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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want him fired

354 replies

StupidSlimyGit · 09/03/2017 17:56

I've name changed for this as it could be very identifying and it's going to be a long one sorry. I'm open to being told I'm being unreasonable but want some advice.
I work for a very large retail company in one of their smallish stores as does my DP, we have maybe around 100 colleagues at most and I always thought it was a pretty friendly place to work.
I've not long had a baby, back when I was pregnant my dp had a wobble and we took a break so we could both decide what we wanted, we are back together now and have been happily so for several months. When I was about 6 months pregnant a colleague I don't know very well but who I shd worked with on occasion added me on facebook and sent me some very explicit messages. Also asked for photos of me baked, holding my boobs, in a nightie etc. I laughed the whole thing off, made fun of him for asking and blocked him from messaging me. He made it very clear in these messages he had been looking at my breasts while I was working and I found it very uncomfortable to work around him after that. I didn't report it because said colleague was recently married and had a baby of his own a few weeks old at home aswell as another child and I felt guilty that I could ruin his life. My dp when we got back together noticed how uncomfortable I was and asked about it, then, when told about the messages, went to see our stores manager without my permission who called me into her office to discuss it. I showed her the messages and discussed it but didn't put in a formal complaint as I didn't want it to end up with him fired and his wife and children in trouble financially. It was agreed that the manager would have a talk with him about appropriate behaviour, warn him that if anything like this happened again he would be in trouble, then we could all move on with our lives. That was then done. I have wondered whether I should tell his wife but not done so because I don't know if it's my place?
Since then I've found out that he has done this to other women where I work, including making one so uncomfortable she has quit her job. I have been very unsure since then on whether I made the right decision, should I have taken the offer of a formal disciplinary to make sure he knows he can't get away with it even if it meant he might have been fired?
Since then I've had my baby and noticed when I go in to do my shopping tiny town, only really one option to shop plus I get staff discount there is a real atmosphere when I'm around the team he works with and people he talks to a lot. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and am visibly shunned when I'm there which has made my preexisting anxiety worse and has made returning to work at the end of my maternity leave seem terrifying.
Today when shopping several people sniggered as I walked past, and I got up the courage to ask someone I'm friends with and can trust if she had heard anything. She admitted that everyone has heard about me and him sexting while I was pregnant and the naked photos I sent to him, apparently he has even shown some of the boys the photos!!!! I didn't send anything so they can't be me and certainly haven't engaged in sexting, I still have the conversation on my phone to prove it. Now I was single at the time, so it isn't like it could ruin my life, and my DP has seen the conversation between me and colleague on my phone so he knows nothing went on anyway, but I feel like my reputation is in shreds. I've been trying not to cry since I got home and I'm shaking knowing what they think of me and what bits of me some of the male colleagues think they have seen. I have agoraphobia and it's taken me so long to get into work and think of it as one of my safe zones, now I'm trembling at the thought of going back. I want to be sick.
DP and I can't afford for me not to work, so I cant just quit till I find something else, but I don't know what to do now. WIBU to go back to my manager, tell her what is being said and demand he has some serious repercussions? What about going to head office and requesting an internal investigation hopefully leading to him being moved/fired?
I feel guilty because it would be horrible for his wife to find out this way and I keep thinking about his kids but surely he is the one in the wrong? Should I tell his wife?
Sorry for length I'm trying not to drip feed.

OP posts:

Sara107 · 09/03/2017 18:58

Definitely go for the formal complaint. Explain to the manager what he's been telling people and how uncomfortable you're being made to feel ( to the point of not wanting to go back to work) and that is why you have changed your mind about pursuing the complaint. Do you think some of the other people he has bothered will back you up? You don't have to worry about his wife and child - their well-being is his responsibility not yours. And maybe his wife should know that he is a sex pest.

Original poster

StupidSlimyGit · 09/03/2017 19:06

The other women he has been bothering have either left the company or are unwilling to come forward I've asked I think seeing what he has done after I made a complaint has scared them more not helped them come forward

I'll phone acas in the morning before I phone my manager to see what they say. I just worry because its such a small store and he is a member of the group who all go out together regularly drinking etc where as I'm not that it will not be taken seriously. Our deputy manager and hr manager have form for hiding their 'friends' cockups hence why I want to speak directly to our store manager. Plus she is the only female manager we have and I'm hoping as a woman she'll be easier for me to talk to about this. I'm a coward

OP posts:

redexpat · 09/03/2017 19:07

I think you need to be clear in your mind what you want to come out of the meeting. Is this you making a formal complaint? Or are you seeking advice.

Please get hold of your companys greivance policy and make yourself familiar with it.

When youre in the meeting take notes.

Make sure when you leave the meeting you know what is happening next, who is responsible for making this happen, and when you can expect to hear anything. Write down all these things.

Know that you are not responsible for this, he is.

redexpat · 09/03/2017 19:09

Dont assume woman = good manager with experience and understanding of these issues.

SpreadYourHappiness · 09/03/2017 19:09

YANBU. What a dickhead. Do everything in your power to get him fired.

Please don't let his man ruin your safe space. You've done incredibly well to be able to work with agoraphobia and it would be such a shame for someone like that to ruin your progress

HappyFlappy · 09/03/2017 19:11

if he is sending fake pictures of you to men i would invlove the police as this must be some form of offence

In fact even they were pictures of you (I know they aren't) he would have no right to make them generally available to other people or make them public. It is a criminal offence.

For him to claim that pictures are of you when they aren't is worse again

redexpat · 09/03/2017 19:11

And another thing I really think you should do is to write down as much as you can remember. Times places who said what where and in front of whom. Take screenshots of messenger.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2017 19:11

Jesus, what a scum ball. The manager has to act, this is a new complaint. Tell her you're considering police action. Unless someone complains she can't act formally, so do it. She probably wants him out too.

millymaid · 09/03/2017 19:12

You're not a coward OP, you're a hero. You are doing a really great thing. Good luck!

Deathraystare · 09/03/2017 19:15

The other women he has been bothering have either left the company or are unwilling to come forward

Then please do this for YOURSELF. You have done nothing wrong. Even if loads of women leave the workforce for the same reason, if no one mentions why the company won't care.

FatOldBag · 09/03/2017 19:16

This is further sexual harassment. Tell your manager and make it a formal complaint this time. You manager will investigate so you don't have to ask/talk to anyone about it, but let her know what he said to your friend.

confuugled1 · 09/03/2017 19:19

I would also say that you want to see the naked puctures that are supposedly of you - you don't want to discover that he has photoshopped your head onto a naked picture... You want to be able to run a google image search to make sure it's not on the web in your name.
You also need the manager to make some sort of formal announcement that you have never sent any of these pictures and that the police are looking into charging him with slander - even if that's just you talking to them to find out if that's possible - just so they realise that this is serious and that he was completely in the wrong.

luckylucky24 · 09/03/2017 19:20

To be honest I would screen shot the conversation and send it to as many colleagues as I could to prove to them he is lying.

Don't worry about his wife, you will be doing her a favour!

Miserylovescompany2 · 09/03/2017 19:20

Go back to the manager. He started a smear campaign against you. Plus, he's done this to others as well.

You'd be doing the wife a favour long term.

HelenaGWells · 09/03/2017 19:20

we are all on tender hooks right now fearing for our jobs because the companies making redundancies

Even more reason to speak up as they have a perfect opportunity to get rid of someone causing nothing but trouble.

Please take his as far as you can. If sanctions start happening you may find other women will come Forward as well.

BrownEyedLady · 09/03/2017 19:21

This is a clear case of sexual harassment. Report him.

confuugled1 · 09/03/2017 19:22

Sorry if my post cross posted with about the last hour's posts - just realised it hadn't posted properly and I've been making dinner.

Iris65 · 09/03/2017 19:24

Oh wow. Do we work at the same place?! My DP and I split up for a while and I had a colleague who did almost exactly the same to me! Although he didn't ask for photos. Really explicit sexting, even when we were both at work and after I had told him not to do it at work! He then carried on sexting after I had told him that I didn't like it. We went out once he worked hard to get me on my own, stuck his tongue down my throat and tried to dry hump me. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do - I have a history of being abused - and even though I am a grown woman I just freeze in some situations.
I found out a month afterwards that he'd done similar things to several other colleagues, including one young placement student who made a formal complaint. When I found that out I messaged him and told him that he was going to be in a lot of trouble if he carried on behaving like that. Wish I'd had the courage to do report him at the time (knee him in the balls), but with a history of MH problems and abuse I didn't think anyone would take me seriously.
Sorry you went through it and yes, he should be fired.

ChasedByBees · 09/03/2017 19:28

This:

Your colleague has been slandering you and in a sexual way. If they don't deal with it they are leaving themselves open to a lawsuit for doing nothing about a hostile work environment, or for constructive dismissal if you feel you can't work there due to his lies.

Get him fired.

Tapandgo · 09/03/2017 19:28

Report him asap - a formal complaint. Involve ACAS. Take a witness in to the meeting and get them to make notes. The more you delay, the more opportunity you are giving him to make up more lies. ( and expect him to lie to the manager about you)
The issues he is bringing into his family life are his problem, not yours. A sexual predator who is harassing and bullying should get sympathy.

Littledrummergirl · 09/03/2017 19:30

I used to work for a supermarket and was a union rep, if your not comfortable with the store rep then go through your local union office and ask for the ao (area organiser). They will be able to support you through the grievance process starting with the meeting.
If you aren't in the union my advice is to choose a colleague you trust (not your dp-impartiality)to go with you and get a copy of the grievance policy.

If you are in the union pm me the name, I may be able to put you in touch with someone (If it's the same one).

Bitofacow · 09/03/2017 19:31

If you are a member of a trade union but don't like your local rep contact the regional office. On the union's website you should be able to find the name of a regional official. Or phone the regional office and ask for help.

GlitterRollerSkate · 09/03/2017 19:32

Poor you what a dickhead!

When you joined the union you should have got a little card with details of your local office. You can ask for a different union rep from another store and they must do it. Speak to your local union office they are not employed by your company so they will be able to offer you some unbiased advice.

If I was you I would ask for your HR manager to be present or the area HR manager as well as your manager and a union rep. This is sexual harassment and should be dealt with accordingly. Companies take a hard line on sexual harassment if you feel that your manager is not dealing with it professionally then go to your area manager.

Nobody should be made to feel uncomfortable at work!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2017 19:32

I also think you should inform the police. This is harassment. He's illegally sharing what may constitute pornographic images. His actions are malicious and may come under the revenge porn umbrella even if they're not of you.

nodramaforthellama · 09/03/2017 19:33

Hi initials aren't AF are they.. I used to work with a twat exactly like this!

Get him sacked. What a knob.

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