AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Good update OP, I am glad you made your own decision to have your baby. I am pleased for you.

From everything he's said, he doesn't seem much of a partner, more just a sperm donor.

FWIW, when I was expecting DD, my DH of 20 years tried to pressure me into an abortion. I don't think I've ever really forgiven him. DD is now nearly 20, and I'm hoping to look at a house to rent tomorrow. Should have done this years ago, but that's another matter.

Best of luck for the future and with your dc.

See how he behaves when you cut off the cash supply, OP. That will give you a pretty good indication of how much he is to be trusted in future.

Ok so swap it around. A woman who is considering a termination can do so at any week up to the 24 allowed. She can repeatedly change her mind and let her partner know this. Would that not also be awful? Or is it only awful when a man does it?

He suggested termination because he was in a place with no choice for him (rightly so) and kept flitting between wanting a baby and not he is allowed to have that opinion. If the op says she feels safe around him and he is trying why shouldn't he be given a chance? So it's ok for men to never see their baby because a bunch of women on a site told her to leave him because he's abusive (wtf?) and clearly doesn't want this baby ever.. it's bull and you all know it.

Op do what you want and only what you want, it matters how you feel and no one else. These women aren't going to have to live your life so you can't base your decision on their ideas. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby.

Thumb While you're right about the DP not being on the BC if he's not present when the baby is registered, as far as I know you can give a baby any surname you want. Even if you're married to the father, you can give the child a surname that is unconnected to either of you, I believe.

God Quack - you really have a very poor opinion of the OP, don't you, if you think she's going to just do what people on the internet tell her to.
She will, of course, make up her own mind but at least she has had a heap of advice FIRST rather than having to work out what to do in an emotional vacuum because her P wouldn't let her tell anyone about her pg, because he couldn't decide if he wanted her to go ahead. NEWSFLASH - not his decision, EVER. HER body, HER choice.

Raspberry - yeah, I admit I don't know the rules about the surname but I didn't think you could just give them any old random surname - could be wrong though.

Ok so swap it around. A woman who is considering a termination can do so at any week up to the 24 allowed. She can repeatedly change her mind and let her partner know this. Would that not also be awful? Or is it only awful when a man does it?

I think you need to bear in mind that the vast majority of terminations are first trimester, so you're fairly full of shit on this point.

The OP discussed the possibility of an abortion with her husband when they first discovered she was pregnant. I don't see how she's disregarded his views by any but the most warped of yardsticks, i.e. yours.

In re-reading the opening post I see the OP had an abortion scheduled at 6 weeks but didn't want to go alone and her husband refused to come along with her, Quack. What do you have to say about this?

We're all guilty of writing unnecessarily bitchy things every now and again, but if your posts accurately reflect your opinion on this matter, you might benefit from some reflection.

*....you might benefit from some reflection
*
Jeez, get over yourself. The OP came asking for opinions - and she got a wide range of them. That's a good thing.

Your hysterical, over-invested posts say more about you than you realise.

You lot all complain about being accused of having a hive mind, then tell people to fuck off, or character assassinate them if they express something different.

Grow up.

You can give the baby any surname you like including his without his permission. I know this for fact.

Maccapacca is right. I gave my baby a completely different surname to me and her biological father (I just liked the name, will probably change mine to the same at some point). If you don't put his name on the birth certificate he won't have as many legal rights which could help you in future if things get contentious (e.g. contact centre visits instead of shared custody). If he's been a twat you want to protect your child.

It really worries me that people like @QuackPorridgeBacon exist. Who think that women routinely flit between wanting an abortion and not up to 24 weeks. The only person I know who had one that late was a heartbroken women who had a baby whose medical condition was incompatible with life.

Also ITS HER FUCKING BODY.

Did you read anything else I typed? No I don't believe that, I believe it's probably the hardest decision ever to make.

I haven't had to make that choice but I'd definitely consider it if need be, only I can't get them done where I live. Backwards arse country.

What I am saying is, some women while considering an abortion (weeks aren't important) do change their mind, I probably would. A man never has a say (rightly so) but why should he also not have an opinion? Just because he changed his mind on what he thought doesn't make him an abusive man. I agree that saying he wanted her to abort but then refusing to go with her is wrong. Although even if he wanted the baby and she decided to abort it wouldn't matter if he went and he doesn't get to stop it.

Why are men not allowed an opinion on this matter? Regardless of wether they have any say or not.

You really shouldn't guess my views if you haven't actually read my comments..

Here was my original comment.

There's having an opinion and not recognising OPs feeling on the subject or offering any type of support.

Of coarse men should have a say but this isn't a short term fling - they've been together for years and intended to have children at some point - it's was never off the cards -

I think he's shown his true colours in regulars your feelings and what he thinks of you

I hope you're doing OK and getting some real support

How many women when trying for years also panic once they find out? Why is it wrong for men to essentially do the same. His way of going about it was both wrong and cruel but having emotions is not a choice.

If you don't put his name on the birth certificate he won't have as many legal rights

But he could ask a court for his name to be added.

Quack - of course he's allowed an opinion, of course he's allowed to feel...
But is it acceptable to attempt to deny someone else MEDICAL TREATMENT / CARE because you can't make up your damn mind and demand secrecy because he's having doubts about what he wants??
It's not like cancelling a sodding joint holiday or a wedding - it has serious medical ramifications for the OP apart from anything else!
Is it acceptable to PRESSURISE someone into an invasive medical procedure on THEIR body because you're not sure anymore?
That's the difference.

Lweji I assume he would have to demonstrate a real interest in parenting the child for a court to amend a birth certificate. It would also cost him to bring the case to court. All things that deter people who aren't serious about parenting and are just playing games.

It isn't the same because it is solely the woman's choice tbh. She is the one carrying the child and would be the one having the proceedure done.

I assume he would have to demonstrate a real interest in parenting the child for a court to amend a birth certificate.

Sure, it's just that it's not only up for the mother.
Regardless of having his name on the birth certificate or not he could still ask for parental rights, so not putting his name on the BC is just to make his claim to the child harder.

Raspberry - yeah, I admit I don't know the rules about the surname but I didn't think you could just give them any old random surname - could be wrong though

You can use any surname you like- his, hers or a name you like the sound of.

Op..I have read your last few updates..

I am a LP...I stayed with Ex far longer than I should as I desperately wanted us to be a family.. However it is very scary to do it on your own..It is ok to feel woobbly about that but this is what is best for you and your baby at the moment.

As for him..Let him do the running. He has to prove the baby , if he does, you have about 20 weeks till you give birth..You don't have to make too many decisions right now.

You don't have to fix him. I don't believe this is him been wishy washy..There are lots of elements of control in this. Let him prove it..He is not your best friend...A best friend doesn't stop you getting medical treatment, does not encourage you to have an abortion but refuse to support you through it.

Do focus on you for now. I am glad you are getting some counselling..

i think I'm explaining myself badly and I shall not bother anymore.

I'm glad I'm not a man sometimes.

Lweji as I said he would have to bring that to court and bear the associated costs which does put people off, I have personal experience of this. I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate after how he has behaved. He was pushing for an abortion fgs.