To lie so I can have a baby?

[LittleMissNew]

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

I despise people who lie, cheat, play the system and don't give a fuck about other people.

Bit like you don't give a fuck about the OP then?

FWIW I think that the partner's child rule is appalling. I don't see that it should have any relevance at all tbh as obviously doesn't your gp re: the comment about 'playing parent' it's hardly the same thing is it? So do what you want I reckon, I wouldn't judge tbh.

Another vote here for there being some miscommunication - the non-resident part doesn't matter, it's usually just if either partner has a child. Which is a bollocks rule in my opinion (it's the reason I couldn't receive IVF on the NHS) because the IVF treatment is a medical procedure on a woman, so ruling it out because her male partner has already had a child means that a woman is not receiving treatment for a medical condition based on the decision of a man to have a child before he even met her (in most cases).

So whilst I feel your pain OP, I do think that even if you were to lie about his child being non-resident, when you actually see a consultant they would disqualify you for treatment anyway.

I am absolutely staggered at the number of people saying they wouldn't think twice about lying to obtain something fraudulently.

Of course it hurts not to be able to have your own children with your partner - but that doesn't make you more entitled than anyone else who has to pay for ivf does it?

If you can't afford IVF, how are you going to afford a child? Surely it's a goal to work towards, save or get a loan/interest free credit card? You can't not play fair, the NHS is a very precious resource and we all need to take responsibility for how we use it.

The OP is 38 and doesn't have the luxury of time to save up. Most fertile parents can't magic up £5-6k out of thin air but they still have kids. The 'can't afford IVF, can't afford a kid' tripe is bollocks. It's just holding people who are unfortunate enough to need it to stricter standards than the fertile. Banks don't make loans for IVF.

Afaik it doesn't matter if the child is living with you or not.
In any case, if you're found out, you would probably have to pay for the ivf anyway.

And in relation to IVF/ tax credits etc. With Brexit we are going to need people to have bigger families..!

Oh. And considering the amount of money the IVF spends on drunks, smokers and the obese I find it interesting so many people choose this to be judgemental about.

And in relation to IVF/ tax credits etc. With Brexit we are going to need people to have bigger families..!

Well then it would make sense to fund both wouldn't it?

my point was if the children from the previous relationship are not your own does it not hurt that you cannot be given the chance to have your own together now??

I knew that was a possibility when I chose to be with my now DH.

People can't have DC of their own for all sorts of reasons.

It doesn’t matter whether or not she lives with you. The fact that your DP has a DD means you aren’t eligible for IVF on the NHS. Moral dilemma solved. (GPs aren’t always fully clued-up re: fertility treatment, but no clinic would treat you on the NHS knowing that DP has a DD).

My sister wasn't entitled to IVF funding because she has a non resident stepchild. She was entitled to investigations and fertility drugs though which luckily worked. Tbh I wouldn't give up on the chance of motherhood because 'rules are rules' or whatever. Especially when they are such a postcode lottery anyway. Who wants to be sitting there at 60 never having taken the chance to have a family but thinking nevermind, at least I didn't play the system.

its legally wrong and fraud, not just morally wrong

You really shouldn't lie about this. The NHS is struggling as it is, which is why it has conditions such as this in place for fertility treatment.

Have you considered getting a loan? Most private clinics offer finance deals to make it affordable. A cycle of private IVF costs about £6K, so not prohibitive if spread over 3-4 years.

How old are you by the way? If you're early 30s or younger then it may be worth putting it off for a year or 2 to save up.

2014newme

Did you read the OP? People are saying stop paying for the existing child because the child now lives them them, yet they are still sending payments to the child's mother. The child will not miss out if these payments stop.

I think if he had a child, you don't get IVF funded irrespective of whether she lives with you or not.

stitch - then pay for it yourself

Whether the child lives with them has no bearing on ivf eligibility.

i lost my nhs go as df has kids in their 20's, its unfair but thats life

we scrimped saved, borrowed,loans, credit cards, worked overtime, etc to fund our ivf

you may not have the money but you can get a loan etc, if having a child means that much to you

they will check, they ask for nhs number, passports id, birth certificate etc and will check the register of birth, marriage deaths etc for any living children

The postcode lottery once again. When DH and I were TTC, we moved house during the process. Where we’d lived previously we were entitled to 3 cycles on the NHS, where we moved to, we were only entitled to 1. So yes I understand the frustration. In the event, I went through 1 cycle, which showed I had nearly zero chance of a second cycle succeeding so it was irrelevant.

In your case, though, couples like DH and me would miss out because of your lie, sorry I do think that would be wrong. I understand why you’d be tempted, but no I can’t agree.

and doesnt matter if living with you, as df dont, its the fact he has kids

I'm not saying i cant save - of course i can save, but that amount of money is going to take years not weeks/months by which time i'm going to be mid/late 40s and chances will be even slimmer.

Presumably you took it from here zzzzz? www.nhs.uk/Conditions/IVF/Pages/Availability.aspx

Where it says exactly what I said:
The cost of private treatment can vary, but one cycle of IVF can cost up to £5,000 or more. There may be additional costs for medicines, consultations and tests.

indeed.

I spend a fair amount of time reading stuff about infertility and I've never heard of anyone who managed to get IVF treatment in the UK for £5000 all in.