AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

If it was me (and I know this may not go down well,) I would terminate, and then ditch this fucking bastard's ass.

Do you really want a child to this horrible man?

That said, you are halfway through the pregnancy, so it's a tough one. I don't envy you.

Hugs to you @NameChanged1234567890

Have my first LTB. Whatever you decide to do you will be better off financially and emotionally without him

WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
Of course not. I can't imagine anyone would disagree with you on this.

Sounds like you're pretty clear about what you want to do so mainly you just need to remember that it's your decision.
DP's at best just get to have a supportive, advisory role.
You have every right to reach out for support at any time and especially in pregnancy to whomever you wish, particularly your mother.
As someone else said you won't make him look bad, he's doing a good job of that all by himself!
Also seems as if he's very unsure of what he would want anyway and has changed his mind many times.
Have your baby and see how things go with him x

You need to bear in mind that if you do go through with the termination ( which would be a pretty major medical procedure at this stage, and a traumatic undertaking to deal with alone, and when you want to keep the baby), there's every chance that your partner will decide after the event that he wanted to keep the baby after all, and turn on you for having the termination. He may well be one of those who buggers off and immediately has a baby with someone else. You're right, you won't be able to do what's right by him, so make the right choice for you.

I'm absolutely pro-choice, when the choice is made by and is in the best interests of the pregnant woman. It isn't the man's choice to make.

Keeping the pregnancy secret is cutting you off from any support from family and friends. It's also cutting you off from the happy stuff - the congratulations, planning and excitement.
Tell your friends and your mum.
He is being a tool. Funko's advice is spot on.
He may well have liked the idea of a baby but realised that he'll be £500 a month worse off.
Single parenthood is hard but less hard than co-parenting in an unhappy relationship.

I don't want him to look bad because until this point he hasn't been

generally he gets his own way, either after a massive tantrum or before one starts

OP, those two statements contradict each other.

This is your decision, you should not be pressured either way. Having an abortion so late is tough, physically and emotionally. Having it when you don't really want to (and not having any support with it!) would make it even tougher.

You're better off without him.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Please please please don't do anything without getting proper advice and counselling first. A termination at this stage is a major procedure and I have to tell you very very traumatic and also very painful. Please don't put yourself through something you may regret for the rest of your life for the sake of a cruel and selfish individual. Having a termination for these reasons will not make problems go away but will create a whole lot of new ones. I had a friend who terminated under similar circumstances she then went on to develop serious depression Think about what YOU want. If you want the baby you will make it work. There is help and support out there for single parents. All the best to you

As a former midwife I have occasionally seen very similar situations to this before. Including a woman who had multiple IVFs, became pregnant and then terminated at 20 weeks. When it's this extreme I would class it as some type of anxiety issue.

He is utterly wrong to ask you to terminate at any stage at all and frankly that ship sailed weeks and weeks ago. You won't do that so stop even giving it headspace.

Tell your mum today and make this pregnancy real. Also tell her your dh is anxious and confused. Even if you decide to protect him and not include the details his anxieties need to be in the open.

Talk to him and tell him that the pregnancy will go ahead. Others correctly say that this may be your one and only chance. Then ask him to get some outside help with his feelings and decide if he wants to be a part of the process. If you love him enough and can stand the uncertainty, give him some time and space. Preferably whist you are apart. Could you go away for a week or two to stay with your mum?

In fact, I have seen these situations resolve very well indeed. He may become the most loving and doting father ever. You both deserve a chance to make this work and no doubt he all so feels terrible.

Unless he's actually a bastard in other ways you haven't mentioned I would urge you to hang in there a bit more.

But tell someone today and make it real. Best wishes.

Have my first ever LTB.

Get rid of the scumbag waste of space and keep the baby instead.

I would say majority of babies arent planned but usually if you are in a loving relationship and 'plan' to have children in the near future then it should be a happy accident and termination wouldnt really br on the table as 1) there are risks as it is a medical procedure 2) for most women there are varying degrees of emotional baggage that follows on from this 3) what difference in the grand scheme of things does a year make . Best case scenario is that hubby is just having a pregnancy wobble like many women do when they are pregnant , however he should be refraining from flipping back amd forth to termination or he is not suitable father material and you may not be able to forgive him for this behaviour if you do go ahead and have the baby anyway. No woman should have a termination under duress or because there partner feels that they should as it your body. If men dont want babies then they either need to double up on contraceptio or abstain. If you are going to need ivf remember this doesnt always end in a baby, more nhs trusts wont be funding it and this may be the only baby you might have. I hope you make the right decision for you

You clearly do want your baby so you should stick to your guns. It's absolutely your body and your choice what happens. Don't allow him to bully you.

As previous posters have said, you could well end up being a single parent and it's a very good idea to talk to your DM, if you know that she'll give you the space to work things out yourself. Do you have a close friend to confide in as well?

It can also help to talk things through with a therapist, it can really help to talk things through with someone who is outside the situation you're in.

I'm very pro choice but it must be your choice and yours alone. Don't terminate unless you totally want to without any doubts.
It seems to me that he is saying to you heads I win tails you lose,.
He is being very selfish and I wonder if he thinks that your £500 a month subdsidy will stop once you go on maternity leave and the both of you have a child to support.

Oh and please make him look bad. He deserves it.

I never told a soul about my ex and his demands for me to terminate and I wish I had as he painted himself as some kind of superdad whilst doing nothing at all for our children.

This was 23 years ago and I still get angry just thinking about it.

It sounds like if you had a termination and couldn't have a baby in the future for whatever reason, you would massively regret it, even if you had to raise this baby as a single mum. You don't sound conflicted at all - you sound like you very much want this baby.

He also sounds awful, pressuring you to keep something like a late termination to yourself - whether you decide to keep the baby or not to keep the baby, you absolutely need your support network around you. Call your mum.

Please talk to your mum and get some RL support - he is behaving like an idiot because of his own issues. Don't allow him to coerce you in this way into a late termination because of his own problems especially as a very late termination where you will have to give birth will be very traumatic for you

He is being very selfish and I wonder if he thinks that your £500 a month subdsidy will stop once you go on maternity leave

This ^

Have the baby, ditch the manchild.

Your DP can fuck right off. The only person who gets to decide whether you should have a termination is you. It sounds like you don't want one so don't have one. He needs to grow up.

I went through this at the beginning of the year with my ex DP's psycho mother getting involved in trying to force me to have an abortion and stopping him from seeing me when I wouldn't. I'm now 35+3 weeks and although I would obviously prefer to have a partner there's no way I could have carried on if I'd bowed to the unreasonable demands of other people.

You would not be given such a late termination without some degree of counselling (assuming you are in the UK) and I suspect that even the tiniest amount of counselling will only serve to bring out how much you want to keep the baby, and how abused and controlled you are by this man. I hope that you manage to see this and do not try to please this man any longer (not that terminating may necessarily please him- it would be absolutely typical if he turns on you post-termination).

You sound like you have real strength- believe in yourself.

Oh OP, what an awful situation for you. It must be so hard dealing with all this whilst being pregnant.

I have had an abortion. It was my choice. It was an early abortion and absolutely the right thing to do at the time.

What you are going through is entirely different. The decision you are facing isn't about whether you want to abort the baby or not. It very much sounds like you already know that you want to keep it, but you are worried about losing your relationship and making your partner look bad.

The thing is, and I'm sorry if this feels harsh: I doubt that your relationship will survive this episode. Whether you have the baby, or decide to terminate, you will be full of resentment (rightfully) towards him. How could you ever get past that?

He really sounds absolutely awful, and not worth staying with, regardless what you decide.

Take care of yourself and (if you decide to keep it), your baby.

Unless he's actually a bastard in other ways you haven't mentioned

Matilda, did you catch the bits where OP is subsidising him to the tune of £500 a month and where he throws tantrums until he gets his own way?

I think the "actually a bastard" ship is as well underway as OP's pregnancy.

He is not a good man. Stop subsidising him and go home to your mum to give yourself space to think.

There is no 'wrong' if you do what is right for you.

Good luck

You clearly aren't going to go through with it. The decision has already been made. That much is obvious from your OP. Of course you're not going to do a 500 mile round trip for a gruelling procedure you don't actually want to have anyway and will likely regret for the rest of your life, given that you want the baby and it's potentially your only chance. Why would you? I wouldn't. You'd have to really, really not want to be pregnant to do that.

It's not even the standard issue baby v relationship, mother versus someone who isn't gestating conflict, what with him not actually having one single opinion and all. So the stuff about it being a joint decision, him getting a say etc, is not even applicable here. On top of being bollocks: I mean really, what do people actually mean by that? It's not a joint decision and can't be. Whenever people who think that are asked for clarification, it's almost always some mealy mouthed platitude about being entitled to be listened to blah blah. That's meaningless.

So the question simply becomes how do you proceed from here, given that you're going to keep the pregnancy. Will you continue the relationship, or end it? Fwiw in your shoes, if I were going to continue, I'd need assurances he's doing something to work through these highly conflicted views, and tackling his horrible behaviour. I certainly wouldn't be continuing things as they are.

Wow your Parnter is really very childish

You've been told you may never have
A child and you've actually naturally conceived - don't be tricked into thinking you'll fall pregnant again as it could be one in a million and this literally may be your only chance

I would strongly advise you speak to someone with knowledge about both termination at this late stage and keeping the child be it alone or with your partner

If you're in any doubt at all don't terminate because you can't turn back the clock - you can always put your baby up for adoption but you can't turn back a termination

Please please talk to someone urgently .... perhaps both with and without your partner to make the situation more manageable in your own head

Good luck