Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

737 replies

Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 09:44

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
AnotherLegoBrick · 07/08/2017 10:14

Scared or not he is behaving like an utter arse.

The reality is that you have fertility problems and this could be your only chance. Doubtful that your relationship would survive if you went ahead, leaving him free to move on and have children in the future.

Speak to you mum and go back there if needs be.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 07/08/2017 10:14

Oh my goodness. What a terrible situation

It seems to me that you want this baby

But let's just say you went through with a 19-week termination for your own good, and a choice made by you, how would you feel about your partner then?

He didn't come with you at 6 weeks. That's very bad, in and of itself, never mind the rest of it. When push comes to shove, will he support you?

Talk to someone you trust.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 07/08/2017 10:15

I'm so pro-choice it hurts but a termination is obviously wrong in your case because it really isn't your choice.

Your partner sounds like a massive cunt, but to give him a small benefit of the doubt suggest that you'll be keeping the pregnancy, you'll be with your Mum until further notice, that you will be pursuing him for financial support and you suggest he seeks counselling (maybe leave him with a couple of options) just in case he's actually just stupidly confused over the whole thing and can be straightened out. Then seek legal and financial advice in case you do split. Personally, I'd make sure the baby had your name too.

Maccapacca88 · 07/08/2017 10:15

It sounds like you want this baby. Keep it. Such a late abortion would be horrific enough for someone who didn't want the baby, never mind someone who does. I had terrible mental and physical health problems in my second pregnancy and was unsure whether or not to continue. I also became a single mother. Sitting here now feeding my beautiful baby, I can honestly say it's the best decision I ever made.

MimiSunshine · 07/08/2017 10:15

He sounds like he's freaking out and somewhat in denial. Doesn't stop him being a twat but he's allowed to feel shell shocked by it all.

Just tell him you aren't terminating, that window closed (for you) weeks ago and he needs to deal with it now. Sounds like he's trying to think of it as 'just' an unexpected pregnancy so no big deal but then freaks himself out by saying it's a little person.

Ultimately you do hold all of the cards so take control of the situation and stop letting him put pressure on by telling him to get on board. He's probably hoping you'll do this and will stop being a twat soon enough

AnUtterIdiot · 07/08/2017 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 07/08/2017 10:16

And I agree with Norma - this decision is yours alone. Your body, your pregnancy. Your partner's decision was to have unprotected sex, that's where his jurisdiction ends.

This could be your only chance to have a baby - don't lose something you desperately want to appease the whims of a cruel, capricious, emotionally empty man.

blahdblah · 07/08/2017 10:16

He sounds like a total bastard.

Do what is right for you and your baby.
There is no guarantee that IVF would work anyway and it sounds as if this is important to you.
He sounds like a selfish prat who doesn't know what he wants, he just wants you to make it happen. My guess is you won't be able to please him whatever you decide so do what is right for you.

SolomanDaisy · 07/08/2017 10:17

He sounds completely awful. Do not let him pressure you into an abortion you don't want.

MyOtherProfile · 07/08/2017 10:17

He wouldn't come with you at 6 weeks and yet wants you to go now so much later when it's all more significant? That'll be a no then.
He's probably just nervous and emotional. And a bit stupid and selfish. He has no idea you would get pregnant again at a more convenient time.

PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2017 10:18

This really is a decision for both of you. Really hope you manage to find some common ground.

It really isn't. It's totally up to the op.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 07/08/2017 10:18

Please go to your Mum. A termination can be traumatic enough for those who are certain it is what they need, but it has the potential to ruin not just your relationship but your mental health and ultimately your life if it's something you just go along with.

Run for the hills, away from this monster because that's what he is, not for not wanting a child but for the emotional abuse he is subjecting you to.

WeAllHaveWings · 07/08/2017 10:18

Yes, speak to your mum you really need RL support. And while you are at it tell his mother who just might slap some sense into him.

(Metaphorically, I don't advocate violence most of the time )

diddl · 07/08/2017 10:18

If you thought that you couldn't have children, & both wanted them, I can't see how this would be anything but totally welcome & why either of you would be considering a termination.

He does sound very confused & although talking about termination isn't doing anything towards it.

" I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. "

Are you being equally confusing?

You don't want it-that's it-does he know that?

CecilyP · 07/08/2017 10:19

Please talk to your mum, or another adult friend who you trust. Your (D)P is really messing with your head. As others have said, you won't make him look bad, his behaviour is bad. Having a termination this late is usually pretty traumatic and generally only done in desparate circumstances; most hospitals don't do it, hence the need to travel 230 miles. Your DP seems to think of it as nothing, but he is wrong. He couldn't be bothered to even come with you to the appointment at 6 weeks, so how could you possibly expect him to be of any support if you did go ahead with a termination. But I would really advise you not to even consider it. Just tell him you are keeping the baby as you obviously want to, and with your previous fertility issues this could be your one chance.

fruitlovingmonkey · 07/08/2017 10:19

If you want the baby then have it. Your body, your choice.
Ditch the dickhead.
Make sure you start receiving prenatal care if you haven't already.

Categoric · 07/08/2017 10:21

If you didn't want the baby, you would have had an abortion by now. If you think your Mum will support you properly, go to her and stay with her until you are sure what you want to do with your partner. It may be stressful now but congratulations on your pregnancy and I am sure you will be a great mother.

Inertia · 07/08/2017 10:21

Good point from Yetanother about giving the baby your own name .

You mention property in your OP- are all assets in joint names, are you financially protected? If not, now would be a good time to secure your assets.

RandomName80 · 07/08/2017 10:21

I find it pretty appalling that some people seem so glib about putting themselves in this position without talking to their OH first. It would be his child too so pretty troubling that there are those here who think he shouldn't get a say.

WhichJob · 07/08/2017 10:21

I am VERY pro choice, but this is not a choice this is a man ORDERING you to do what suits him against your wishes. Keep the baby, get rid of the man.

user1495451339 · 07/08/2017 10:22

Have the baby if you want to, don't if you don't.

I can't believe though that with fertility issues and the fact that you were planning to have one in 2019 you are not both seizing this opportunity with both hands. What happens if you terminate now and never get pregnant again naturally or through IVF (I also thought funding for IVF was being cut so could end up a very costly not to mention heartbreaking exercise at a later date).

PoppyJ1 · 07/08/2017 10:22

DP sounds vile and, if you ask me, sociopathic.

Tell him to fuck off, go to your mum and have your baby. If you do have fertility problems, this could be your unexpected chance to be a mum. Please don't get an abortion unless you want to and you are sure it's right for you. (There are far, far better men out there who would love to have a family with you).

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/08/2017 10:23

I agree with almost everyone else. This is your decision. I'd press ahead with the pregnancy and expect to be a single parent.

PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2017 10:24

I find it pretty appalling that some people seem so glib about putting themselves in this position without talking to their OH first. It would be his child too so pretty troubling that there are those here who think he shouldn't get a say.

He had a say at conception. The baby isn't inside his body so he doesn't get to decide whether the op should have an abortion. He can have a opinion but he doesn't get the casting vote. It's entirely up to the op.

TheNaze73 · 07/08/2017 10:24

You can only control your thoughts & be responsible for your actions.

He is clearly not going to hang around, which is totally his look out but, don't be relying on him for anything as he's shown his true colours already

Swipe left for the next trending thread