AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Sorry if I missed this bit but are your family supportive? YOu thought you couldn't have children and then have been given this chance. You clearly don't want a termination. Im afraid the only thing I would be terminating is your relationship. It won't be easy but I suspect far easier than staying with this man who may not have been bad before but is showing his true colours at the most important time in your life together. DO not do something you would regret for the rest of your life for this poor excuse of a man. Scary as it seems you will cope.

sleepfreezone he's not coming with me to the termination.. point blank refusal.
So if he wants me to have it and keep it a secret he has to come, but he won't. I'm so stuck. Whatever I do here will be wrong and I can't make it right.

I am sorry, my love, but what you've just said is outrageous

What a wanker he is

Whatever I do here will be wrong

So stop trying to please him.

Do what you want to do. I wouldn't even factor him in to the decision process.

No, it won't be wrong.

Whatever you choose to do will be right for you.

I don't often comment on such topics as it is extremely emotive.

However, what I would be doing myself today is sitting him down and telling him in no uncertain terms the following:

I am keeping this baby. I understand you have your own thoughts and fears however I have made my decision.
From today, I plan to enjoy my pregnancy and make plans for the future and be happy and positive.
The only decision you have to make is whether you are invested in this relationship and fully prepared to be an active participate father.
If the answer is yes, then great and let's enjoy this and plan together.
If the answer is no then whilst I am sad for us I understand that's how you feel. We should split as amicably as is possible with malice or ill feelings.

Give him time to digest but stick to your guns.

I wish you all the best

I'm very glad that I didn't have a termination when I found out I was pregnant. I was 16 weeks and a termination would have involved giving birth to it.

I now have a beautiful, funny boy who has been the best thing to happen to me and I can't imagine how empty and boring my life would be without him.

I hope that you make the right decision for you.

It won't be easy, that's true, but it won't be wrong.

He sounds horrible.

If you decide to keep it, given that there's been infertility issues in the past, I wouldn't be surprised if his next move is to deny paternity.

I think you need to kick him out and have the baby.

Random, this man can't even maintain a consistent viewpoint from one day to the next. Given that OP has said that he regularly throws tantrums to get his own way, he needs to grow the fuck up and stop emotionally blackmailing the OP.

OP, you need to keep the £500 a month you sub him for the baby and mat leave. He can pay his own debts.

He's being emotionally and psychologically abusive OP. He's only going to get worse, trust me. Pressuring you into a termination is also abuse and in my experience clinics will not go through with it if they suspect it's not your decision.

Are you in the UK? I'm a pregnancy crisis counsellor. I see women going through this constantly. It's heartbreaking.

Call women's aid, they can refer you for some RL support x

It would be his child too so pretty troubling that there are those here who think he shouldn't get a say

He has plenty of say in creating a child in the first place but thankfully cant force an abortion on someone who doesnt want one. That would be disgusting!

Whatever I do here will be wrong and I can't make it right.

If that is the case, forget about what he wants. You can't make him happy. He has clearly demonstrated that he has no interest in making you happy.

Focus on yourself, your pregnancy and what you want.

Funk

I'd add to the list:

If you do decide to stick with us, then you need to fall on your knees and beg for forgiveness at you previous lack of support, and prove to me that you are mature enough to parent our child

(OK, maybe a bit hyperbolic,..)

You said it in your first post OP, I don't want it done, so keep your lovely baby

As for your partner, he sounds like a man in a panic, someone who has suddenly had all their projected lifeplans turned upside-down and doesn't know how to handle it. He's on one hand desperately wanting to maintain the status quo because that's what he's comfortable with and he's wavering back to that as time goes on, the selfish git then he's having thoughts about being brave and accepting his new future as a father. Then he loses his nerve and is not able to accept the unknown. He's considering himself before he's considering you and the baby and him as a family.
He can either get over his fears and grow up or you can be a happy single mum without him in the picture.

Because of all the tests you've had, it's impossible to say, but it's inferred as highly unlikely, that you'd ever have the chance of having another baby. This pregnancy is a real 'bolt from the blue' an opportunity you may never have again. You want to keep this baby, please do, you'll make a great Mum!

With no malice that should say.

Btw you can do it on your own believe me. And whilst you don't need to point it out to him yet, he will still be financially responsible even if you have to do CMS.

Make your decision for you and stand by it. You will feel a lot stronger for it too. Oh and tell EVERYONE :)

whatever I do here will be wrong

No. Only in his eyes. He's setting you up to fail. So... you do what YOU feel right with. I'm very pro choice but it's clear you don't want a termination and if you have fertility issues you may not conceive again.

He's also making all the pressure and secrecy fall on you. Your first step is to break that by talking to someone you trust. Your mum, a friend - anyone who is outside the situation. He is banking on you not doing that because as soon as you do you will realise via that person's reaction what a colossal cunt he's being.

You will be ok. You have a job and a mortgage and savings. That money you're subbing him can go on you and the baby.

Talk to some - please.

And your point earlier about how did you end up as 'one of those women?' Well it happens very slowly and it happens to even the strongest smartest women. Don't beat yourself up over that.

You need real life support. Call your mum.

Right come on OP, why are you with him? He has debts, he sounds emotionally abusive. Is happy to blackmail you into having a late termination which may be your only chance of having your own family. Won't even come with you so he can see why you will undoubtably have damaged mental health afterwards. You wi never forgive him, he will resent you, just tell me why the hell you want to stay with this person?

He is a massive cunt. He wants you to terminate but not the responsibility of supporting you through it. If he's not being supportive then he doesn't get a say in what you do with your body.

You sub him £300-£500 a month. He's a cocklodging waste of space.

Chuck the bastard out.

My exh wanted me to abort. We'd just got married. He put so much pressure on me and I felt awful. I didn't do what he wanted. He wouldn't have supported me at all. Then I found out I was having twins and all of a sudden he's cock of the sodding north amongst his friends. Once the babies arrived he did absolutely nothing to help. He carried on as he had when he was single and spent his evenings in the pub, even bringing back his mates to see the babies when I was knackered and they were drunk.

You have to do what you want to do. Sod him. He's not thinking of you at all so he gets no say.

As a PP said, for your own good and your baby's, there is one thing I would strongly suggest you terminate: your relationship.

Let's add it up:

• you subsidise him financially to the tune of thousands of pounds a month
• he rules your life with his tantrums
• he's so oppressed and battered your sense of self that you feel like you might "have" to have a late termination even though your every post shouts that you don't want that, at all
• he's behaving like an incredible, incredible bastard to you over all of this while manipulating you emotionally till you don't know which way to turn. Like a PP said, he wants you to just "take care of it" out of his eyeline and without causing him even a second of mental upset, and fuck what that might do to you.

Can you imagine what it might be like to be free of that? Have your money be your own again, your own space, never walking on eggshells, just you and your beautiful, beloved baby? How good it might feel to say, "I want this baby, I am having this baby, I am happy about this baby, I love this baby".

Go to your mum's and tell her everything. Let her help you.

I would choose my child every day of the week over this abusive manchild.

I told him all along that we should keep it, but generally he gets his own way, either after a massive tantrum or before one starts

Looks like you've realised this just in time! This might be a good opportunity to tell your manchild to either man up or to walk away.

You've wanted this baby for so long. It'll be kicking and moving soon. Do not let this wazzock fuck this up for you.

*Hundreds of pounds a month, I mean, not that it really makes much difference to the key point.

You are not stuck.

Keep your baby. Leave this man.

This man is vile.