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AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

(738 Posts)
Namechanged1234567890 Mon 07-Aug-17 09:44:57

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

BeeFarseer Mon 07-Aug-17 09:47:57

My first reaction: Your DH is a massive, massive cunt.

Second: What do you want to do?

Third: Please talk to someone in real life that you trust. You aren't making him look bad, he's managing that all by himself and you need support. flowers

ButchyRestingFace Mon 07-Aug-17 09:49:24

You are NBU to want to keep the baby at any stage in the pregnancy.

I would however brace myself for the possibility of having to raise this baby alone. In which case, building a support network elsewhere may be vital.

So if that means telling your mum, well, you need to access support somewhere. flowers

ChardonnaysPrettySister Mon 07-Aug-17 09:49:29

You are between a rock and a hard place, aren't you?

Can you bring up the baby on your own?

Rainbowqueeen Mon 07-Aug-17 09:49:37

It sounds like you want the baby and have no respect for your DP because of the way he has treated you. I can easily see how his behaviour could kill the love you felt for him

Do what is right for you. It seems likely that you can expect to be a single parent so think carefully about how you will manage and do what you need to do to make the best decision for you.

Notreallyarsed Mon 07-Aug-17 09:50:29

I came on to say exactly what Bee said. He doesn't want you to talk to anyone in RL in case you make him look bad, because what he is doing IS bad! Will your mum be supportive? If so she might be the best place to start.

SoPassRemarkable Mon 07-Aug-17 09:50:47

Blimey, don't have a termination just because he's pressuring you into one, especially not so late.

He is being a total cunt but I'm trying to give him thee benefit of the he scared? What would he say if you firmly said you're not having a termination at this late stage?

DonaldStott Mon 07-Aug-17 09:51:05

What a twat your 'd'h is.

Take time to breathe. Do not be forced into anything.

What do YOU want?

RainbowPastel Mon 07-Aug-17 09:52:35

Your DP needs to grow up. What a shitty way to treat a pregnant woman. He is messing with your head.

Mrscropley Mon 07-Aug-17 09:52:45

I doubt you relationship would last even if you got rid of the baby. . He is a selfish twat. .
Ltb and keep your baby.

Cheby Mon 07-Aug-17 09:53:02

Go talk to your mum, don't even think about having a termination if it's not what you want. Your DP is a cunt.

ChasedByBees Mon 07-Aug-17 09:53:13

Don't do it. You don't want to and he's had more than enough time to discuss this with you consistently at earlier stages of the pregnancy. He's blown hot and cold and left it until really late in your pregnancy.

If you have fertility issues, this could be your only chance for a child. It sounds as if you want to keep the baby so follow that.

MargaretTwatyer Mon 07-Aug-17 09:53:18

If you've been told you have fertility problems be aware this could be a massive fluke and you may struggle to conceive again. If you want a family you are right to keep this baby.

Neolara Mon 07-Aug-17 09:54:39

You clearly want to keep the baby. Keep the baby but be prepared to work out how to do it alone. Frankly, if you had an abortion in these circumstances , I can't see how your marriage would survive. Sorry. And FWIW, I think you dh is behaving appallingly.

BlondeB83 Mon 07-Aug-17 09:54:39

Think about what YOU want and use that and that alone to make your decisions over the next few weeks.

AlmostAJillSandwich Mon 07-Aug-17 09:55:31

Surely you must have been trying previously to have had all the infertity tests? If he was ready then he has no excuse to treat you like this now.

VulvalHeadMistress Mon 07-Aug-17 09:56:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch Mon 07-Aug-17 09:56:21

What an idiot.
There's only one thing that matters. Do YOU want the baby?
As you are 16+ weeks I have a suspicion we already know the answer to that one.
He is not worthy of you, or the baby.
Go to your Mum, get all the support you need and have a wonderful time being a Mum

MrsKCastle Mon 07-Aug-17 09:56:21

Don't let him dictate to you. Think about what you want. Do you want this baby? If so, please do NOT terminate. You didn't think it was possible for you to get pregnant, so you have no way of knowing if it could happen again.

annandale Mon 07-Aug-17 09:58:10

I think your husband sounds extremely mixed up. If you still think he's fundamentally good to be around, this could be regarded as having a panic attack. Just tell him you're keeping the baby and he has approximately ten weeks to get his head around it, and also that if he's going to have wobbles you'd appreciate it if he could talk to a mate or his mum because you need him to grow up a little.

Congratulations BTW flowers

kiwiquest Mon 07-Aug-17 09:59:58

There is never a right time to have a baby....... You are never prepared enough, rich enough, established in your career enough. But that's life. What do you want? I would definitely go and talk to your mum, right now you need support in what is likely the biggest decision of your life....more than your DP needs to save face at any rate. flowers

allthecheese Mon 07-Aug-17 10:00:13


100% sympahise, as weirdly I am in a similar position. Week 18, no pressure to terminate from DH but I know he isn't happy with the situation and if he knew we could just get rid of it with no repurcussions then he would.

So I have no real advice, but wanted you to know you aren't alone.

What is comforting is reading stories from other women whose DH's were terrified, and then as soon as the baby is born they love being dads.

XJerseyGirlX Mon 07-Aug-17 10:00:20

LTB and keep your baby OP, this man cant be described as a "partner" .. as soon as your vulnerable he kicks you while your down.

Pengggwn Mon 07-Aug-17 10:01:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 07-Aug-17 10:02:17

Your dh is a first class cunt. Wanting you to go through something so horrific, because. He doesn't want a baby. Its you thats going to be emotional distraught. You're the one carrying the baby. You're the one attached to him/her
Perhaps he shouldn't have dipped his wick, then.
As pp said about bringing up the baby alone. You might as be on your own.

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