AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Thank you everyone I just feel so scared and so alone.
I don't want him to look bad because until this point he hasn't been.
I would've been open to a termination before eight weeks but I've been for scans and everything, I could even find out the gender now if I wanted!
I don't know what's happened. Fortunately DP and I aren't married and If we split, I'd be financially sound, I'm not wealthy but I'm a teacher on 25k a year with a mortgage of my own and 10k in savings, whereas he works 29h/pw in hospitality so in that respect I'd be possibly better off, as I'm subbing him £300-500 a month to meet his debts and direct debits.

I'm an absolute mess the thought of such a late termination pulls me apart.
I'm so terrified.
Thank you all so much

I also disagree with a decision for both of you when he is so unsupportive and keeps changing his mind. How can that help anyone come to a decision. And anyway sounds as if you've already decided. I think it's shocking to coerce anyone into having a termination. That could set you up for a lifetime of regret. Just don't. Hope things work out.

I find it pretty appalling that some people seem so glib about putting themselves in this position without talking to their OH first

They have talked. He can't make up his mind what he wants. Meanwhile, time is marching on.

It would be his child too so pretty troubling that there are those here who think he shouldn't get a say.

Fortunately the law doesn't agree with you.

What a pity the man has no choice in whether to become a father because condoms haven't yet been invented.

Does he actually realise that at 19 weeks you will have to labour your dead baby out of you? Is he prepared to watch that happen?

Eeek. Poor you.

Agree you should talk to your Mum, you need support from elsewhere.

I'm afraid he has shown you exactly the sort of person he is. He wants this irritating (to him) situation taken away from him with no inconvenience to himself, hence wanting you to have a termination at 6 weeks but refusing to come with you to the appointment. He just expected you to make his preference come to pass while he got on with something more to his interest. (Like Captain Jean-Luc Picard and his "Make it so." ) Does he expect you to sort everything at his command in other aspects of the relationship?

Sorry you are in this situation.

Op...you sound like you really want to go ahead with this pregnancy, so I think that's what you should do.

But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person

This comment makes me think that even if you did have a termination, he'd use it against you in the future.

I can't get my head around someone who can behave so selfishly, has he thought about what you want, how it will affect you in years to come, the possible regrets, the what if's...he hasn't thought about you at all, this will ruin your relationship.

You obviously want to keep the baby, you say so in your post, please put yourself first.

I think having an abortion you don't really want must be terribly traumatic, having an abortion you don't really want at 19 weeks is beyond trauma particularly as you have fertility issues. Can you imagine how you will feel at the "right time" if you can't conceive again. I know IVF is amazing but it doesn't always work and it can cost a hell of a lot in financial and emotional areas.

If you don't have the abortion is might be the end of the relationship but you would have your baby, having the abortion might be the end of the relationship and maybe the end of your chance of having a baby.

I know which I would choose but it is your choice. Just think it through looking to the future not just the next few weeks.

Sounds like you're in a good position financially. And more importantly you want children. Go and tell your mum and let her share the joy with you.

I agree with many of the PP, it's your body, it's your choice. You want kids and didn't think you could get pregnant so I'm not sure why you would terminate, but that's me and my opinion, not you and yours. If you want to terminate and try again in a few years (knowing all that you do) then do that. If you want to keep this baby (knowing all that you do) then do that.

I think though that your DP is confused. He knows it's a littler person, he know's it's quite late in the pregnancy, he knows there is a risk you might never be able to get pregnant again... but it's been a shock and he thinks it will be better in x years, or maybe he doesn't really want kids and was going to be putting you off then too (I think my DP is doing this, so might be biased).
I think the best thing for you to do is to sit him down and ask him. He can only have one answer, he's had plenty of time to think about it, he's swapped back and forth. He needs to decide. Does he want you to terminate, or does he want the baby. No more changing his mind after this. No switching back and forth, no pushing you into doing anything. It's one way or the other.
I say this just so he doesn't have that out later, it's time to be a grown up and stand by his choice. Of course at the end of the day it's your choice and if he wants the opposite to you then I don't think your relationship will last either way. There will always be resentment there especially if you abort and can't get pregnant again in the future.

Good luck OP, and please do talk to people in real life. I hope it's not him who has told you not to talk to people about this, if so I'd LTB regardless.

I'm subbing him £300-500 a month to meet his debts and direct debits.

He needs you more than you need him.

I'd stop doing that for a start, if you decide to keep the baby, you will need this money.

Sorry did see your last post. But sounds as if you will manage financially on your own. So that's one less thing to worry about. Please don't be frightened.

didn't

Please talk to your Mum. X

diddl I told him all along that we should keep it, but generally he gets his own way, either after a massive tantrum or before one starts. I'm starting to realise that I've become one of those women who perpetually disregards their own needs and feelings and puts them second to their partners.
How did this happen?

It would be his child too so pretty troubling that there are those here who think he shouldn't get a say

Tough shit.

It's biology. Women get pregnant, men don't.

He is freaking out at the thought of being a daddy.
That isn't unusual.
What is unusual and totally wrong is him telling to to terminate every time he gets windy about the prospect.

Selfish and immature. Given the other other stuff you have posted he sounds like a dickheaded manchild.

Sorry

What a c**t.

He can't tell you to terminate then absolve himself of the responsibility of supporting you.

I'm sorry OP, but if he's acting like this now do you seriously think he'll be there for you after the baby is born?!

Have you thought that if you do terminate you might be loosing your only chance to have a baby? There are risks of terminating this late and that's one of them. Is he really worth that risk?

Being pregnant is a very vulnerable time for a woman and he's seriously messing with you psychologically.

Leave him and focus on you, and the baby x

What a cocklodging bastard. Keep your baby, get rid of him and put the £500 you're throwing away on this arsehole each month towards your baby's future. Absolute no brainer - you can do this. Please get some real life support from your mum and friends.

I don't want it done and I certainly can't do it on my own the first part of that sentence says it all although the rest of your op just echoes that you want your baby. First step is speak to your mum, you were trying to have had the tests so at one point he wanted a baby. Now he's being a complete arse but that doesn't mean you don't have this chance with or without him.

It sounds pretty clear that you want this baby. I really think a termination at this point for you would be really hard to deal with. You've been told you can't conceive naturally. You are obviously ready for a baby if you were at that point of trying, you've already got one house you own and can nearly buy another- so you are financially comfortable. A late term termination is really not going to be a walk in the park. It will look like a baby at 20 weeks and you really need to be realistic about how that would affect you.

He is being so flippant with this I don't think you can rely on his attitude here.

Don't have a late termination unless you are sure that's what YOU want OP.

A late termination is extremely traumatic (had one for medical reasons) so if you have even the slightest inkling that you want this baby please do not do it. Let it be a firm decision that comes from you , do not give in to pressure.

I'm sorry your partner is so vile.

It's in extremis that people show you what they are capable of.

I think some nerves on becoming a parent are normal and natural. However, the way that he is behaving with them is completely unforgiveable. As an adult, he owes it to you to hold things together and to support you in making the right decision for your own body and your family. Putting pressure on you, in this weak and vacillating way, is just awful. I'm not surprised you feel exhausted and scared.

While raising a child by yourself is hard, hard yacker, it is probably less difficult than having a cockwomble like this to deal with. If you have good support from family and friends, I think you can do this alone. It can be helpful to get down to brass tacks and work out what your budget would look like without your DP in your life. That £500 you are subbing him would pay for a bit of childcare.

Reading your post id say ditch dp and have your baby. What a horrible thing to do to you I don't see how any relationship can get past that manipulation.