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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him fired

354 replies

StupidSlimyGit · 09/03/2017 17:56

I've name changed for this as it could be very identifying and it's going to be a long one sorry. I'm open to being told I'm being unreasonable but want some advice.
I work for a very large retail company in one of their smallish stores as does my DP, we have maybe around 100 colleagues at most and I always thought it was a pretty friendly place to work.
I've not long had a baby, back when I was pregnant my dp had a wobble and we took a break so we could both decide what we wanted, we are back together now and have been happily so for several months. When I was about 6 months pregnant a colleague I don't know very well but who I shd worked with on occasion added me on facebook and sent me some very explicit messages. Also asked for photos of me baked, holding my boobs, in a nightie etc. I laughed the whole thing off, made fun of him for asking and blocked him from messaging me. He made it very clear in these messages he had been looking at my breasts while I was working and I found it very uncomfortable to work around him after that. I didn't report it because said colleague was recently married and had a baby of his own a few weeks old at home aswell as another child and I felt guilty that I could ruin his life. My dp when we got back together noticed how uncomfortable I was and asked about it, then, when told about the messages, went to see our stores manager without my permission who called me into her office to discuss it. I showed her the messages and discussed it but didn't put in a formal complaint as I didn't want it to end up with him fired and his wife and children in trouble financially. It was agreed that the manager would have a talk with him about appropriate behaviour, warn him that if anything like this happened again he would be in trouble, then we could all move on with our lives. That was then done. I have wondered whether I should tell his wife but not done so because I don't know if it's my place?
Since then I've found out that he has done this to other women where I work, including making one so uncomfortable she has quit her job. I have been very unsure since then on whether I made the right decision, should I have taken the offer of a formal disciplinary to make sure he knows he can't get away with it even if it meant he might have been fired?
Since then I've had my baby and noticed when I go in to do my shopping tiny town, only really one option to shop plus I get staff discount there is a real atmosphere when I'm around the team he works with and people he talks to a lot. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and am visibly shunned when I'm there which has made my preexisting anxiety worse and has made returning to work at the end of my maternity leave seem terrifying.
Today when shopping several people sniggered as I walked past, and I got up the courage to ask someone I'm friends with and can trust if she had heard anything. She admitted that everyone has heard about me and him sexting while I was pregnant and the naked photos I sent to him, apparently he has even shown some of the boys the photos!!!! I didn't send anything so they can't be me and certainly haven't engaged in sexting, I still have the conversation on my phone to prove it. Now I was single at the time, so it isn't like it could ruin my life, and my DP has seen the conversation between me and colleague on my phone so he knows nothing went on anyway, but I feel like my reputation is in shreds. I've been trying not to cry since I got home and I'm shaking knowing what they think of me and what bits of me some of the male colleagues think they have seen. I have agoraphobia and it's taken me so long to get into work and think of it as one of my safe zones, now I'm trembling at the thought of going back. I want to be sick.
DP and I can't afford for me not to work, so I cant just quit till I find something else, but I don't know what to do now. WIBU to go back to my manager, tell her what is being said and demand he has some serious repercussions? What about going to head office and requesting an internal investigation hopefully leading to him being moved/fired?
I feel guilty because it would be horrible for his wife to find out this way and I keep thinking about his kids but surely he is the one in the wrong? Should I tell his wife?
Sorry for length I'm trying not to drip feed.

OP posts:
duxb · 10/03/2017 08:09

The formal complaint can be about the false rumours he is spreading and the insinuation that you sent him photographs.

He has absolutely run out the kindness you showed him with his behaviour.

MsJolly · 10/03/2017 08:14

Good luck today.

Pinbasket · 10/03/2017 08:54

YANBU!
Screen shot the phone messages from another phone just in case you lose your phone etc- it's your main evidence!
What a vindictive twat he is- do make sure the rest of the world know it too!

PhoenixMama · 10/03/2017 10:12

I was the victim of something similar - I went to HR & they were really helpful. He was suspended, they investigated and in the end he resigned without reference before they could fire him because he knew what was coming.

I know It's hard, but I can now hold my head up high in the office and I don't almost vomit every time the lift doors open or I walk into the building. That in itself is worth it. No one should have to put up with this shit at work.

In the end the reason I reported him was because I felt that if the women he had done this to before me had reported him then it wouldn't have happened to me. I knew I had support & would get through it but I could see how some people might not be able to (my case escalated physically) I couldn't live with the thought of him hurting anyone else.

You're already brave & amazing. You'll feel so much better when it's dealt with. Flowers

Bestthingever · 10/03/2017 10:13

You should have made a formal complaint in the first place. I think the person you went to with this is in the wrong. She has a duty of care towards all employees and she needed to consider whether he could do the same to other women. It wasn't just about you. Apparently he has. This needs to be dealt with thoroughly now. I hope he does get fired and it will be his fault, not yours.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 10/03/2017 11:33

So I phoned the police, who have said it isn't a police matter they can't deal with it.
Phoned my manager who has said it is "hearsay" and that all she can do is speak to people informally. She also let on she knows about the rumours he's been spreading.
Phoned ACAS who have advised that I can request to be moved stores or have my shifts changed so we never work together. Nearest store is over 20 miles away and I don't drive because I'm disabled so I can't move. Also if I change my shifts I have no childcare for my DD, so I'm effectively going to be punished if I make a complaint again aren't I.
I'm just going to have to live with it till I can find a new job and I'm going to have to start getting my shopping delivered. Thankyou everyone for trying though!

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 10/03/2017 11:39

Jesus christ, that's a set of awful responses to you, OP.

I think the police are wrong on this, btw, and are fobbing you off. Any lawyers on here?

Arkengarthdale · 10/03/2017 11:43

Wait - your manager has heard the rumours? Then she has a responsibility to manage the situation I say. Would you be up to a call to HR at head office? I'd go above your manager's head if she is aware of a problem and finding excuses not to deal with it. Flowersfor you

AnnaleeP · 10/03/2017 11:45

It is harassment and it's unlawful under the equality act.

Do you have a head office HR department? I would phone them. Your manager is obviously useless and doesn't have the experience needed to deal with it.

Tapandgo · 10/03/2017 11:46

These are shocking responses - if you have evidence (on line print outs) and witnesses how can it be hearsay? Sounds like the victim is getting punished and the perpetrator getting off with it - same old, same old.....
Look up some woman's rights groups who offer free legal advice.

AnnaleeP · 10/03/2017 11:46

Ha - great minds Ark.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 10/03/2017 11:50

The police are right I'm afraid.

However, your manager is another issue. Tell her you are making a formal complaint and if she refuses to accept the complaint, I'd go above her head.

FallenSky · 10/03/2017 11:57

Your manager is talking bollocks. Forget about the gossip going around (as in remove from the equation) you still have evidence of sexual harassment! There's no way around that. Just because you agreed to her dealing with it quietly before does not mean that you no longer have the right to put in a formal complaint. Do you have any formal written evidence of the original meeting you had with her?

I suggest you put in a formal complaint now. She will have to deal with it. If not, you go over her head. Do not let this bastard get away with it. You have done nothing wrong. Eurgh. Makes me so angry!

Hope you're OK Flowers

BalloonSlayer · 10/03/2017 12:07

If your manager knows about the rumours that he has been spreading and has done nothing, then sounds like you need to put in a complaint about her as well.

WannaBe · 10/03/2017 12:07

The police are right unfortunately. Spreading rumours isn't a crime and given you told him to stop and then blocked him he is not guilty of harassment even though he is blatantly a creep.

Similarly with rumours around the office, unless you are going to be able to find someone who would be prepared to back you up in a complaint it is very much going to be a case of your word against his. As he was given a warning the first time all he has to do is say that he backed off after that, and unless someone can come forward and verify that the rumours are true you are unlikely to get anywhere.

WRT pictures, the law is against the distribution of pictures. So assuming he hasn't actually sent whoever's pictures anywhere he hasn't broken any laws.

It's shit.

AristotlesTrousers · 10/03/2017 12:08

I'm really angry on your behalf re: your manager, OP. The "hearsay" she wants to brush under the carpet is harassment and slander. There are laws about it. Surely she has to investigate this formally?

Disheartening to hear that ACAS weren't more helpful too.

HashiAsLarry · 10/03/2017 12:14

If your manager has heard the rumours then you have ground for complaint against them not dealing with it effectively. Given the situation before they should not have left it until you were being sniggered at whilst there as a customer. They have massively failed you. Perhaps yes the photo element is rumours, but you were still treated inappropriately by other staff members which has created an atmosphere where you are worried to return to work. Your manager should be getting to the bottom of why that incident happened. I would definitely put a formal complaint in writing over this and if your manager refuses to act then escalate it. Take the focus off the photos and put it onto continued harassment.

AlpacaPicnic · 10/03/2017 12:29

I'm furious on your behalf op. This shouldn't be happening in this day and age.
Please do consider escalating it further, if you feel able.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/03/2017 12:31

It sounds awful and I am very sorry you felt obliged to laugh it off in the first place. He was out of line but we are conditioned to placate and be a good sport, to keep the peace.
Banter is not banter when it descends to bullying.
I would certainly go over this manager's head OP and even if you feel your days there are numbered get this toerag in hot water.

SpackenDeDoich · 10/03/2017 12:33

Report him to your boss and the police. What a nasty horrible cunt of a man.
Flowers for you

shyturnip · 10/03/2017 12:53

Definitely go above your managers head. This is appallingly bad management.

GatoradeMeBitch · 10/03/2017 12:58

Wait a minute - you could have made a formal complaint the first time, but you're not being offered that now?

PatMullins · 10/03/2017 13:35

Good point Gatorade- even now it's escalated?

CoraPirbright · 10/03/2017 13:41

Thats appalling! Def go above your manager's head and to head office HR. What about your union? I know you said that your rep is mates with this creep but others have said you can get another representative locallly.

if all that fails, print off his messages and paste them up around your work place and also send copies to his wife

millymaid · 10/03/2017 13:42

Your manager is wrong. This is clearly harassment. Please have a look at this www.gov.uk/workplace-bullying-and-harassment, you'll see that spreading malicious rumours is a DEFINITION of harassment. The fact that your manager knows about the rumours is evidence that you are being harassed.

Harassment is unlawful. Your employer has a legal responsibility to take reasonable steps to stop harassment. Just "speaking to people" is completely inadequate.

This person poses a HUGE legal and financial and reputation risk to your employer, because the next person he does this to might go to tribunal or take a lawsuit. Everything you do to bring this to their attention so they can deal with it is actually helping them.

While it's fresh in your mind can you make a note of the time, date and content of your call with your manager, or even better get your manager to confirm in an email that you spoke and discussed x and that you said x and she said y.

Can you also make a list of the dates and nature of all the other bullshit your colleague said and did? It would also be worth putting together some information on how this person's behaviour has caused you distress and the impact it has had on your mental health. Did your employer know about your agoraphobia at all before this happened?

Get as much info written down as possible and take it to HR. Can you also get a copy of your company's bullying and harassment policy? They will have some formal guidelines about how to make a complaint. Good luck!