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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:
Increasinglymiddleaged · 12/10/2017 15:06

Do you have children 20lb?

Justbreathing · 12/10/2017 15:09

@Increasinglymiddleaged
was going to say the same.

LaurieMarlow · 12/10/2017 15:10

I'm not one for following all rules without question. Some rules are stupid, unfair, discriminatory - I see no reason why I should be a slave to those.

This strikes me as one of those cases. If it's just a question of keeping quiet I would absolutely do that.

Fast forward to 20 years down the line; do you want to be the person who played by the rules all your life and can claim the moral high ground? Or do you want to be the person who did everything you could to have a child?

That question is entirely up to you - but I know what I'd choose.

Original poster
LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 15:12

20lbs to lose - we are not married, and whilst i'd love to see my partners child as my own she doesn't really want me to right now, i'm not going to force her to, we get along great but she just doesn't see me as a "mum" if she cries she goes to her dad or she phones her mum even if its just us two on our own and i have done nothing to make her feel unwanted/unwelcome or unloved but she chooses to distance me and there isn't anything i can do about that other than wait patiently until she comes around but i certainly cant "parent" her and it breaks my heart that i may not get the chance to be experience being a parent.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 12/10/2017 15:13

banks do give loans for ivf, they dont care if its for a car/bathroom etc, as long as it gets repaid

and yes it bloody tough paying a loan/credit card every month when treatment has failed :( but we paid it and then put next lot on credit card - 0% helps for 18mths

we are still paying dd off, cost us £27k in all, successful on our 5th try, 2nd fet from 3rd fresh cycle

but she is worth every penny, and her elder siblings (in 20's) adore her

20lbsToLose · 12/10/2017 15:13

I have a toddler yes. Why do you ask?

JoJoSM2 · 12/10/2017 15:13

It's obviously fraud if you lie. Also, in NHS IVF terms, you haven't been trying for that long.

Do you both work full time? Surely even if you're in low paid jobs, it wouldn't take forever to save. Alternatively, you could take a loan outfit you want to try immediately. You could also go abroad for treatment as it's cheaper than the prices quoted above and more successful than the NHS anyway.

LittleRen · 12/10/2017 15:15

I am surprised at this rule, it doesn’t seem fair. I am not sure what I would do in your situation, I probably would be tempted to lie if I was desperate for a child. I can only imagine how hard it is not being able to have children and I imagine you would be willing to do anything to make it possible. Part of me thinks if the NHS doesn’t do the checks before starting the treatment then they are leaving themselves open to this kind of fraud anyway.... so I would probably chance it.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 12/10/2017 15:15

I have a toddler yes. Why do you ask?

So for you having a child is fine. But for the OP it's creating children unnecessarily?

ShellyBoobs · 12/10/2017 15:16

and to all the people on here who say, don't do it, and they have children, then they can fuck off. really they can.

Those entitled cunts who think fraud is totally acceptable can fuck off too.

Ttbb · 12/10/2017 15:18

YABU. That's tax payers money. If you are so desperate to have a child then pay for it yourself instead of committing fraud.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 12/10/2017 15:18

littlemiss go for it. I've been through the ivf process it's a journey! You only live once!

Good luck !

20lbsToLose · 12/10/2017 15:19

The OP wants to use IVF. I conceived naturally. If she's on an NHS waiting list then its unfair that she lies and takes the place of someone who is waiting but can't afford private.

caramelMatch · 12/10/2017 15:19

Shame there isn't some kind of 'fertility allowance' per person....a set amount and can be used for a referral for IVF cycle/s or antenatal care. When it's gone it's gone then you self find after that point.
So one person may have 3 dc and 3 funded antenatal packages. If they choose to have more kids they pay.
Someone else may need 2 Ivfs and one antenatal package and after that they self fund if need anything else.
Just a thought but might make it fairer as ivf seems to be so clouded in funding issues yet antenatal care is basically have as much as you want

Mittens1969 · 12/10/2017 15:19

No I meant couples like us (without children) could have missed out because the funding was provided to a couple with existing children. We didn’t have any children then.

We’ve since adopted so it’s not relevant to me now.

GrimDamnFanjo · 12/10/2017 15:19

I'm sure it's about the existence of a child not about where the child lives.
If they haven't already they will test your husband and ask him if he's ever got a woman pregnant. What will you say then?
I had secondary infertility and would not have been eligible for Ivf for this same reason.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 12/10/2017 15:20

Those entitled cunts who think fraud is totally acceptable can fuck off too.

I don't think anyone has said that fraud is 'totally acceptable'. They have been considering that there are shades of grey, that this rule is unfair and thinking about it from the pov of the OP.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 12/10/2017 15:21

The OP wants to use IVF. I conceived naturally. If she's on an NHS waiting list then its unfair that she lies and takes the place of someone who is waiting but can't afford private.

The most unfair thing is that you conceived naturally and she has health issues and is therefore unable to. Some daft rule doesn't make her less deserving than anyone else on the list.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 12/10/2017 15:21

It's not fraud. It's s bloody post code lottery. It's not fair and any children her dp have should accounted for as they are not op

Also little are they not doing any investigating before jumping straight in to ivf?

suzy2b · 12/10/2017 15:22

it's not even sure that she will need IVF but from what i have read is it spain or somewhere else that is cheaper and has a better success rate than england

Majormanner · 12/10/2017 15:22

no one is on here saying she cant have a baby - people are saying don't commit fraud and use other peoples money to do so

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 12/10/2017 15:23

There is no way of proving her husband has had previous kids, it's just a tick box.

stitchglitched · 12/10/2017 15:24

Majormanner I don't need to pay for it myself because I am lucky enough to have conceived children naturally. That's why I wouldn't want to judge the OP for being desperate to have what others are able to have easily. I'm also struggling to understand why those who are lucky enough to be parents are berating the OP for the cost to taxpayers. Most parents also cost the taxpayer, through NHS care and education.

OnionShite · 12/10/2017 15:24

If you'd be mid 40s by the time you've saved the money you're paying in CM and claimed CB instead, are you north of 40 now? Would you even get IVF funded anyway? On a moral level I don't give a shit, but it sounds like your GP might have got this wrong.