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To want him fired

(355 Posts)
StupidSlimyGit Thu 09-Mar-17 17:56:13

I've name changed for this as it could be very identifying and it's going to be a long one sorry. I'm open to being told I'm being unreasonable but want some advice.
I work for a very large retail company in one of their smallish stores as does my DP, we have maybe around 100 colleagues at most and I always thought it was a pretty friendly place to work.
I've not long had a baby, back when I was pregnant my dp had a wobble and we took a break so we could both decide what we wanted, we are back together now and have been happily so for several months. When I was about 6 months pregnant a colleague I don't know very well but who I shd worked with on occasion added me on facebook and sent me some very explicit messages. Also asked for photos of me baked, holding my boobs, in a nightie etc. I laughed the whole thing off, made fun of him for asking and blocked him from messaging me. He made it very clear in these messages he had been looking at my breasts while I was working and I found it very uncomfortable to work around him after that. I didn't report it because said colleague was recently married and had a baby of his own a few weeks old at home aswell as another child and I felt guilty that I could ruin his life. My dp when we got back together noticed how uncomfortable I was and asked about it, then, when told about the messages, went to see our stores manager without my permission who called me into her office to discuss it. I showed her the messages and discussed it but didn't put in a formal complaint as I didn't want it to end up with him fired and his wife and children in trouble financially. It was agreed that the manager would have a talk with him about appropriate behaviour, warn him that if anything like this happened again he would be in trouble, then we could all move on with our lives. That was then done. I have wondered whether I should tell his wife but not done so because I don't know if it's my place?
Since then I've found out that he has done this to other women where I work, including making one so uncomfortable she has quit her job. I have been very unsure since then on whether I made the right decision, should I have taken the offer of a formal disciplinary to make sure he knows he can't get away with it even if it meant he might have been fired?
Since then I've had my baby and noticed when I go in to do my shopping tiny town, only really one option to shop plus I get staff discount there is a real atmosphere when I'm around the team he works with and people he talks to a lot. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and am visibly shunned when I'm there which has made my preexisting anxiety worse and has made returning to work at the end of my maternity leave seem terrifying.
Today when shopping several people sniggered as I walked past, and I got up the courage to ask someone I'm friends with and can trust if she had heard anything. She admitted that everyone has heard about me and him sexting while I was pregnant and the naked photos I sent to him, apparently he has even shown some of the boys the photos!!!! I didn't send anything so they can't be me and certainly haven't engaged in sexting, I still have the conversation on my phone to prove it. Now I was single at the time, so it isn't like it could ruin my life, and my DP has seen the conversation between me and colleague on my phone so he knows nothing went on anyway, but I feel like my reputation is in shreds. I've been trying not to cry since I got home and I'm shaking knowing what they think of me and what bits of me some of the male colleagues think they have seen. I have agoraphobia and it's taken me so long to get into work and think of it as one of my safe zones, now I'm trembling at the thought of going back. I want to be sick.
DP and I can't afford for me not to work, so I cant just quit till I find something else, but I don't know what to do now. WIBU to go back to my manager, tell her what is being said and demand he has some serious repercussions? What about going to head office and requesting an internal investigation hopefully leading to him being moved/fired?
I feel guilty because it would be horrible for his wife to find out this way and I keep thinking about his kids but surely he is the one in the wrong? Should I tell his wife?
Sorry for length I'm trying not to drip feed.

CoraPirbright Thu 09-Mar-17 18:03:08

Get the cunt fired. I am sorry for his wife but he can't treat people like this!

Once he has been kicked out, the truth will spread and you will be able to hold your head up high again. Don't let this scum get away with it - for you and all the other women he has done this to.

flapjackfairy Thu 09-Mar-17 18:04:01

Yes absolutely. He has thrown your reasonable response in your face.
See your manager and make a formal complaint.
And if he is sending fake pictures of you to men i would invlove the police as this must be some form of offence.
What an awful man but hold your head high and make sure he gets his just deserts! X

sluj Thu 09-Mar-17 18:05:30

Deep breath. You haven't done anything wrong.
Time to talk to your DP and then back to your line manager. He can't behave like this and you deserve more respect.

Is your DP with you? Work on this together but don't forget you haven't done anything except be too thoughtful in not pursuing this in the first place. He sounds like a right pervert flowers

ClopySow Thu 09-Mar-17 18:06:27

Definitely go back to your manager

redexpat Thu 09-Mar-17 18:08:29

YANBU.

MrsTwix Thu 09-Mar-17 18:11:56

You could have got him into trouble before and didn't, now he has made the situation worse. It's his own fault totally and utterly.

ThePinkOcelot Thu 09-Mar-17 18:12:44

When I read your title, I thought no definitely not. However, on reading your post, I definitely think you should take this further. What a creep! Urgh!!
Hold your head high OP!! You've done nothing wrong.

WhooooAmI24601 Thu 09-Mar-17 18:15:27

Get him fired and do it immediately. He's a shit and deserves everything they throw at him.

MooPointCowsOpinion Thu 09-Mar-17 18:16:15

Get him fired! I'd be making sure everyone knew why too, his wife, his friends, everyone. Local newspaper too. Prick.

WatchingFromTheWings Thu 09-Mar-17 18:16:32

Get him fired. And speak to police. At the very least he'll have to admit to them he lied about you having sent him naked pics.

Lazyafternoon Thu 09-Mar-17 18:16:41

Definitely go back to your manager. Raise all your concerns. Do it now. Even though you are on Mat leave you are still employed so rights etc.
You really should ask to raise a formal complaint as he basically broke the trust that his slap on the risk would mean its over. He's not kept his part of the bargain. So yeah get him fired. It's his stupid behaviour that's got him in position nothing you've done wrong so let him suffer. Not you. Xxx

SavoyCabbage Thu 09-Mar-17 18:17:31

You don't need to protect his wife. She's not your wife. It's not your role to worry about her.

dinosaurkisses Thu 09-Mar-17 18:18:55

Hi OP- do you work in a local run store or is it chain, with a union?

Speak to a union rep if you can- this won't be the first time they've dealt with something like this and they can be a massive support

StupidSlimyGit Thu 09-Mar-17 18:19:42

Thankyou, I'm a bit sniffly at the support as I genuinely thought people would say I was bu. He hasn't sent the photos to anyone just showing them on his phone to them at work claiming they are me so I doubt police would be involved.
My DP knows the full situation and has been lovely. Thankfully I have the full conversation aswell so can prove nothing untoward went on on my side to the management if he tries lying.
I feel so bad for his family but I will phone my manager in the morning and get an appointment to sit with her and discuss this. I'm just hoping she doesn't say that because I turned down formal investigation before that nothing can be done hmm I have no proof of what he has been saying unless his friends who he has been telling will step forward to management and back me up.

ohfourfoxache Thu 09-Mar-17 18:20:54

Yep, go as far as you possibly can with a grievance and get him out. What a cunt angry

StupidSlimyGit Thu 09-Mar-17 18:21:19

It's a massive nationwide chain, very well known, but our union is rubbish and our rep goes out drinking on weekends with the colleague.

WannaBe Thu 09-Mar-17 18:21:59

Well, if he's putting it out there that you two have been sexting then clearly he doesn't give a shit about his wife or whether she knows so I would go to management without hesitation.

What a creep.

DontTouchTheMoustache Thu 09-Mar-17 18:22:26

What a fucking cunt. I've worked with this kind of wanker before and he will just continue with this kind of behaviour if you let it go as he knows he can get away with it. Go back to your manager and say you want to take it further. I'm sorry you are going through this but remember that he is the piece of crap and it's him who should be fucking ashamed!! angry

Hellmouth Thu 09-Mar-17 18:23:02

What he did before was not inappropriate behaviour, it was sexual harassment. I would have pushed for a formal disciplinary, personally. YWDNBU to try to get him fired.

HooplaLoopla1 Thu 09-Mar-17 18:23:39

I'd definitely report him. You were more than reasonable originally but now he's made the situation worse, he needs to be held accountable.

DontTouchTheMoustache Thu 09-Mar-17 18:25:06

Don't accept no for an answer. You have been the victim of sexual harassment and it will be taken seriously, go over your managers head if you have to.

SweetChickadee Thu 09-Mar-17 18:25:47

shock what a shit. You'll be doing his wife a favour, Straight to your manager for a formal complaint.

I'm so cross for you!

pinkblink Thu 09-Mar-17 18:26:19

Ask for another rep to be brought in if you're not comfortable with the one in store, you pay for a service with a union, make sure you use it

Patriciathestripper1 Thu 09-Mar-17 18:27:28

The man is an utter fuckkng pig.
Get back into work and see the manager asap and tell her what hasjust happened and what your friend has been told.
He dosnt deserve to work around people.
I would also contact the police and ask them if there is anything they can do?
Do you know any of the other girls that left because of him? If you can I would contact them and ask for backup with your company.

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