To lie so I can have a baby?

[LittleMissNew]

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

I can totally understand how you feel because my dh and I ttc 2 years and needed investigations to see why. We found out dh had problems with his swimmers and we needed icsi but as he had a dd from previous marriage (age 6) we couldn't have ivf on nhs
Even though his dd lived with her mum and he only saw her 2 nights per week and I didn't play mum, we still couldn't have it on nhs.
I wrote to my gp to ask them to fund my drugs at least but they wouldn't
And I wrote to my mp highlighting the unfairness of the situation. I wanted a baby, my step daughter was not my child or a baby.
In the end we had a natural pregnancy: found out I was pregnant the week before I was due to start down regging for my first cycle of icsi!
It was going to cost (2007 price) £7000 per round!!!
I don't think it's fair a childless woman can't have the chance of having her own pregnancy and baby because of a child that isn't hers. I know that sounds harsh but that's the reality of it. And I know the nhs isn't a bottomless pit of money! But it's a subject, having gone through it to some extent and still remembering how I felt, I feel strongly about.

@Intrigued2know
I haven't suffered with infertility, but I was desperate to become a mother. My DH already has a son. I get the whole 'don't lie and cheat the system' stuff. But in all honesty if I was in your position I would absolutely 100% lie.
It is a ridiculous 'rule' you have to remain childless because of a child unrelated to you. No way. Do it.

This is an awful, awful rule and infertility is devastating and I would definitely not mention it. Unless you are rolling in cash!

Why not go privately then it's irrelevant

didni read pot,nothing good comes from lies

Don't worry about it, your partner's child was not living with you when your doctor talked about IVF so just leave it there.

However you may not need IVF, plenty of people try for a baby for a year or so and become anxious when nothing happens - then have three kids one after the other :-).
I hope you have at least one with minimal intervention.

I was denied IVF by my doctor
For a different but equally dumb reason
Wish I'd pushed it and lied and saved myself££££
Once they accept you it's still a two year waiting list ( was in my area)
Also, depending on reason for infertility it's only usually one round and 30% chance of success
I wish you all the best
I now a couple of childless friends who are lovely step mums, but it isn't the same as having your own...stupid, stupid rule.

YABVU.

What I always wonder is - if people seemingly cannot afford IVF, how on EARTH are they going to afford a child?

At this moment in time wouldn’t actually be lying- your partners daughter is legally resident with her mother.

She is currently staying with you both, but you don’t expect it to be a permanent arrangement.

Given the history you have outlined- your stepdaughter always goes back to her mothers end the end. If she stayed with you for an extended period and it was formalised then you would be lying.

Sounds like an entitlement of someone who thinks the rules don't apply to them....

Just realised this is a zombie thread.

To all the posters saying whether the child lives with OP is neither here nor there - well, not in all cases. In some health authorities it is relevant!!

www.fertilityfairness.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/FF-League-Table-2017.xlsx

I hadn’t noticed the thread was 9 months old and that a poster was asking for an update. Would be amazing if OP had a positive update

Chrisinthesun, I've thought that too but here in the UK most women are allowed three goes at IVF on the NHS so it costs them nothing. Seems an odd thing for IVF to be free of charge when we're always hearing the NHS is strapped for cash, I'd never really thought about it like that before.

I hope the poster who started the thread managed to become pregnant without IVF.

Chrisinthesun, I've thought that too but here in the UK most women are allowed three goes at IVF on the NHS so it costs them nothing.

Where is that the case?

Very few CCGs offer three cycles

An increasing number of authorities offer zero

http://www.fertilityfairness.co.uk

While the number of CCGs following national guidelines and providing 3 NHS-funded IVF cycles has dropped to 12 per cent, the number of CCGs offering just one NHS-funded IVF cycle has leapt to 61 per cent (from 49 per cent in 2013), and there are now 7 CCGs that have removed NHS IVF (3.4 per cent). In 2015 the number of CCGs offering 0 cycles lay at 1 per cent, since then this figure has tripled. 7 per cent of CCGs are currently consulting on removing or reducing NHS fertility treatment.

Even in 2014, 6 out of 10 IVF cycles were privately funded

In 2018 that's going to be much, much higher

Where are you getting the idea that most women get free IVF? All the evidence shows that's factually incorrect - delighted to be put right if you can advise where you've got your data from

"According to NICE, women aged under 40 should be offered 3 cycles of IVF treatment on the NHS if:
-they've been trying to get pregnant through regular unprotected sex for 2 years
-they've not been able to get pregnant after 12 cycles of artificial insemination"

www.nhs.uk/conditions/ivf/availability/

So this is the default situation nationwide, but local CCGs may have more restrictive rules due to lack of resources.

YABU to lie, though you may not need to by the time it's relevant anyway, and the system is U as well; postcode lottery as usual (could you move to somewhere that does fund it?).

I do think it's unfair especially if the childless partner is a woman, as there are biological risks to not reproducing, including various female cancers, which would likely cost the NHS much more to treat than the IVF.

Yes of course it's the NICE national guidance. Except that only a handful of CCGs implement the guidance, so it's a bit of paper only.

*@chrisinthesun
YABVU.

What I always wonder is - if people seemingly cannot afford IVF, how on EARTH are they going to afford a child?*

Just because someone can't afford to pay £7000+ for IVF doesn't mean then can't afford a child. Jeez- I have 2 and at no point in my life have I ever been able to afford to pay out 7 grand

@Winchester89 well said xxx

Well said @ winchester89. It was me who reopened this thread as I'm really interested in what decision the original poster came to and how her situation ended. There's very little on the Internet about misguiding the CCGs on if either partner has children and I have exactly the same moral dilemma.

YABU by lying to get something you want publicly funded.

if I were you I couldnt give a flying fuck about morals or taxpayers or any of that shit.

Words fail.

Hi all,
Just a quick note to say that this thread is over a year old and it's unlikely to get any updates.
------
Zombie thread alert

What I always wonder is - if people seemingly cannot afford IVF, how on EARTH are they going to afford a child?

@chrisinthesun I can't stand this argument. Do you have any idea how expensive privately funded IVF is? We ended up spending £20,000 on IVF in a 12 month period. How many people do you think can afford that? Get back in your box.

YANBU if you wouldn't be able to afford it even by saving carefully, why should you have any less right than any other woman to have a child.
If you and DP split up then you likely wouldn't see SD anymore so its completely illogical to deny you ivf for that reason.
If you both had one child each then id say YABU, but I'd just not update them which you could justify by saying it was temporary (hence child benefit etc being in mums name still).
Alternatively you could apply for child benefit and maintenance, and child element of UC if you qualify (likely you'll qualify for some amount if you cant afford ivf).

If its a matter of you could cut back and save for a few months and afford it then YAB a bit U and I wouldn't do it personally as I'd be worried about them finding out down the line with midwife visits etc.

If you can't afford ivf, you probably can't afford a child. Very few are going to say it's ok to defraud the NHS, although people do. Don't be one of them.