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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him fired

354 replies

StupidSlimyGit · 09/03/2017 17:56

I've name changed for this as it could be very identifying and it's going to be a long one sorry. I'm open to being told I'm being unreasonable but want some advice.
I work for a very large retail company in one of their smallish stores as does my DP, we have maybe around 100 colleagues at most and I always thought it was a pretty friendly place to work.
I've not long had a baby, back when I was pregnant my dp had a wobble and we took a break so we could both decide what we wanted, we are back together now and have been happily so for several months. When I was about 6 months pregnant a colleague I don't know very well but who I shd worked with on occasion added me on facebook and sent me some very explicit messages. Also asked for photos of me baked, holding my boobs, in a nightie etc. I laughed the whole thing off, made fun of him for asking and blocked him from messaging me. He made it very clear in these messages he had been looking at my breasts while I was working and I found it very uncomfortable to work around him after that. I didn't report it because said colleague was recently married and had a baby of his own a few weeks old at home aswell as another child and I felt guilty that I could ruin his life. My dp when we got back together noticed how uncomfortable I was and asked about it, then, when told about the messages, went to see our stores manager without my permission who called me into her office to discuss it. I showed her the messages and discussed it but didn't put in a formal complaint as I didn't want it to end up with him fired and his wife and children in trouble financially. It was agreed that the manager would have a talk with him about appropriate behaviour, warn him that if anything like this happened again he would be in trouble, then we could all move on with our lives. That was then done. I have wondered whether I should tell his wife but not done so because I don't know if it's my place?
Since then I've found out that he has done this to other women where I work, including making one so uncomfortable she has quit her job. I have been very unsure since then on whether I made the right decision, should I have taken the offer of a formal disciplinary to make sure he knows he can't get away with it even if it meant he might have been fired?
Since then I've had my baby and noticed when I go in to do my shopping tiny town, only really one option to shop plus I get staff discount there is a real atmosphere when I'm around the team he works with and people he talks to a lot. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and am visibly shunned when I'm there which has made my preexisting anxiety worse and has made returning to work at the end of my maternity leave seem terrifying.
Today when shopping several people sniggered as I walked past, and I got up the courage to ask someone I'm friends with and can trust if she had heard anything. She admitted that everyone has heard about me and him sexting while I was pregnant and the naked photos I sent to him, apparently he has even shown some of the boys the photos!!!! I didn't send anything so they can't be me and certainly haven't engaged in sexting, I still have the conversation on my phone to prove it. Now I was single at the time, so it isn't like it could ruin my life, and my DP has seen the conversation between me and colleague on my phone so he knows nothing went on anyway, but I feel like my reputation is in shreds. I've been trying not to cry since I got home and I'm shaking knowing what they think of me and what bits of me some of the male colleagues think they have seen. I have agoraphobia and it's taken me so long to get into work and think of it as one of my safe zones, now I'm trembling at the thought of going back. I want to be sick.
DP and I can't afford for me not to work, so I cant just quit till I find something else, but I don't know what to do now. WIBU to go back to my manager, tell her what is being said and demand he has some serious repercussions? What about going to head office and requesting an internal investigation hopefully leading to him being moved/fired?
I feel guilty because it would be horrible for his wife to find out this way and I keep thinking about his kids but surely he is the one in the wrong? Should I tell his wife?
Sorry for length I'm trying not to drip feed.

OP posts:
Bitofacow · 09/03/2017 19:33

Little X postSmile

OP unions are organised to help with situations just like this. You are NOT on our own.

Viviennemary · 09/03/2017 19:34

Sending naked pictures without the person's permission is a matter for the police and should be reported IMHO. And complaint to work as well. Nobody should get away with this.

thethoughtfox · 09/03/2017 19:39

Get the police involved and get them to speak to him in work so everyone sees.

RB68 · 09/03/2017 19:40

This is a sex offence, and is sexual harrassment in the workplace and the fact that you gave him a chance to behave and then he went on to exacerbate the situation and leave you humiliated in the work place is unacceptable. You need to speak to your boss and consider a grievance with their support and that of your union if you have one

Benedikte2 · 09/03/2017 19:44

Talk to your manager tomorrow. Take your friend with you but tell the manager your friend is your Support Person. Witness sounds too confrontational and suggests you don't trust the manager.
Good luck.
Let us know how you get on. Remember, you have done nothing wrong and are the victim here -- you gave him a chance to stop his harassment and he has revved it up a knot. His wife probably has a very good idea what he is like, but would probably defend him and it could get very ugly. So don't contact her as that could put you in the wrong.

lalalalyra · 09/03/2017 19:45

Please give serious consideration to speaking to the police, at least for advice, before you speak to your manager. Revenge porn is a big thing, and it's something that is taken seriously. You know the photographs are not of you, but the people he is showing them too do not. Once you alert your bosses there is a chance of him deleting evidence (if he's shared them with other people on his phone via messaging or whatsapp etc).

GallivantingWildebeest · 09/03/2017 19:46

Yes!

Go back to your manager and get the sleazy, cheating, ungrateful cockwomble's arse fired. Not your business. his marriage, khids kids, his cockup. What a cunt.

I'd also be tempted to print out all his messages to you and your replies and make them public somehow. What a pathetic nob.

PetalMettle · 09/03/2017 19:48

Flowers none of this is your fault.
But yes get him fired. Additional things have taken place since you first spoke

GlitteryFluff · 09/03/2017 19:55

What a dick. Flowers sorry
Definitely take it further.

EweAreHere · 09/03/2017 19:55

I'd get him fired. He's lied and pretended you sent him sexually explicit pictures of yourself when you haven't. That's outrageous and disgusting and slanderous.

I'd do everything I could to get him fired if it was me.

BonnyScotland · 09/03/2017 19:58

do you have a Head Office.... HR department ? you must report this sweetheart.... and I agree with everyone else.. you must also tell the Police he is showing images and claiming they are of you ...

LakieLady · 09/03/2017 20:01

He's an evil, slimy dickhead. Get the fucker fired, and go to the police.

He deserves at least that.

jakscrakers · 09/03/2017 20:05

He is a bully, nothing else a big bully, and someone needs to stand up to him, so get yourself to head office and take it further, how dare he try to bully and intimidate you, and turn your colleagues away from you. He is a big bullying pervert who doesn't deserve a wife and child sat at home blissfully unaware, nor to try rule the roost at work and make you feel ashamed of what? nothing you did nothing wrong do not let him put a downer on you, on your flush of motherhood, you are the innocent in this, do not feel the need to hide, speak to the others he has done this too and a delegation to head office will have this dealt with swiftly. Good luck and keep your head high you have done nothing wrong x

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 09/03/2017 20:15

Thankyou everyone, Flowers I'm just a little weepy right now realising how much support I have here. Sorry for not replying quickly I was making dinner. I do feel ashamed but you are right, I did nothing wrong here. I'm going to keep telling myself that. I feel a bit steadier now I have a plan, I did genuinely think I was being unreasonable and overreacting so its nice to know that I'm not Blush
I have just heard of another person who he has done it to, so I'm going to speak to her tonight when she gets off work (10pm) and see if she's willing to come with me tomorrow. Apparently she's reported him twice and nothings been done so I'm hoping shell be willing to make another report.
Sorry if my comment about a female manager came across sexist, I certainly wasn't trying to insinuate she'd be better or more experienced, just that I would feel more comfortable speaking to a woman because of the nature of the messages.
I'm just so shocked at the whole thing. Noone looks at me, I'm huge and not attractive and I've had two sections so my stomachs a wreck. He must be really desperate to go for me Confused

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 09/03/2017 20:16

I would be so tempted to print out the messages and show them to everyone but i wouldnt actually do it.

Speak to the store manager and get him sacked.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 09/03/2017 20:18

nodrama those aren't his initials but they are v close, I did a double take.

OP posts:
MipMipMip · 09/03/2017 20:25

Hi *Stupid. I agree with everything said here so I won't repeat it, except to beg you to please go to the police. He is scum.

Now jackanory time...
About five years ago I went to a wedding. Afterwards I looked at the photos and was horrified at so many things. A few days ago I came across the photos again and was immediately struck by how good I looked - I wish I'd known at the time.

The point is that you look at yourself with clouded eyes, all the bad bits (which usually aren't really bad) get magnified in your mind. In ten years you will look back and realise you were a stunner! Who cares about your stomach? You probably have a cheeky smile and great eyes or something else that you can't see but the rest of the world can. Try to look through their eyes every so often and you'll see that you are attractive. Ask your DP if you don't believe me!

redexpat · 09/03/2017 20:27

Point taken about female manager.

BerylStreep · 09/03/2017 20:31

I want to give my initial reaction to your OP before I read the rest of the thread, so apologies if I am saying things that have already been said, or if there is further info in the thread.

First of all - don't say anything to his wife. It isn't your place, and it could get you into bother.

You are being bullied and sexually harassed at work. You need to report the hostile atmosphere and what your colleague told you to your manager, and ask for it to be dealt with as a disciplinary investigation. Your employer also has a duty of care towards you, and so should be suspending this man from work until the investigation has been completed.

It sounds as if he has spread rumours about you in retaliation to being spoken to by his manager previously, so it is also victimisation. The fact that he has previous form for this with other women may also potentially leave your employer very vulnerable, assuming that they have been made aware of these incidents in the past, and that the victims have made formal complaints (at the moment all you really have is hearsay about the other women).

As well as dealing with this individual (and this should be dealt with as a gross misconduct matter, with the potential for him to be dismissed), your employer also needs to address the wider hostile environment - specifically to state that the rumours are unfounded, and that further victimisation will be treated as a disciplinary matter. There may be a need for training / robust and intrusive management to address this.

This is a horrible thing to have happened to you. He is a sexual predator and a bully. Finally, the consequences for him & his family as a result of his sexually predatory behaviour are not your responsibility.

IrnBruTortie · 09/03/2017 20:34

Where in the UK are you? If you were anywhere near me, I'd come with you tomorrow.
You are absolutely ( absolutely!) doing the right thing. All the very best - you are not in the wrong.

PunjanaTea · 09/03/2017 20:38

Your manager should be taking reports about his sexual harassment of female staff more seriously. He needs to be put through a proper disciplinery procedure at the very least. I don't have enough HR knowledge to say for certain but I suspect it could be gross misconduct.

If you are working for a national chain, there should be a proper HR team and area management that you can go to if your manager fails to deal with this appropriately.

Best of luck and remember this is not your fault, he is the one in the wrong not you.

Cherrysoup · 09/03/2017 20:55

Agree, if HR go out drinking with him, it may be unhelpful to ask them to get involved. Go for the regional rep instead and formalise this properly. This man is a menace and needs to be stopped.

BerylStreep · 09/03/2017 21:04

There is good advice about reporting it to the police.

It could potentially be revenge porn, if he has altered a photograph to make it appear that it is an intimate photo of you (s33 Criminal Justice & Courts Act 2015), although you haven't seen the alleged photos, and nor, presumably, has your friend - so it depends on what he has actually shown people.

Additionally, it is harassment, in the criminal sense. The fact he has already been spoken to about this in the workplace strengthens the criminal complaint.

I agree with the pp who made the point that you should report the matter to police as a priority, as there is a risk that he may delete or destroy any evidence on his phone if he is alerted by your employer. You can still have the meeting with your manager tomorrow, but explain that you are also making a criminal complaint, and ask for them not to take any immediate action until the criminal matter is initiated.

What a cunt.

ChasedByBees · 09/03/2017 21:05

Really great post by Berylstreep.

PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus · 09/03/2017 21:08

Good advice from Beryl.