To want him fired

[StupidSlimyGit]

I've name changed for this as it could be very identifying and it's going to be a long one sorry. I'm open to being told I'm being unreasonable but want some advice.
I work for a very large retail company in one of their smallish stores as does my DP, we have maybe around 100 colleagues at most and I always thought it was a pretty friendly place to work.
I've not long had a baby, back when I was pregnant my dp had a wobble and we took a break so we could both decide what we wanted, we are back together now and have been happily so for several months. When I was about 6 months pregnant a colleague I don't know very well but who I shd worked with on occasion added me on facebook and sent me some very explicit messages. Also asked for photos of me baked, holding my boobs, in a nightie etc. I laughed the whole thing off, made fun of him for asking and blocked him from messaging me. He made it very clear in these messages he had been looking at my breasts while I was working and I found it very uncomfortable to work around him after that. I didn't report it because said colleague was recently married and had a baby of his own a few weeks old at home aswell as another child and I felt guilty that I could ruin his life. My dp when we got back together noticed how uncomfortable I was and asked about it, then, when told about the messages, went to see our stores manager without my permission who called me into her office to discuss it. I showed her the messages and discussed it but didn't put in a formal complaint as I didn't want it to end up with him fired and his wife and children in trouble financially. It was agreed that the manager would have a talk with him about appropriate behaviour, warn him that if anything like this happened again he would be in trouble, then we could all move on with our lives. That was then done. I have wondered whether I should tell his wife but not done so because I don't know if it's my place?
Since then I've found out that he has done this to other women where I work, including making one so uncomfortable she has quit her job. I have been very unsure since then on whether I made the right decision, should I have taken the offer of a formal disciplinary to make sure he knows he can't get away with it even if it meant he might have been fired?
Since then I've had my baby and noticed when I go in to do my shopping tiny town, only really one option to shop plus I get staff discount there is a real atmosphere when I'm around the team he works with and people he talks to a lot. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and am visibly shunned when I'm there which has made my preexisting anxiety worse and has made returning to work at the end of my maternity leave seem terrifying.
Today when shopping several people sniggered as I walked past, and I got up the courage to ask someone I'm friends with and can trust if she had heard anything. She admitted that everyone has heard about me and him sexting while I was pregnant and the naked photos I sent to him, apparently he has even shown some of the boys the photos!!!! I didn't send anything so they can't be me and certainly haven't engaged in sexting, I still have the conversation on my phone to prove it. Now I was single at the time, so it isn't like it could ruin my life, and my DP has seen the conversation between me and colleague on my phone so he knows nothing went on anyway, but I feel like my reputation is in shreds. I've been trying not to cry since I got home and I'm shaking knowing what they think of me and what bits of me some of the male colleagues think they have seen. I have agoraphobia and it's taken me so long to get into work and think of it as one of my safe zones, now I'm trembling at the thought of going back. I want to be sick.
DP and I can't afford for me not to work, so I cant just quit till I find something else, but I don't know what to do now. WIBU to go back to my manager, tell her what is being said and demand he has some serious repercussions? What about going to head office and requesting an internal investigation hopefully leading to him being moved/fired?
I feel guilty because it would be horrible for his wife to find out this way and I keep thinking about his kids but surely he is the one in the wrong? Should I tell his wife?
Sorry for length I'm trying not to drip feed.

Fucking hell!

Sorry to say but baby or not for him I'd have reported him the moment he asked for naked pics of you.

Dirty bastard.

That has mAde me so angry.
I hope you are alright, that is so horrible for you.

You actually have a new complaint to raise with your manager. Your colleague has been slandering you and in a sexual way. If they don't deal with it they are leaving themselves open to a lawsuit for doing nothing about a hostile work environment, or for constructive dismissal if you feel you can't work there due to his lies.

Definitely renew the complaint and hopefully the other women affected will come forward. I think your manager understood that you thought talking to him would be enough to deal with it, but it wasn't (he clearly hasn't learned his lesson) so now more formal measures have to be taken.

Right I'm going to get an appointment with her asap. Should I ask for another person to be in the room as a witness? I don't really want it to go around the entire store if anyone doesn't know yet but I'm not sure if I need someone there to witness my request incase nothing is done so I can go further? She was lovely about it the first time but because I said she was welcome to handle it in a quiet manner I'm not sure she won't think I'm wasting her time going back now. I feel a bit stupid for thinking a quiet word would work but I was pregnant, about 34 weeks when I saw her about it, and DD was born at 36 weeks by ELCS so I just wanted it sorted quickly and quietly without distressing his wife.
Should I contact her and tell her what's going on? I don't really want to but I don't know if I should, we've only met twice at work parties and she's so lovely, their baby is only a couple of months older than my DD.

I think the police will take action. Those photos are of someone. Definitely complain to your boss, you had an agreement and he's the one whose escalated it. You owe him nothing and the only person responsible for hurting his wife is him.

His family are nothing to do with you! He has put their future financial situation in (possible) jeopardy not you!

Take a step back.

If someone did this to your daughter or another loved one what would you want her to do and what would you want to happen?

Does that help you to understand how wrong what has been done to you is because it's harder to see clearly when it's you it's happening to you as it gets clouded by emotions.

He has repeatedly harassed and hounded you and other women and someone has to take a stand to protect others but also so you can take back your power and control because this was done to you not by you

Good luck!

Jesus! You think more of his wife and baby than he does! If he cared about putting food on the table he wouldn't keep engaging in disciplinary offences. It isn't the first time he's done it, he escalated when he was informed of your first complaint - he thinks he's untouchable.

Get into your manager tomorrow and start a formal grievance. If they are worth their salt they'll probably be delighted someone is taking a stand.

But there will be gossip when this is ongoing so you have to find a bit of backbone and you have to remember he did this to himself.

The manager warned him about inappropriate behaviour and he has ignored it and continues to cross the line. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences.

What a horrible situation. You seem to be dealing with it very well. Remember this is not your fault.

If he's shown naked pictures around claiming they're of you, that is harassment and I suspect the police would be involved, though that would depend on whether other people are prepared to give evidence saying so.

Don't contact his wife.

I would ask your friend to be a witness, you'll probably need her to substantiate the new allegations.

Good luck and well done for not standing for it.

What a prize prick!
Adding if you think shop steward is compromised you can contact branch. But, it's really not a union concern-police, acas, discipline internally. And don't contact his wife.

He would be committing a crime to be sharing around naked photos without your permission if they were of you.' Call the police, Either they're of some other poor girl he's conned to send them and he's committing a crime against her by showing them around, or he's pulled them off the internet. Either way the police can investigate. How stupid and sheepish is he going to feel when he has to tell his mates hes a pervert, a liar and a cheat. His wife deserves to know, and he'd deserve a sacking.

I'd be tempted to print off the conversations and stick them all over the staffroom but then I'm a bit of a cunt.

Glad you're reporting him op, the scumbag deserves the sack.

Good luck with the meeting OP. Personally I wouldn't necessarily take in a witness but I would follow up any complaint with an email, assuming you have that facility at work. Or write down the salient facts of your complaint as unemotionally as you can and hand it over at the meeting so they have it writing (with the date of the meeting and keeping a copy for yourself).

And remember - anything that happens to him is a consequence of his actions, not yours. He didn't have to behave like a creepy perve, he didn't have to spread lies about you. He chose to, and now he will have to face up to the consequences of making that choice.

Yes, the police would be interested and would take action. They will confiscate his phone and possibly any other computer equipment he has. I would definitely make a complaint. It's sexual harassment and possibly falls foul of malicious communications law.

I would then speak to your manager, tell them the police are involved, and remind them they have a duty of care to you, and to other female staff who have, or who are in danger of being, harassed.

You can't get him fired. All you can do is give the evidence for the employer to fire him. It's his actions that will ruin his life not yours.

Sorry you have had to live through this- especially at a time when you should be relaxing and enjoying your new family. Congratulations.

You are not responsible for the consequences of his behaviour. He is. It's not your job to protect his wife and kids, that's his job. He decided to be an asshole, and he'll have to deal with what follows.

What he has done is sexual harassment and bullying. Your employer will take this very seriously. Please report him to your employer.

I wouldn't advise telling his wife, his personal life isn't your problem.

Good luck OP!

You have several grounds to complain here. Firstly he is aware you have made an informal complaint and following that he is bullying you - he's creating an atmosphere that makes it hard for you to be there. That alone makes it worth asking for this to go formal. He also appears to be showing people naked photos within the workplace, regardless of whether they are you or not.

This is the important one though - the team were acting inappropriately towards you whilst you were a customer. Make a fuss over that massively. What if that had been a customer who's photos they'd found online - would they want their staff sniggering at them?

Fgs do not contact his wife, you'll be walking straight in to accusations of harassment if you do.

I'd feel a bit of a drama queen going to the police especially as I don't know for sure what the pictures are of apart from they definitely are not me. Would ACAS be interested in this? I will ask my friend about being a witness, we are all on tender hooks right now fearing for our jobs because the companies making redundancies but I think she will agree because of what's happened. I know they aren't photos of me but my skins crawling that people think they are!
Glad people don't think I need to tell his wife, I'd hate to have to, poor woman

I won't elbows, I didn't want to in the first place I just wondered if morally I had to. Guiltily relieved that I don't need to

He's moved from sexually harassing you to plain old bullying you and making others complicit in a bullying campaign against you - do make a formal complaint. He's the one ruining lives, not you.

He's harassed others, it might be some of those people might come forward too.

Don't contact the wife - that would just muddy the waters. You just want this to be to do with your workplace. Def take someone in with you - your dp? Or the friend who told you the nature of the gossip? Good luck and well done for taking a stand - this utter scumbag deserves everything he has coming to him.

And I would def run it past the police too to see what they say. Surely its slander or defamation or harassment or malicious communication or something (although the clever bastard hasn't sent the photos of ""you"", just shown them around.)

OH to be a fly on the wall when he gets fired. We are all cheering you on OP!!

Talk to your line manager and tell your line manager are also going to tell HR. Making it clear you are talking to both will ensure action is taken rather than one of them trying to placate you. You have done nothing wrong. Please take action. It won't be easy but it is the right thing to do for you, your co workers and also for the company. Make it clear the original messages were offensive you tried to make life easy for everyone but it's now apparent he had escalated way beyond what you originally thought. You are in the right. Tell your DP but discuss this with no one else. Certainly not his wife.

Acas will give you good advice and help especially if you don't have confidence in your union rep x

Just read your update (slow typing ). In view of possible redundancies, I would definitely definitely involve the police. Otherwise I would worry that the company would let him go quietly as part of the redundancies and the bastard shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.