified despite he's not anymore smoking. Luckily the treatment I was put on has resulted in a pregnancy.

blackteasplease · 12/10/2017 14:10

I wouldn't say anything. The answer was correct at the time you gave it.

Also you dsd is probably "staying" with you rather than living with you officially if your dh still pays cm and her dm gets child benefit. She could go back there at any time (you could argue, not saying she will!).

Cutesbabasmummy · 12/10/2017 14:10

It doesn't matter if she lives with you or not. It's the fact that your husband is able to father a child that's the issue. We had ivf using a donor egg as I have a genetic condition that may or may not be passed on to any genetic children. As far as they know I am the only person with my condition meaning that pre implantaion diagnosis was not possible. But we wanted a child. He is now almost three and delightful. It cost us £10, 000. We scrimped saved and borrowed. So yes YABU to lie. You would be found out.

DaisyLand · 12/10/2017 14:12

BTW This news is from a couple of years ago and there are many like this in MN or on the news

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2982669/Young-woman-children-denied-IVF-NHS-s-taking-case-Strasbourg-having-child-basic-human-right.html

xhannahx · 12/10/2017 14:12

Technically it would be fraud....HOWEVER the rule is ridiculously unfair, and in your position I would push forward with ivf and face any potential consequences later. Even if you did have to pay it back it would be worth every penny if you have a baby in your arms.

What a ridiculous system we have.

PesoisaTool · 12/10/2017 14:13

As PP said. Nothing to do with whether the kid lives there, it's the fact he has fathered a child. I've had ivf and it's no picnic. I'd be gutted if I thought my place was being bumped cos somebody had lied. I understand your desperation but YABVVVU.

zzzzz · 12/10/2017 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mustang27 · 12/10/2017 14:14

What @Ilovetolurk says. Your happiness counts here.

delilahbucket · 12/10/2017 14:15

You are being beyond unreasonable. Why should you get IVF for free when people like me cannot because of children from previous relationships. Is it because you want it more?