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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 14:17

Well right now we are in early stages, I previously had an issue where my periods just stopped randomly so i had lots of blood tests to make sure i wasnt in the menopause but luckily everything went back to normal after a few months and i'm not menopausal or even peri.
I've continued to have blood tests pretty much every month on day 3-5 and day 21 and its all looking good now. I've also been using ovulation test sticks to make sure we are making the most use of my ovulation days.

We weren't actually trying when my periods went haywire but since its all settled down we've decided that its probably now or never and have been trying ever since which was over a year ago.

I've had 3 abdominal ultrasounds whilst i was being investigated for the no periods which revealed everything is nice and normal - ovaries are fine no cysts or anything - no polyps or fibroids anywhere else

So now we are down to sperm count. We've had to wait 5 weeks for an appointment to have his sperm checked which is next week but then i believe we won't get the results for a week or so with the GP.

Neither of drink or smoke (not even the occasional drink!) we are both very active, healthy and not overweight.

But during all this the GP has said because of your age (38) you are probably going to be looking at the likelihood of IVF which to be honest i never thought it would come to and why i'm now so upset that i might never get the chance to be a mum as we are never going to be able to afford IVF, in the near future anyway.

OP posts:
AgainPlease · 12/10/2017 14:17

Like PP have said, you need to go back and clarify with your Gp or local borough guidelines because we were turned down for IVF on the NHS because DH already had a child from his first marriage, the child didn’t live with us.

The problem is, if you lie, and then are found out, the NHS will bill you for treatment and they won’t stop till they get it. There was a misunderstanding a while ago where the NHS though I was ineligible for maternity services (even though I’m an EU citizen and resident of the UK for the last 9 years) and they were absolutely relentless is tracking me down and trying to bill me thousands of pounds. They won’t give up!

We ended up spending around £25,000 on IVF.

Good luck to you.

Verbena37 · 12/10/2017 14:17

This seems so morally wrong of the NHS.
Obviously if those are the rules, then if you were caught, you’d be in massive trouble and have to pay back the money I made guessing. It’s fraudulent afternoon all.

However, if it’s true, have you looked into whether the rule applies in Scotland and Wales? If not, I’d consider moving there for the time of your treatment if you were able to overcome the rule.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 14:17

Policy differs from trust to trust so the people insisting it matters whether or not the child lives with you are not necessarily right. Even if they are I wouldn't be surprised if this was slight rule bending on the part of the clinic.

Skarossinkplunger · 12/10/2017 14:17

I would just keep stum if I were you. and if I were you I couldnt give a flying fuck about morals or taxpayers or any of that shit.

I despise people who lie, cheat, play the system and don't give a fuck about other people.

Original poster
LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 14:18

No Delilah - my point was if the children from the previous relationship are not your own does it not hurt that you cannot be given the chance to have your own together now??

OP posts:
MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 14:19

Incidentally, the poster up there who thinks her DH isn't smoking. He is.

lookingbeyond40 · 12/10/2017 14:20

Gobsmacked you would even consider lying. I’m even more gibsmacked that people in here thinks it’s ok.

MargaretCavendish · 12/10/2017 14:21

I know ivf is more expensive now, but can’t you just save up for it?

If she ends up needing three cycles (and there's a reason that's the NICE recommendation: many, many couples who will ultimately be successful need more than one cycle to get there) that could be £20k. Saving that would, for most people, be a multi-year project - if they could do it in five that would be pretty good. OP doesn't say how old she is but waiting five years doesn't improve anyone's fertility. They could just wait until they've got enough for one cycle - say £7000 - and then have that, knowing that if it fails (and the odds are that it will, since most IVF cycles do) they have to wait another agonising couple of years to save up again so they can give it another shot.

So yeah, why don't they just save up?

zzzzz · 12/10/2017 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneEyre70 · 12/10/2017 14:23

If you can't afford IVF, how are you going to afford a child? Surely it's a goal to work towards, save or get a loan/interest free credit card? You can't not play fair, the NHS is a very precious resource and we all need to take responsibility for how we use it.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 14:24

I despise people who lie, cheat, play the system and don't give a fuck about other people.

How about fertile people who get pregnant and claim tax credits? Costs the system way more. But apparently their need to have a baby should be funded.

Surely if we think that infertile people should forgoe treatment if they 'give a fuck about other people' then we should be imposing a one child rule on everybody including the fertile and vasectomies/sterilisation/contraception should be compulsory after one child?

CaveMum · 12/10/2017 14:24

As someone who has had 2 children via fertility treatment (OI not IVF) I think YABU. There has to be a cut-off somewhere and "not having a child from a previous relationship" is one of the stipulations.

No it's not fair and I wish there was enough money in the pot for everyone to have the treatment they need, but as others have said it is unfair to the totally childless couples out there. If you "bend the rules" what's to stop everyone else doing the same thing?

Just bear in mind that IVF is not the only fertility treatment out there, there are other things to try first depending on your issues. An article a few years ago by Prof Robert Winston said NHS Trusts are often too quick to leap straight to IVF without taking the time to investigate underlying causes. If you have an issue like fibroids, for example, IVF is unlikely to work without the removal of the fibroids first, and once this has been done you're actually likely to become pregnant naturally, so no need for IVF.

MoosicalDaisy · 12/10/2017 14:24

You can get IVF funded on the NHS even if you're single (obviously no previous children) so just go for it, you don't need to update them.

Kannet · 12/10/2017 14:24

Well Saving up would be a start. Many people myself included spend serious serious money on ivf so just stating that saving up isn’t possible doesn’t invoke much sympathy.

ShellyBoobs · 12/10/2017 14:24

I despise people who lie, cheat, play the system and don't give a fuck about other people.

I could not agree more.

It's disgusting the way some people think and behave.

MargaretCavendish · 12/10/2017 14:24

Google says ivf is about £5000

'Google' probably isn't counting the full cost, as most clinics have a 'cost per cycle' which often looks pleasingly low, but turns out to exclude things like medication and monitoring that cost hundreds or thousands.

And are you seriously saying that no one should have a baby if they don't have a spare £5k lying around?

VladmirsPoutine · 12/10/2017 14:25

Yanbu. Some things in life are bigger than rules and guidelines. I wish you every success in your IVF treatment.

CaveMum · 12/10/2017 14:26

Oh and can I say bollocks to the "if you can't afford IVF how can you afford a child?" arguement.

Unlike with private IVF, you are not asked to hand over £5,000+ before getting pregnant naturally, so how is that even a sensible statement? Angry

ForgivenessIsDivine · 12/10/2017 14:26

My heart cracked a little at the 'playing parent' comment. I hope things go well for you and you get referred for IVF if you do not conceive naturally.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 12/10/2017 14:26

In this situation I would lie, and I would not feel remotely guilty about doing so. Your husband's child is not your child, and if you needed IVF to have a child (which is by no means certain, as PPs have said) I think you would be as entitled to it as any other infertile childless person.

I also don't think there is any significant risk to lying - at worst planned funded IVF might be cancelled. It would be fraudulent however as you would need to sign paperwork confirming re existing children.

designatedSurvivor · 12/10/2017 14:27

@MargaretTwatyer

"But apparently their need to have a baby should be funded."

No, they have a baby already.

Do keep up dear.

CaveMum · 12/10/2017 14:29

@MoosicalDaisy it all depends where you live actually. My local NHS Trust has just suspended all NHS funded IVF cycles (except for patients who have lost fertility due to cancer) for the next 18 months.

lookingbeyond40 · 12/10/2017 14:29

I get bugger all help from the NHS for my Two Autistic children. We work hard to pay for it privately and we have to make sacrifices. We are not financially well off by any means. But if you want something badly enough you make it happen without deceiving an under funded, precious resource.

None of us are entitled to have all the things we want all of the time. Lying and cheating to get them is beyond reproach.

2014newme · 12/10/2017 14:30

Why are people saying that they should stop paying for the existing child? Why should the existing child suffer?
Op will it be one cycle of ivf on the NHS? As if so, start saving as you may need more cycles (I had 4).