Rude or just social unaware

[user1484493755]

I have a male friend. He's very loyal. He's very generous with his time. He's helped me with university work greatly and has stayed in close contact now for 6 years.

Generally we get on great. I've often wondered if he has very mild Asperger as he doesn't seem to always pick up on body language or seem to see certain situations are not socially acceptable.

He would visit our mutual friend who has a toddler at 7pm and doesn't seem to notice she's trying to put him to bed and now is not a good time until she told him and he stopped popping round.

I meet up with this friend every fortnight in town and we go for a meal. He's recently visiting his mum who is in hospital and he goes past my house on his way back so asks to pop round 'for lunch'. He arrives at 1pm every fortnight at lunch time and eats plenty of food.

I know I'm an absolute idiot for putting up with it but I do that because we've been friends for 6 years and he's been a very loyal friend. He never asks for any favours (except coming at lunch time).

I have now however, decided not to do it anymore. He warns 35k a year and him and is partner have a joint income of 70k a year. I have 13k a year and a child to provide for.

I would tell him to come late afternoon but it wouldn't make any difference he'd just not have lunch and expect it later.

I often wonder if he's just rude and stingy with money, or actually has some kind of autism.

I know you don't know him but do you think it's a little mean to choose not to see him at lunch time if I have to provide lunch for him?

My other friends bring me lunch when they come at lunch time. He never even brings some drinks!

When he goes to a house party he doesn't bring anything either.

And yet gives a card and present (not expensive one but it the thought) on my birthday and Christmas and would help you out in any kind of emergency.

He has been a reference for me many times as he was my boss at one point.

I have seen him with his mum who is a single parent and she doesn't seem to have ever taught him manners or how to be considerate. Something he seems to not have learnt in adult life either.

His partner is amazing. They've been together a year now and he's helped him so much and has taught him he needs to bring a present to a house party.

It's weird he's 30 and wouldn't know this already!

So I'm rambling now. AIBU to not see him if it means I've got to give him lunch? And does it seem like he's on the autistic specified or just rude?

Jeez my typos are so and on this phone. Sorry! I'm just tired. And annoyed!

Rather than worrying about whether he has autism or not, a more important question is whether he would take offense if you spelled things out to him. People with low social awareness (with autism or not) often prefer to have social niceties spelled out and they are not so easily offended so long as the explanation is plain and polite - don't come round at seven o'clock because I am busy putting the baby to bed; it is your turn to bring me lunch next time you come round. He didn't take offence over being told to visit at a different time so why would he be so hurt about getting lunch? You seem to be building up a head of resentment and suspicion about what might be behind his behaviour which is stopping you from doing the obvious thing - just tell him what you want to happen.

I'd go with being honest he listened and changed in regards to bedtime and your other friend there's no reason to think it wouldn't be the same for you

I'm struggling to understand your point of view to be honest. It should be a pleasure to do something nice for a friend. Anyone coming to my house gets offered food, let alone a friend. How can you resent making lunch for a friend? I just don't get it.

Perhaps though, IF you are running short of time or whatever, you could always suggest a take away like he does when you go round. Although that would end up costing you more.

I suppose I could just tell him.

He's always been mean with money. Has plenty of it but won't tip at restaurants,
Won't bring alcohol to house parties etc.

I think he's been a very spoilt child and has never had to think of others once in his life.

But he is generous with his time.

Obviously you feel how you do, whatever others say. But it's not like his mum has moved around the corner, and so from now on he'll be popping in 3 times a week for lunch. It's temporary, presumably she's ill, and he probably thought that's nice, I can have lunch with my friend.

Yes he could bring his own, or enough for you both, but he hasn't. So you either call him out on being tight and risk a row or ill feeling. Or accept your "diagnosis" of him and roll with it. Maybe next time you meet for lunch ask him if he wants to treat you, to return the favour ?

He more than likely thinks you enjoy the event.

It's very unfair to not actually raise it as an issue

I resent making food for him because he ASKS for it and expects it without me offering.

Massive difference between that and a friend who pops round not expecting to be fed.

Odd if you can't see that

You are complaining about different things -

If he's turning up uninvited and you don't want to feed him, don't answer the door, he'll soon get the message.

If you want him to give you notice that he's going to visit, do the above, until he get the message he needs to organise it with you to make sure you're in.

If you don't want to feed him, do as other ops have suggested and tell him to bring food.

If you don't want to clean up after him, tell him to bring a sandwich, cupboards are bare etc

i think what is bothering you is that he is a former boss of your and you appear resentful that your still kowtowing to him? So I guess it depends on whether the friendship/ pay off is worth it ?

Just say in advance of his next visit: looking forward to seeing you on xx. Please bring a ciabatta and pudding and I will do some soup/pasta.

Why is that difficult? You're making this into too much of a deal. The guy obviously doesn't realise.

I don't mind him coming over at all. It's only that he expects food and asks for food. He's quite particular about what he will eat too. He's wouldn't be happy with a bowl of stew!

I don't like paying for his free meal. I don't like preparing it. I don't like cleaning up after him when I've been looking after a child all day.

If there was a general exchange of food between us (I sometimes go to his and vice Versa) that's different.

But he never ever cooks for me.

If I go to his it's a takeaway I'm going halves on.

So while some people may think I should put up with it. If you've not been told you're making lunch for someone every fortnight without contribution you don't know what it feels like.

My main issue is while I would hope he just doesn't understand. I don't actually know that.

And a very big part of me hunks he knows exactly what he's doing and is just taking advantage because he knows I'm not assertive with friends so won't say anything.

He knows I'd never be able to tell him to bring food along and is exploiting that I feel.

If I've read your post correctly OP he asked if he could pop round for lunch. Presumably you said yes. So he's not popping in expecting it, you have said you'll do this - even if you don't really want to. I can see why you have become resentful if he's generally tight with money. But looking at the bigger picture is this not a case of just accepting the rough with the smooth?

Think how this would look in reverse if he was posting. He'd see himself as a kind loyal friend who has helped you out on many occasions. But now he feels you resent providing him lunch once a fortnight when he's visited his mother in hospital.

ok, this has changed from your first messages.

But either way, if the friendship is worth keeping, then just ASK HIM FOR WHAT YOU WANT (sorry for shouting).

There is absolutely no point in getting all angry because he didn't think of this himself, and speculating that perhaps he did it because he wants a free meal (unlikely), and feeling all hard done by.

Just ask him for what you want.

ask him to bring food x y and z next time.
If you find it inconvenient to wash up, ask him to bring ready made sandwiches.

Focus on the solution not your hurt feelings, if you want to keep the relationship going.

Given he has provided you with practical support in the past in various ways (which is worth its weight in gold), I think I would be happy to provide a cheap meal (tin of soup or beans on toast) once a fortnight, especially if you enjoy his company.

A friend who will help you out so freely is a good friend to have. If you don't want to provide food then tell him you are going out, or won't be able to see him that day....perhaps change the arrangement to once a month rather than fortnightly which may feel more manageable.

I have to agree with pps. It really isn't very fair imo that you are frequently cooking for him and not getting the same in return, but you do have it in your power to refuse to give him lunch or to ask him to bring something.

If you choose not to do that and just end up resenting him / ending the friendship then that is a bit of a shame (assuming he is the wonderful, loyal friend you described in your OP).

If he isn't that great a friend then meh, if phase him out.

However, the fact you've taken the trouble to mention how great a friend he is in your OP makes me assume you don't want to do that and it isn't worth ending a good friendship over the odd lunch; either grin and bear it or tell him to bring something etc etc.

*i'd phase him out

Why does autocorrect always change I'd to if???

I do see why your fed up. I don't see why you haven't said anything you say yourself he doesn't seem to get cues so why not just say your welcome to come but I can't always do food.

If he asks can't you just say sure it's beans on toast or scrammbled eggs, which would you prefer?
My DB is like this, he gets what i want to provide if he doesn't like it he can buy his own food but i'm happy for him to stop by and and have what i'm offering

If he likes cake couldn't you say ...I'll make some sandwiches, could you pick up a cake on the way.... don't mind what, surprise me! I think sounds more natural than asking someone to bring ciabatta or soup...

I have no problem asking my friends to pick up some milk or bread etc if I've run out and they're calling round for a coffee. Real friends will understand it's not always easy to "pop out" with little ones in tow

If you asked if you could go round to his for lunch one day would he seriously not offer you a sandwich and cake in return?

I think your frustration stems (understandably) from your being unable to assert yourself. It sounds like a friendship worth saving, so you'll need to find a way to be assertive that you feel comfortable with. It's not his fault that you can't ask for what you want. However, if you think he knows this about you and is taking advantage that's not on, at all.

How about a text along the lines of you really enjoy his visits, but with a small child preparing lunch at that time is not convenient. So, could he bring a lunch with him from now on? If he's taking the p**s but wants to still see you he'll bring lunch. If you're just a free lunch (which sounds unlikely) he won't stop by anymore. If he's socially unaware he'll say ok fine, and turn up next time with his lunch.

He sounds untrained but also a bit materially selfish. I do think people can easily not realise they're imposing, if to them lunch at home doesn't register as an expense.

Also, he probably thinks this is just what friends do and that he'd do the same for you, if the situation was reversed. You say he doesn't offer you food at his home but is this being tight, or disorganised, or because he expects others to be as forthright as he is in stating their wants?

Sounds to me like he's never learnt the roles of host or guest and is stuck in a studenty millieu of sharing freely amongst skint friends, while accepting 'gifts' from proper grown-ups, not having recognised that he is now as much a grown up as everyone else.

I do think the habit of bringing gifts is inculcated in some people, not others and, while taking wine to a party is a simple rule to learn, the idea of bringing the makings of a meal to someone's house just wouldn't occur to a lot of people.

I've often wondered if he has very mild Asperger
There's no such thing, see image.

You are really making far too big a deal of the lunch.
There are options

1. Explain to him nicely that you can't afford to feed him every week so he needs to take his turn and bring lunch with him every alternate week.

2. Enrol your child in an activity which makes you unavailable for lunch on 'his' day.

3. Have you never asked why he doesn't cook for you ever? It's probably because he feels as though he's not good enough and takeaways are a safer bet. But if you can't afford to pay halves when he does host, tell him. You already know he's socially gauche, so be nice and explain your actions in a way that won't offend him.

He's not going to pick up on your irritation and hints. Decide how you want the future shared lunchtimes to be and explain to him nicely that there have to be some changes.