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Rude or just social unaware

(198 Posts)
user1484493755 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:10:48

I have a male friend. He's very loyal. He's very generous with his time. He's helped me with university work greatly and has stayed in close contact now for 6 years.

Generally we get on great. I've often wondered if he has very mild Asperger as he doesn't seem to always pick up on body language or seem to see certain situations are not socially acceptable.

He would visit our mutual friend who has a toddler at 7pm and doesn't seem to notice she's trying to put him to bed and now is not a good time until she told him and he stopped popping round.

I meet up with this friend every fortnight in town and we go for a meal. He's recently visiting his mum who is in hospital and he goes past my house on his way back so asks to pop round 'for lunch'. He arrives at 1pm every fortnight at lunch time and eats plenty of food.

I know I'm an absolute idiot for putting up with it but I do that because we've been friends for 6 years and he's been a very loyal friend. He never asks for any favours (except coming at lunch time).

I have now however, decided not to do it anymore. He warns 35k a year and him and is partner have a joint income of 70k a year. I have 13k a year and a child to provide for.

I would tell him to come late afternoon but it wouldn't make any difference he'd just not have lunch and expect it later.

I often wonder if he's just rude and stingy with money, or actually has some kind of autism.

I know you don't know him but do you think it's a little mean to choose not to see him at lunch time if I have to provide lunch for him?

My other friends bring me lunch when they come at lunch time. He never even brings some drinks!

When he goes to a house party he doesn't bring anything either.

And yet gives a card and present (not expensive one but it the thought) on my birthday and Christmas and would help you out in any kind of emergency.

He has been a reference for me many times as he was my boss at one point.

I have seen him with his mum who is a single parent and she doesn't seem to have ever taught him manners or how to be considerate. Something he seems to not have learnt in adult life either.

His partner is amazing. They've been together a year now and he's helped him so much and has taught him he needs to bring a present to a house party.

It's weird he's 30 and wouldn't know this already!

So I'm rambling now. AIBU to not see him if it means I've got to give him lunch? And does it seem like he's on the autistic specified or just rude?

user1484493755 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:11:09

Sorry for the typos. I'm in my phone.

user1484493755 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:14:29

I just feel frustrated that whenever he comes to mine it's 'for lunch'.

I wish he'd just buy a sandwich for once. He stops at the Garage anyway to get petrol. Then bring it to mine instead of expecting me to prepare him lunch.

I've never actively invited him for lunch or dinner.

FrancisCrawford Thu 19-Jan-17 22:16:37

Why don't you talk to him?

John, you know I love meeting you. But you know I have to budget carefully and quite honestly I'm struggling with the fact you always expect a meal when you visit. So, let's take it turn about to provide the food. It's your turn next.

Just be honest with him.

CommonFramework Thu 19-Jan-17 22:17:53

Well, if you've noticed he has issues with picking up on social cues, then say to him next time: 'it's your turn to do lunch. I've made you lunch dozens of times. You can either take round food/sandwiches or take me out. Which would you prefer?'

user1484493755 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:18:29

Now in work I'm the most assertive person ever.

But I just can't tell him that. I can't.

Also, is not want to risk him being hurt forever. He'd be devastated. I'd rather just not see him.

FrancisCrawford Thu 19-Jan-17 22:18:49

Sorry, didn't see the post where you don't actually invite him. In that case, just stop feeding him.

Sorry John, but you know I have to budget. I'm afraid I can't offer you anything more than a cuppa and a biscuit.

And stick to it! One cuppa, one plain biscuit.

FrancisCrawford Thu 19-Jan-17 22:22:02

Well, if you won't tell him you can either keep feeding him or end the friendship.

Why do you think he would be devastated? Is it because you think he doesn't realise he always takes but never gives? TBH you'd be doing a favour to mention it to him.

user1484493755 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:23:10

We meet up regularly outside of my house so I don't need to end the friendship. I only
Meant not see him at my house. Where I'm expected to feed him.

Maudlinmaud Thu 19-Jan-17 22:25:28

Why don't you make other plans, so he can't visit you at home and just continue to meet up in public.

user1484493755 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:26:55

That's the plan. I will say I'm out. He won't know.

SaucyJack Thu 19-Jan-17 22:28:07

Next time he sends a text that he's coming round for lunch, just reply with something inoffensive about not having any shopping in so he'll need to grab lunch on the way.

You don't need to devastate him. Mountains and molehills, matey.

Nottalotta Thu 19-Jan-17 22:29:07

Just tell him it's his turn to bring lunch. I don't understand how that's harder than telling him.not to visit?

MissMalteser Thu 19-Jan-17 22:29:29

Sorry can I check this is one homemade lunch once a fortnight? Can you not serve up something cheap and easy and tell him (subtly and politely) that unless he wants to bring something along for you both he'll have to like it or lump it?
Although tbh if this is as good a friend as you say he is I would suck it up for once a fortnight...

Nocabbageinmyeye Thu 19-Jan-17 22:31:50

If you don't want to say it outright maybe next time he rings to say he will be around for lunch day "Great but I met my friend Mary for breakfast so I'm too stuffed for lunch so grab a sandwich on the way as i have nothing in, I'll have the kettle on" ??? I know it's not great but a break from having lunch made might make him realise

Nocabbageinmyeye Thu 19-Jan-17 22:34:39

Sorry i just realised it's once a fortnight, he is a good friend just coming back from visiting his mother is hospital, I'd say nothing actually, a sandwich is cheap enough. Is it really that big a deal? I know you are on a budget but this can't be about two sandwiches a month

Aeroflotgirl Thu 19-Jan-17 22:34:50

Next time say, John can yiu come after yiu have eaten as I can't afford to feed you every day. Or can you bring xy for lunch, it's your turn.

therootoftheroot Thu 19-Jan-17 22:38:20

this guy is a good and loyal friend.
you must be able to stretch to lunch to once a fortnight???

come on- it sounds like you are being cheeseparing for the sake of it

you're not telling me you can't afford a cheese sandwich once a fortnight?

Bluntness100 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:38:25

Honestly, how much does it cost to make him a sandwich or a mac cheese twice a month? A couple of dollars max? And you don't wish to provide this?

EasterRobin Thu 19-Jan-17 22:40:13

You could maybe ask him to bring some cheese (or ham, or whatever your preferred sandwich filling is). You provide a few slices of bread, so you're both contributing but you're not out of pocket.

FinnegansCake Thu 19-Jan-17 22:41:52

Could you just give him a bowl of soup and a bread roll? Tell him that your budget's a bit tight and you can't run to anything more lavish? It sounds as though he is lacking social awareness and has never thought about the big difference in your financial situations.

To be honest, I wouldn't risk spoiling a 6 year friendship with someone who you say is loyal and generous with his time, just for the sake of a snack once a fortnight. (Have I understood correctly that it's once a fortnight?)

You can never have too many loyal friends.

Scarydinosaurs Thu 19-Jan-17 22:42:33

Could you not suggest him bringing lunch in a nice way? It doesn't have to be a big deal?

Next time he texts just ask him if he could bring lunch with him for the two of you? As you know him so well make a reference to a food he particularly likes/is good at making?

ImYourMama Thu 19-Jan-17 22:46:06

2 lunches a month for one person? I think you need to get a grip. Is a friendship not worth that at least!?

hungryhippo90 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:46:34

Ok Fella, Bring a pizza, it's on your way! smile

Bunnyfuller Thu 19-Jan-17 22:47:34

'Oh bugger, loyal friend! I forgot you were coming today, I've got nothing in, grab us lunch on your way!'

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