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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

737 replies

Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 09:44

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:

Babynamechange · 07/08/2017 10:03

This is a crazy situation he's put you in. You were expecting to have fertility treatment of which there is no guarantee of success and now you've conceived naturally. This should be amazing news. There is never going to be a perfect time to have a baby... life just doesn't work that way. Grab this opportunity with both hands and don't look back.. xx

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 07/08/2017 10:05

He sounds very mixed up and likely helpless as you hold all the cards.

However he was having unprotected sex and so knew the consequences, if he wasn't ready he should have been brave and said so.

Namechangetempissue · 07/08/2017 10:05

Keep your baby OP. It is obvious from your post this is what you want. Good luck

MrsBobDylan · 07/08/2017 10:06

Well, it's not an easy situation but you can work with what you now know. Your dp is a cruel man without merit, certainly not worth loosing a baby you want and going through the horror of a late termination.

Talk to your mum. Your partner has asked you to hide your pregnancy so he has control over you for as long as possible.

GladAllOver · 07/08/2017 10:06

The advice you have been given above is absolutely right.
If you ever want to have a child, with your fertility problems this might be your only chance. Don't throw it away to satisfy this selfish guy who clearly doesn't want a commitment to you or your child.

AfunaMbatata · 07/08/2017 10:07

Have the baby, raise it alone if needs be.

RandomName80 · 07/08/2017 10:07

This really is a decision for both of you. Really hope you manage to find some common ground.

Viviennemary · 07/08/2017 10:08

You don't want this procedure. That is absolutely enough reason not to have it. And as for your partner. He's a disgrace. One minute saying this and the next minute the opposite. With support like tht you'd be better on your own.

HeartStrings · 07/08/2017 10:08

Not just the physical side of actually going through with the termination but the emotional side afterwards where you'll need DH's support and he doesn't sound as though he'll be there for you very much if he's willing for you to go through the termination on your own in the first place.

I would follow your heart OP and the impression I get from your post is that you don't want a termination so don't have one, I'd put that baby first before your DH's selfish needs. He's blowing hot and cold at you and it's not fair when you're full of raging hormones as it is.

Try and keep strong and get support in RL.

NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 07/08/2017 10:10

RandomName I disagree completely that this is a decision for both of them.

He can fuck off, basically.

wannabestressfree · 07/08/2017 10:10

This should be the happiest time of your life. Go to your mum and relax and enjoy. What a nasty piece of work.
I had all of my sons in less than ideal situations and never regretted them for a minute. It's your 'd'h that's the problem not your situation.

PopcornNRedwine · 07/08/2017 10:10

My initial feeling is that if you have a termination, you will regret it later.

Please talk to someone though. Thoughts are with you OP. This is a tricky one

Inertia · 07/08/2017 10:10

I'm so sorry that your partner has turned out to be such a worm.

It comes across very strongly that you want to keep the baby, but you've been totally floored by your partner's shitty behaviour- would that be fair? If you have a termination that you clearly don't want, you're likely to regret it, and the grief and resentment would poison your relationship anyway.

It's easy for us to say, but if it were me I'd keep the baby but be prepared to build a support network . Definitely confide in your mum or trusted friends- you need the support that your partner should be providing, and don't feel as though you have to hide what he's said and done.

museumum · 07/08/2017 10:10

Please don't terminate - it's really not right. I can tell just from your post. Anyone considering going through ivf cannot afford to terminate a healthy pregnancy.

Termination is only right if you really know and feel it's the right thing.

Lunde · 07/08/2017 10:10

Keep the baby
LTB

grendel · 07/08/2017 10:11

There's never the 'perfect' time to have a baby, but most people manage to make it work. You and your DH would manage absolutely fine if he wasn't being an utter dick. You don't need to have bigger house, better job etc first.
The point is he is being a supreme arse. He's possibly panicking about the prospect of change but he's dumping it all on you.
If you want this baby then keep it. With or without him you will be fine.

With your previous infertility issues this could be your only chance. How dare he keep blowing hot and cold on this! Am furious on your behalf!

laureywilliams · 07/08/2017 10:11

Talk to your Mum or trusted friend.

Stop protecting him.

formerbabe · 07/08/2017 10:11

But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person

What?! Sounds like you'll be dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

Honestly, do whatever YOU want to do.

SukiTheDog · 07/08/2017 10:12

He doesn't want a baby, YET. Oh dear. This is familiar to me. My ex DH, made all the right noises to me (baby planned but he panicked) and asked my sister to persuade me to have a termination. We had our DS. We separated and then divorced when ds was 4 yrs old. Ex loves ds now, obviously but, my poor sister kept his request to herself for over four years and told Ex to tell me himself, if that was what he wanted. He didn't.

I'm so sorry for you, OP. You could have this child and be a single mum, which is hard u less you've a lot of support. You could have a termination and regret it, both of you. But I fail to see how you two could stay together. Maybe, you could but it'd be difficult.

ticketytock1 · 07/08/2017 10:12

Gosh he is a complete twat. He doesn't know what he wants!
You need to do what YOU want to do here with or without him.
19 weeks is almost half way, you will probably have felt the baby move by then. You will find this difficult to recover from emotionally... could you imagine yourself continuing as normal with him after this??
He sounds like he needs help...
As pp have said speak to someone you trust about this irl. Good luck with your decision

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 07/08/2017 10:12

Even if you go ahead and proceed with the termination for his sake then you might feel resentful later, so your relationship might suffer.

If he comes around if keep the baby there might be some chances for it to recover, if you want him around.

Do what you want, it's your decision, not his.

ButchyRestingFace · 07/08/2017 10:12

RandomName I disagree completely that this is a decision for both of them.

He can fuck off, basically.

In any event he doesn't appear to know his own mind from one minute to the next so not someone who can be reliably involved in any decision making.

ElsieMc · 07/08/2017 10:13

Please do not do this on his say so. It sounds, sorry, like you do not have a future any way and to terminate a child which is clearly much wanted by you would destroy you. Because of previous issues, you may not become pregnant again and for this reason, amongst others, this is a precious baby. He is not worthy of you.

My own dd, when 15, chose to terminate a pregnancy. She went for the procedure and when they came for her, I just said Stop and we left together. I could just see indecision and fear on her face. He is now fifteen, a much loved and valued young man.

Do not question your pregnancy, question your partner who is being emotionally very cruel to you. Please do get some support. You and your child deserve so much better than this man.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/08/2017 10:13

Definitely bin the man and keep the baby. He sounds like a nasty bit of work and probably controlling in other ways - the decision is not his to make but I wonder if this is the first time he hasn't got his own way.

Single parenthood is hard work, but so is parenthood in general. Good luck; you can do it.

FrizzyNoodles · 07/08/2017 10:14

Since he doesn't want to continue the pregnancy it will be much more difficult to look after a baby with him around than on your own. I've been there. You'll love your baby much more than you loved him xxx

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