Rude or just social unaware

[user1484493755]

I have a male friend. He's very loyal. He's very generous with his time. He's helped me with university work greatly and has stayed in close contact now for 6 years.

Generally we get on great. I've often wondered if he has very mild Asperger as he doesn't seem to always pick up on body language or seem to see certain situations are not socially acceptable.

He would visit our mutual friend who has a toddler at 7pm and doesn't seem to notice she's trying to put him to bed and now is not a good time until she told him and he stopped popping round.

I meet up with this friend every fortnight in town and we go for a meal. He's recently visiting his mum who is in hospital and he goes past my house on his way back so asks to pop round 'for lunch'. He arrives at 1pm every fortnight at lunch time and eats plenty of food.

I know I'm an absolute idiot for putting up with it but I do that because we've been friends for 6 years and he's been a very loyal friend. He never asks for any favours (except coming at lunch time).

I have now however, decided not to do it anymore. He warns 35k a year and him and is partner have a joint income of 70k a year. I have 13k a year and a child to provide for.

I would tell him to come late afternoon but it wouldn't make any difference he'd just not have lunch and expect it later.

I often wonder if he's just rude and stingy with money, or actually has some kind of autism.

I know you don't know him but do you think it's a little mean to choose not to see him at lunch time if I have to provide lunch for him?

My other friends bring me lunch when they come at lunch time. He never even brings some drinks!

When he goes to a house party he doesn't bring anything either.

And yet gives a card and present (not expensive one but it the thought) on my birthday and Christmas and would help you out in any kind of emergency.

He has been a reference for me many times as he was my boss at one point.

I have seen him with his mum who is a single parent and she doesn't seem to have ever taught him manners or how to be considerate. Something he seems to not have learnt in adult life either.

His partner is amazing. They've been together a year now and he's helped him so much and has taught him he needs to bring a present to a house party.

It's weird he's 30 and wouldn't know this already!

So I'm rambling now. AIBU to not see him if it means I've got to give him lunch? And does it seem like he's on the autistic specified or just rude?

I don't feel that this thread is presenting the best of you, OP.

And I also feel you've answered your own AIBU:
It's not the money even. It's the time, washing up after, preparation. I don't see why I should.

you answer this yourself in the opening lines of your OP - I have a male friend. He's very loyal. He's very generous with his time. He's helped me with university work greatly and has stayed in close contact now for 6 years.
Generally we get on great. plus you say he's given you references. You also describe him later as being generous with his time.

You also say he's coming to you after visiting someone in hospital. It doesn't seem to occur to you that he may feel he needs this as some kind of emotional support that extends way beyond lunch???? Or a way of perhaps 'normalising' himself back into the real world beyond the hospital.

Most of the PPs on this thread have offered your practical advice and suggestions of what you might say, but you seem to be blanking them all in your subsequent posts, to just repeating your message of how little you want to give him lunch.

If you want to feed him this little, take on some of their suggestions and put a stop to it.

But I don't feel you're presenting yourself especially well in this thread so far. :(

He knows I'd never be able to tell him to bring food along and is exploiting that I feel.

If he's as socially insensitive as you say then it's very unlikely that he "knows" that at all. How would he know what you feel able to say or not? Or if he really cares more about getting a free meal than your feelings then he's not much of a friend. So what have you got to lose by telling him to bring food along? You'll know from his reaction if he's just been thoughtless or is deliberately taking advantage. It seems petty to seethe in silence and not even give it a try.

I suspect you are tired and frustrated and this is adding to that, however twice a month lunch with someone you like seems not too unreasonable to provide. From what you tell of him, it seems like he'd be absolutely unphased if you asked him to bring lunch every other time - and might even make it every time. Best of luck getting this resolved.

But I suspect he is being greedy, with your food and prep time, and knows it. That doesn't mean he understands the financial implications. He may see you as a good hostess and really appreciate that and think well of you, while also choosing to make the most of it quite selfishly.

I would ask him to bring something specific. I really don't understand why you won't. It's a perfectly normal, polite request. He won't mind.

he expects food and asks for food. He's quite particular about what he will eat too. He's wouldn't be happy with a bowl of stew!

If he was hungry he will enjoy stew. Actually, stew is quite fancy, so tinned soup and bread.

OP you need to manage his expectations, could you manage a simple beans/soup meal? 'This is my lunch would you like some?'

I'm sympathetic because I have a friend just like this, e.g. he'll bring round cheap tins of lager that nobody wants but helps himself to my wine ffs.

OP you said he is a friend. If that is really the case, you can't have too many of them.
Tolerate his idiosyncrasies and hold on to him.

Some people don't understand. We had a guy who was a member of our social group, and on this occasion there was only 3 folk present. 2 of us bought a drink for the table (aka a round) and his turn he said he didn't "buy rounds"

Wasn't unknown as others had complained about him previously. We just explained to him the "rules". Either declare up front and buy your own, split into couples/groups, or buy into the folk who buy you a drink.

The rest of the group couldn't beleiv we fixed him

How well do you know his GF?
Since she has "trained" him to take something to parties, perhaps you could have a little chat with her, and say that while you love having him over, you actually struggle to fund this twice-monthly feed and would appreciate him maybe bringing something in with him once in a while.

If you can't do it that way, and can't bring it up with him directly, then you're going to have to either suck it up or go the passive aggressive route and offer him something very basic that he doesn't particularly want - and then say that's all there is, sorry, and if he wants something else he'll have to bring it himself as you really can't afford either the time or the expense of doing lavish lunch for him.

It's no good saying that "he's a good friend, you can do this" because you HAVE been doing it, and it's really starting to grate on you - the more you let it go on, the more you're going to end up resenting him, until you actually dislike him, which would be bad. So sort it out, one way or another, so that you CAN hang onto this friend.

Well he probably just doesn't realise that a fortnightly sandwich and cuppa is such a big deal?
Why don't you just give him a bowl of tinned soup and tell him you can't afford anything else.
He's done a lot for you, is a fortnightly soup so much to ask? I think tbh you're being a bit mean spirited and not a good friend.

I have a friend who has a habit of turning up unannounced and expecting to be fed. Not always easy when you are already feeding two teenagers and haven't won the lottery. Over the years I've learned that she does this on certain days at certain times for a while, and then different days as her routine changes or she needs to be out of the house. I hate the feeling that I'm being made a convenience of, which is what I think is irking you OP.

If that is the case then I'd message him and let him know that you won't be available on the specified day so he can get lunch elsewhere. Or you could actually go out - a bit annoying so make sure you pick somewhere you really want to be, or schedule in your regular shopping trip so you are not hanging around feeling resentful. I got so peed off once that I stuck a note on my front door that said Cafe Closed. Made me look like a mad woman.

If you can't stop the visit I'd cook baked beans on toast, or poached eggs, or fish finger sandwiches. Two rounds of bread per person. A mug of tea or coffee to go with. And muster up a smile while saying ' this is what we're having today,. I'm having a skinny week as money's a bit short after Christmas/leccy bill/other unpleasant reality' If he doesn't look too happy you can ask him to bring two steaks from the butchers with him next time and you can provide oven chips and frozen peas to go with. Looks like a win-win to me !

It's not worth falling out over. If it's in your house then it should be on your terms though so you have every right not to offer if that's how you feel. Tell him politely that you're not a cafe, your a friend. He's getting the two confused.

Why don't you try a conversation along the lines of "right, I've decided that my new years resolution is to make some savings this year so I've drawn up a budget plan and I'm going to try and make some cutbacks".(then list some items you intend to cut back on and make savings) "so unfortunately we won't be able to keep doing lunches here cos it will eat into my budget but you are still welcome.to pop over for a cup of tea whenever you like"

What has been the value of his time to you? is it really less than lunch?

"He's always been mean with money. Has plenty of it but won't tip at restaurants, Won't bring alcohol to house parties etc.

I think he's been a very spoilt child and has never had to think of others once in his life.

That answers your initial question then. He's no manners - but then he was never taught them, by what you're suggesting, and unless people take the time to tell him that he's offending them, then he's not going to instinctively know! Or if he DOES realise, then he doesn't care.

He doesn't want to change things because he's getting a free meal out of you twice a month - so you need to change things by reducing the quality of that meal.

Its not difficult.

Talk to him.
Tell him that it must surely be his turn to provide lunch as you do it so often.
Tell him you can't afford to provide him with a meal.
Tell him this is what is for lunch (basic sandwich, cuppa, biscuit) and its all you have in.
Tell him he's outlived his usefulness to you and you no longer want to bother with him.
Tell him whatever you want but at least be honest.

Lying about not being home is juvenile and mean.

Ooh muchado I'd visit weekly for fishfinger sandwiches. Can I have ketchup please??

Tbh I could imagine my dad doing similar as he doesn't cook ever much and doesn't have any real idea about the effort/cost involved. If he stopped and thought about it, he could work it out but he just doesn't! He is very generous in other ways though and would cheerfully help people with their gardens or cars.

Be honest. If he does have AS, he won't be offended. As others have suggested, remind him that money is tight for you and you can only run to some soup and a roll (or whatever) and, whilst you'd love to see him, if he wants more than that can he pick it up on the way.

The ask him to give you a hand with the washing up afterwards "can you dry these pots up while I put the kettle on?" sort of thing.

I suppose I could just tell him.

There's some out of the box thinking right there.

You're a parent now, you will have to teach your child how to find and use their voice but before you can do that, you need to find your own. However, your posts are littered with excuses as to why you won't, not can't, but won't. Everyone has a role to play in a relationship dynamic but unfortunately you've decided that you're the victim in this one, your unwillingness to assert yourself is part of the problem.

So avoid your friend, blame his parents and make excuses about not wanting to 'devastate' him, to excuse your reluctance to be part of the solution.

Lots of great advice here. As others said, you have a lovely friend who really appreciates your company to share a nourishing lunch, to normalise things after seeing someone he loves unwell in hospital.

As others said, he needs your direction to know what keeps the home fires burning in your world.

So please do him a favour and kindly request, could he please either bring around a bought lunch or a loaf of bread and some milk, etc, as you are running very low on food supplies and are a bit skint this month.

I'd send him a text the morning of next time he's due to call in telling him you're short of time, can he pick something up for lunch on his way. Don't prepare anything so if he turns up without having picked anything up there is no lunch.

I'm really confused by this post as your position seems to have changed. In the OP it seemed that you really valued his friendship but couldn't afford to keep providing lunch. In later posts you sound really resentful of him coming round at all - mentioning that you dislike clearing up after him (surely when any friend calls round you expect to clear up a mug/glass/plate afterwards???) which makes it sound like you really don't value his friendship very much at all.

From what you say I think he's socially unaware and has no dea he is inconveniencing you. I have a friend like that and we've found the best way to deal with him is just to be very direct (eg "John your share of the tip is X amount") He never stakes offence - he doesn't see it as criticism just somebody pointing out something that would never occur to him.

I don't think your friend would take offence either - he didn't when your other friend spoke to him about the timing of dropping in (my friend used to do that too!) or when his partner spoke to him about bringing a gift. So if you want to keep his friendship just text him and say "please could you bring lunch for both of us with you next Thursday. I'm a bit broke right now so it would be best for me if we could alternate who provides lunch".

On the other hand if you really do resent washing up a plate and a glass for him then I really don't think you value his friendship at all and that's a whole different issue to consider.

I gave up reading after all you were doing was repeating yourself.. I think you need to figure out what the issue is and then get back to the thread, may posters have commented with advice yet you seem to ignore it and carry on repeated what you have already said over and over, if you don't want advice and just want to rant make that clear.

It's so easily fixed, you're getting yourself wound up for no reason. Decide on your boundaries and then talk to him.

He sounds like too nice a friend to be agonising this much over. As pp have said, why not split a soup with him and be honest about your financial situation 'I'm a bit skint so we are economising' - I say this all the time to friends and it usually ends up with a bring and share lunch/dinner.

If he's the good friend you say he is then stop complaining and enjoy his company!
If you 'don't see why you should ' then you're not worth his friendship anyway.

Why don't you have a quiet word with his partner if it's really that terrible?

I am not sure what the actual issue is? First you couldn't afford it, now you can. Then you didn't want the bother of clearing up after him, now it is the principal of the thing.

Lots of PP have given good suggestions about how to resolve the lunch situation but it seems that is not the actual issue as you are not taking them on board. It seems to me that you want him to fundamentally change how he is. I.e. Start tipping, bringing lunch to yours, bringing wine to parties etc without any intervention from anyone. You want him to miraculously change. It won't happen. You either have to have to talk to him and hope things change or suck it up if you want to keep him as a friend.

To be it sounds like he was brought up to be tight with money but maybe he was also brought up with a transactional view of friendships? He sees a free lunch at yours as 'payment' for all his support.