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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rude or just social unaware

197 replies

user1484493755 · 19/01/2017 22:10

I have a male friend. He's very loyal. He's very generous with his time. He's helped me with university work greatly and has stayed in close contact now for 6 years.

Generally we get on great. I've often wondered if he has very mild Asperger as he doesn't seem to always pick up on body language or seem to see certain situations are not socially acceptable.

He would visit our mutual friend who has a toddler at 7pm and doesn't seem to notice she's trying to put him to bed and now is not a good time until she told him and he stopped popping round.

I meet up with this friend every fortnight in town and we go for a meal. He's recently visiting his mum who is in hospital and he goes past my house on his way back so asks to pop round 'for lunch'. He arrives at 1pm every fortnight at lunch time and eats plenty of food.

I know I'm an absolute idiot for putting up with it but I do that because we've been friends for 6 years and he's been a very loyal friend. He never asks for any favours (except coming at lunch time).

I have now however, decided not to do it anymore. He warns 35k a year and him and is partner have a joint income of 70k a year. I have 13k a year and a child to provide for.

I would tell him to come late afternoon but it wouldn't make any difference he'd just not have lunch and expect it later.

I often wonder if he's just rude and stingy with money, or actually has some kind of autism.

I know you don't know him but do you think it's a little mean to choose not to see him at lunch time if I have to provide lunch for him?

My other friends bring me lunch when they come at lunch time. He never even brings some drinks!

When he goes to a house party he doesn't bring anything either.

And yet gives a card and present (not expensive one but it the thought) on my birthday and Christmas and would help you out in any kind of emergency.

He has been a reference for me many times as he was my boss at one point.

I have seen him with his mum who is a single parent and she doesn't seem to have ever taught him manners or how to be considerate. Something he seems to not have learnt in adult life either.

His partner is amazing. They've been together a year now and he's helped him so much and has taught him he needs to bring a present to a house party.

It's weird he's 30 and wouldn't know this already!

So I'm rambling now. AIBU to not see him if it means I've got to give him lunch? And does it seem like he's on the autistic specified or just rude?

OP posts:
traviata · 19/01/2017 22:49

yes I agree with pps - you don't need to criticise or tell him that he's done something wrong. Just ask for what you want, ie that he brings the makings of lunch.

How about like this:

"hi john, I'm looking forwards to catching up next week. Please can you bring soup bread cheese and tomatoes for our lunch."

then if he questions it;

"I'd like us to take turns with providing lunch - I'll do next time - hope that's ok."

Salmotrutta · 19/01/2017 22:49

I agree with a couple of others :-

"Hi X, yes would love to see you for lunch but can you bring something as the cupboards are bare/haven't been shopping?"

Why not reply along those lines?

PussInCoutts · 19/01/2017 22:50

Sounds like he has AS instead of being deliberately rude. (I have AS.)

His partner is amazing. They've been together a year now and he's helped him so much and has taught him he needs to bring a present to a house party.

It is best you gently reason with him, and no it's not worth losing a loyal friend over, just explain your situation gently. Us spectrumy people often need others to tell us verbally.

bunnylove99 · 19/01/2017 22:50

I would politely suggest to him he might like to bring you lunch sometimes. Otherwise, can you not just serve something inexpensive like cheese on toast or soup or a baked potato or something? Surely you are eating yourself anyway so one more potato/roll etc shouldn't break the bank.

DesolateWaist · 19/01/2017 22:51

Often people who have always had money simply don't understand what it is like to be on a very tight budget. I had a friend like that, similar wages to the ones you mention in your OP. She had never earned less and just simply didn't get it until another friend said something. It just didn't occur to her that a loaf of bread and some cheese was expensive to me.

WhitePhantom · 19/01/2017 22:51

How well do you know his partner? If he took it well re his partner pointing out that he needs to bring a present when going to a house party, could you ask him to have a discreet word with your friend?

hungryhippo90 · 19/01/2017 22:52

You know, you could make lunch very cheaply. Grab a smart price bag of pasta, a £1 pasta sauce (there's always one on sale!)
Bit of cheese (I imagine you'll have some)little grate of that on top, throw in oven you can get a smart price garlic bread for about 35p. You can cook a nice lunch for about £1.60.
Plus half an hour. Well worth it for a good friendship

Elianna · 19/01/2017 22:54

It will cost far more if you meet with him and eat out for lunch.

Original poster
user1484493755 · 19/01/2017 22:54

It's not just a sandwich. He eats fruit, cake, about 5 sandwiches. Juice. It's the principle really. I didn't invite him.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484493755 · 19/01/2017 22:55

He was a penniless student once.

If I got to his house he never makes me dinner we go halves on a takeaway. So sometimes I think he does know why he's doing and is after a free lunch.

I hope I'm wrong though

OP posts:
Inertia · 19/01/2017 22:55

To be honest, with a close and loyal friend who'd generously helped me with my studies for many years, and written several references, I think I' d try to find a way to stretch lunch out once a fortnight. If he's expecting a full-on 3 course meal then of course that's utterly unreasonable, but given that he's done you a lot of favours (and might yet do more) then beans on toast once a fortnight doesn't seem wholly unreasonable.

As others have suggested, you could always suggest him bringing something round every now and then.

He might not realise that money is as tight as it is for you if you're having regular meals out with him.

Bluntness100 · 19/01/2017 22:56

Then just don't have those things available when he visits.

MillionToOneChances · 19/01/2017 22:56

No need to devastate him. Just say "Would love to see you but I'm too broke to feed you. Could it be your turn to bring the lunch this time?"

And repeat alternate times until he gets in the habit 😄

MillionToOneChances · 19/01/2017 22:57

Or "I've got a loaf but could you grab some ham and cheese?"

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2017 22:57

Oh gosh, I thought he was coming round twice a week, twice a month is nothing. Tell him to bring something next time, or cook massive stew or spag Bol, tgat is cheap and economical and filling.

Original poster
user1484493755 · 19/01/2017 22:57

I would probably offer him lunch every now and again anyway. I just don't feel I should have to do it.

It's not the money even. It's the time, washing up after, preparation. I don't see why I should.

OP posts:
ElizabethLemon · 19/01/2017 22:59

Don't offer him all that food then? Make some soup and ask him to bring some bread. If he helps himself to food (which I doubt he does) ask him to stop.

You says he's loyal and that he's done a lot for you, lunch twice a month with a friend like that isn't a big deal really?

And no you haven't invited him but you're also unwilling to tell him he's not invited.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2017 23:00

If your fed up,of doing it, tell him to eat before he comes, or to,bring something to eat.

FrancisCrawford · 19/01/2017 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patriciathestripper1 · 19/01/2017 23:03

Ffs Shock so you can't be arsed to make lunch twice a month for what you describe as a loyal freind? Who never asks anything from you but is there to help you whenever you want?
I think you are being rather petty to risk spoiling a good freindship by gribbling about lunch!,Hmm
Just do beans on toast with a bit of grated cheese if you want to do something cheap rather than nothing.

MissMalteser · 19/01/2017 23:04

Can you not just stick a load of cheese and ham sandwiches and a few jammy dodgers on a plate and be done with it? If you are starting to resent it though then I think you need to start asking him to pick up a contribution on his way

nicenewdusters · 19/01/2017 23:06

If you can afford a fortnightly meal out with him then soup, beans on toast and a cake fortnightly surely can't be too much of a stretch? From your post I feel your real objection is his assumption that he can come round to your house. He did ask though, and you say it's only a recent thing.

He sounds like a very good friend, which you acknowledge. You also think you know why he might be socially a little awkward or unaware. But why do you think you begrudge your good friend some lunch twice a month? How do you explain your behaviour?

Original poster
user1484493755 · 19/01/2017 23:08

I'm fed up with his scrounging.

Not that I'm being mean and won't feed a loyal friend. It's that I feel I'm being massively taken advantage of. He's popping round for free food from someone much poorer than him on a regular basis.

I'm starting a new job soon as will have the same income as him but even then it's the principle.

I feel I'm being taken for a very big ride. I don't think any reasonable person would do it. It's just rude.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 19/01/2017 23:10

Surely he'd be more devastated by you suddenly ending the friendship than by being told to bring his own lunch?

Original poster
user1484493755 · 19/01/2017 23:12

I didn't mind at first.

I've sadly got to the point where I'm pretty angry about it and yes, resentful.

What harm is bringing a cake or a few sandwiches once in a while? Just one of twice?

In comparison my other friend bring me food! Or at k say half contribution. They'd never expect me to feed her. It cost a pound or two for some pies or a cake.

I feel like he can't even be bothered to spend a pound on a constribution.

So I've decided to be busy those times when he's wanting a free meal.

OP posts: