Rude or just social unaware

[user1484493755]

I have a male friend. He's very loyal. He's very generous with his time. He's helped me with university work greatly and has stayed in close contact now for 6 years.

Generally we get on great. I've often wondered if he has very mild Asperger as he doesn't seem to always pick up on body language or seem to see certain situations are not socially acceptable.

He would visit our mutual friend who has a toddler at 7pm and doesn't seem to notice she's trying to put him to bed and now is not a good time until she told him and he stopped popping round.

I meet up with this friend every fortnight in town and we go for a meal. He's recently visiting his mum who is in hospital and he goes past my house on his way back so asks to pop round 'for lunch'. He arrives at 1pm every fortnight at lunch time and eats plenty of food.

I know I'm an absolute idiot for putting up with it but I do that because we've been friends for 6 years and he's been a very loyal friend. He never asks for any favours (except coming at lunch time).

I have now however, decided not to do it anymore. He warns 35k a year and him and is partner have a joint income of 70k a year. I have 13k a year and a child to provide for.

I would tell him to come late afternoon but it wouldn't make any difference he'd just not have lunch and expect it later.

I often wonder if he's just rude and stingy with money, or actually has some kind of autism.

I know you don't know him but do you think it's a little mean to choose not to see him at lunch time if I have to provide lunch for him?

My other friends bring me lunch when they come at lunch time. He never even brings some drinks!

When he goes to a house party he doesn't bring anything either.

And yet gives a card and present (not expensive one but it the thought) on my birthday and Christmas and would help you out in any kind of emergency.

He has been a reference for me many times as he was my boss at one point.

I have seen him with his mum who is a single parent and she doesn't seem to have ever taught him manners or how to be considerate. Something he seems to not have learnt in adult life either.

His partner is amazing. They've been together a year now and he's helped him so much and has taught him he needs to bring a present to a house party.

It's weird he's 30 and wouldn't know this already!

So I'm rambling now. AIBU to not see him if it means I've got to give him lunch? And does it seem like he's on the autistic specified or just rude?

And to answer your question - he's socially unaware. You are just rude with a hidden selfish mean streak.

I've just read the thread in case I missed anything but you say he eats sandwiches and fruit cake.

I thought you were complaining about making a three course meal

Sandwiches and bit of fruit cake once every fortnight is hardly too much to offer a loyal friend ? If it's only sandwiches and some cake I'm not sure I'd automatically think to bring a contribution as it's only sandwiches but I'd probably turn up with some flowers.

A few sandwiches don't compare with a takeaway ,so of course you'd split the cost.

The thing is, he's coming around, sustaining the friendship, presumably paying petrol money as well, so he's not contributing nothing in this lunch scenario. I would consider it a favour if a friend came to my house as it's a lot less hassle than me going out somewhere, and enjoy supporting them for twice a month.

If the money is such a huge issue, as others have said, just say 'I'm a bit short this week of food, could you bring something?'

But your post is mean-spirited and doesn't seem to acknowledge he's making the effort to call even if it is near the hospital- he could just drive past and not bother with you. I think he think's of it as a lovely treat after a hospital visit. If you don't want to offer a lovely treat for him and resent the washing up (!) then best move on from the friendship.

You've had some really decent advice on here OP that I hope you listen to.

I've a feeling though you'll be thinking that it's easier to just pretend you're not home for the foreseeable future and cutting this friend out, as it's easier than dealing with the resentment that's built up.
I hope not, I think you might come to regret pushing away a loyal friend, they can be very hard to acquire!

'It's not just a sandwich. He eats fruit, cake, about 5 sandwiches. Juice. It's the principle really. I didn't invite him.'

Grow a pair! 'I'm on a budget. It's one sandwich.'

You sound very selfish and mean tbh.
You say he is a loyal friend and has done loads for you in the past but are pissed off that you have to make him lunch twice a week

If he is such a great friend feed him a sandwich and packet of crisps and that's it. If he asks for anymore food just say you don't have much else as on a budget/things are tight/you haven't been shopping.

It sounds like as long as he is useful to you then it's all fine and dandy but as soon as he isn't giving you anything then you want to drop him.

He might think it's nice to make the effort to see his longtime friend twice a month and that you both enjoy spending lunch together.

*twice a month

I don't think saying that you can't afford the food is going to risk your friendship. Why can't you say, "I can only afford enough food for me and this month. I'm sorry I won't be able to offer you lunch but finances are so tight."

Sorry I can't remember where I asked for advice.

Only if I was unreasonable or not.

I'm an educated woman. More than capacble of knowing HOW to speak to my friend and make a cheap meal.

But I don't feel able to be honest with him for various reasons (none of which any of you know). I mentioned I didn't feel able to in my original post so advice on how to tell him honestly isn't going to help me.

I have never said I don't wish to stay friends.

I will contribute the friendship and would never want to lose it.

I just feel he's being cheeky (I know him better than anyone on here). Sometimes I do wonder if he has aspergers but that doesn't mean I have to feed him without me inviting him first.

The only thing I wanted to know is was it unreasonable for me not to feed him for free. And did it seem like he genuinely just doesn't realise.

On second thoughts I'm sure he does realise and is just super stingy with money. So I have decided that I do not have to spend time feeding and preparing food for someone who has it cited themselves over for lunch.

I don't care what anyone says. Inviting yourself to someone's house for food is incredibly rude.

So while initially I did want opinions. I now feel completely at peace with my decision to stop providing him with free food.

I have a hard enough time as it is. It's not something I should feel I have to do.

I one should feel they have to regularly feed someone they didn't invite over.

It's okay if the person says they're coming round but he specifically says 'for lunch'.

He knows what he's doing. We have a great friendship in some ways. We both help each other out and are there for each other. But in this specific example I'm being taken for a mug. And it's not continuing. He knows I don't feel able to say no and is trying his luck.

So you can't casually ask him to pickup lunch on his way to yours "for various reasons (none of which any of you know)" errrrr ok....

I really don't see a problem here.
I had a friend like this, he would always turn up empty handed when coming for dinner. We just started asking him to bring wine and/or desert. And we also ask him to host sometimes, which he happily does, he just needs us to ask. He is a really good friend, just a bit socially awkward.

But if you'd rather let it strain your friendship, your choice I guess.

Sorry yabu, it's the preparation and time washing up of making some sandwiches twice a month?

Has it not occurred to you that the reason he goes halves on a takeaway is because his partner has told him that's the right thing to do? But as she presumably doesn't realise that his friend begrudges him a sarnie that he's not contributing to his lunch either by paying you or by providing the food, she hasn't told him that he should and so he thinks he's doing the right thing.
And why do so many people post AIBUs when they've not bothered to first do the reasonable thing of communicating with the person they have an issue with?!!!!!
You could mention it to him really casually (as suggested by numerous posters above) but you say you can't for reasons you won't divulge. So he has no idea you have a problem with it! As far as he's concerned you're happy to see him and provide him with a sandwich. If he has Asperger's then he won't take offence by you asking him to pick something up on the way. If he doesn't but is a bit socially unaware then he won't take offence by you asking him to pick something up on the way. If he's tight and knows what he's doing then he might take offence (though I can't see why he would) and worse case scenario you've eliminated your problem of having someone eat a couple of slices of bread that you'll soon be able to afford as well as him anyway.
I just don't get it.
But if all you want is a simple answer to AIBU then yes you are.

But I just can't tell him that. I can't.

Also, I'd not want to risk him being hurt forever. He'd be devastated. I'd rather just not see him.

But that's silly, OP. Don't you think he'll be hurt/upset/bewildered when you ghost him?? And surely he won't be 'devastated' when you ask him to do his share of lunches?

OP the way you are responding to this man who is meant to be a friend, is shameful!

And what are these mysterious reasons you can't be honest? That's just a cop out isnt it? He deserves better than this.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feed a friend when they come over. It is regularly but it's only lunch. Serve up whatever you're having. Soup/leftovers/ sandwich. You say he eats loads. Offer less. Just have basic stuff in and if he needs more he can grab something later. I really wouldn't make a ' thing' out of this
I don't think it's anything to do with any aspergers he may or may not have. You are the one providing the food. If you genuinely can't then just don't offer anything next time he comes but not feeding a friend of. The basis they earn more than you is a bit odd op.

I think we're all a bit confused as to what you wanted from this thread too op as your posts are long and quite contradictory.

To sum up for you: yes, he might be a bit thoughtless and/or rude but you either tell him or put up with it.

Think that just about covers it.

It's once a fortnight on his way to/from visiting his mum in hospital i really think you're being quite odd about it. How much time/money does a sarnie once a fortnight cost you?

I'm not serving him anything.

I serve friends who happen to pop round. Not friends who message informing me they are eating my food.

I'm not a complete idiot. And I'm not being taken for one either.

In some ways he's a great guy. But he's majorly taking liberties and he knows it.

I've made up my mind so we're only going to go round in circles.

I shouldn't have even posted. I did so in the heat of the moment as I was angry.

I'm fine now and have made my decision.

OP: AIBU?

Many posters: Yes YABU, because ..... or even YANBU, but you should...

OP: I'm not BU!! I'm not! I didn't ask for your opinion!

Welcome to MN. Perhaps you should acquaint yourself with AIBU before posting here, if you're expecting everyone to fawn in agreement over your post and not offer any opinion that conflicts with yours.

What an unbelievable waste of time.

Just start making terrible, inedible food

Gingerivy yoy don't know him. None of you do so can't possibly say I'm being unreasonable and I see that now.

FWIW all our mutual friends have told me to stop making him lunch. They know him so I'm going to take their opinion over people who don't know me or him aren't it.

I shouldn't have posted. No one who doesn't know him can give a proper opinion. To them all they see is a socially awkward man. But I know him better and know he's taking advantage.