Rude or just social unaware

[user1484493755]

I have a male friend. He's very loyal. He's very generous with his time. He's helped me with university work greatly and has stayed in close contact now for 6 years.

Generally we get on great. I've often wondered if he has very mild Asperger as he doesn't seem to always pick up on body language or seem to see certain situations are not socially acceptable.

He would visit our mutual friend who has a toddler at 7pm and doesn't seem to notice she's trying to put him to bed and now is not a good time until she told him and he stopped popping round.

I meet up with this friend every fortnight in town and we go for a meal. He's recently visiting his mum who is in hospital and he goes past my house on his way back so asks to pop round 'for lunch'. He arrives at 1pm every fortnight at lunch time and eats plenty of food.

I know I'm an absolute idiot for putting up with it but I do that because we've been friends for 6 years and he's been a very loyal friend. He never asks for any favours (except coming at lunch time).

I have now however, decided not to do it anymore. He warns 35k a year and him and is partner have a joint income of 70k a year. I have 13k a year and a child to provide for.

I would tell him to come late afternoon but it wouldn't make any difference he'd just not have lunch and expect it later.

I often wonder if he's just rude and stingy with money, or actually has some kind of autism.

I know you don't know him but do you think it's a little mean to choose not to see him at lunch time if I have to provide lunch for him?

My other friends bring me lunch when they come at lunch time. He never even brings some drinks!

When he goes to a house party he doesn't bring anything either.

And yet gives a card and present (not expensive one but it the thought) on my birthday and Christmas and would help you out in any kind of emergency.

He has been a reference for me many times as he was my boss at one point.

I have seen him with his mum who is a single parent and she doesn't seem to have ever taught him manners or how to be considerate. Something he seems to not have learnt in adult life either.

His partner is amazing. They've been together a year now and he's helped him so much and has taught him he needs to bring a present to a house party.

It's weird he's 30 and wouldn't know this already!

So I'm rambling now. AIBU to not see him if it means I've got to give him lunch? And does it seem like he's on the autistic specified or just rude?

If he is on the spectrum, he might not understand social norms.

If he isn't on the spectrum, he might not understand social norms.

Explain it's the norm to take turns! He obviously enjoys his visits and your company and if you do too, then sort it out!

It's not the cost, really, particularly since soon you will have a bit more to spend, but the expectation that is bugging you, plus his fussiness about what he will and won't eat, which presumably makes it a bit of a pain to cook for him.

It can be difficult breaking a pattern that has become set, but I think you are going to have to tell him that you want him to start contributing. Would he help you to cook or tidy up if you asked him to? Would he bring something specific if you asked? You don't want resentment to build further and spoil the friendship.

He obviously can be retrained, as demonstrated by your friend with the toddler!

How long has his mother been in hospital and how many of these fortnightly lunches have you actually provided? It's just that you stsrted that part of the story with the word "recently" so I can't imagine it has been loads of times?

Why dont you simply go out for the day next time he's expected? Then when he calls to say "where were you?" you can reply that he seems to have fallen into a pattern of expecting you to be at home and make lunch for him every fortnight without discussing it with you first. But it doesn't always suit you and it is the societal norm to check with the other person first. It will be another life lesson learned for him, along with not visiting someone with a toddler at 7pm and always taking a bottle to parties.

Sounds like you provide for him and he gives you friendship and support - he's a man and they don't really see those Types of Things IMO as something he could reciprocate and bring lunch every other week!!

Can you just make him a sandwich instead of a full lunch? It make veg soup as that's not expensive
And goes a long way?

I agree with saucy jack

If it bothers you enough to start a thread on MN then I think you should actually talk to him about it.

He clearly doesn't have a clue he's doing anything wrong, by lying and pretending to be out or busy and avoiding seeing him will damage your friendship and is hurtful and cowardly.

Just send him a message 'looking forward to seeing you this weekend, I'm on a ridiculously tight budget after Christmas, cupboards are bare! so I'm afraid will only be able to offer you a cuppa and not lunch, see you then x'

I have to be honest and say I think you're being a bit mean. 2 meals per month are small fry in turn for a fantastic friendship!

There's so many things you campus give him that wouldn't cost more than £1

I feel sorry for the poor guy. I don't think you deserve a friend like him. I don't think he deserves a friend who thinks lying is the answer. I don't think he deserves to be bitched about on a forum.

If he's that loyal then he'll appreciate being told he's upsetting you and will do something about it. If you don't appreciate his friendship (more fool you) then don't benefit from it.

Lying is far worse than not being aware of a social norm.

I feel sorry for the poor guy. I don't think you deserve a friend like him. I don't think he deserves a friend who thinks lying is the answer. I don't think he deserves to be bitched about on a forum.

This.

Pull up your big girl pants and TELL HIM.

My brother is like this and he and our family are pretty sure he has undiagnosed ASD, albeit at the high functioning end.

The only thing that works is to tell him what you would like him to do, ie when you come round for dinner bring some beers with you. And we have to tell him every time, I had thought that after a few years he might start to anticipate what is expected of him but it would seem not.

The good thing is he doesn't seem to mind and in fact I think appreciates being directed with regards to others expectations.

You need to have the conversation but frame it in a ' this is what I need you to do ' kind of way.

You clearly don't want to be his friend so just tell him that. This isn't about lunch, that surely wouldn't be an issue for a loyal friend. Terminate the friendship and take a good hard look at yourself when you have no friends left as you seem to be the issue here.

SO you've said he's a loyal friend, helped you out practically & has given you a reference & you also write:

'I'm fed up with his scrounging'
'I often wonder if he's just rude and stingy with money, or actually has some kind of autism'.

It sounds like you don't deserve him as a friend if you're going to slag him off on MN because he comes round for lunch twice a month with you and you now resent him for it. And after he's visited his mother in hospital - nice.

Sounds like you've taken advantage of him, not the other way round. I really hope he stops helping you out if moan about feeding him a few times a month.

And for the record - not everyone with autism is 'rude and stingy with money'. You really have come across as ignorant and rude OP.

You say he is a loyal friend that is generous with his time and has helped you greatly in the last six years. Then you proceed to shred him apart.

Sounds like he is not the only one in this situation that is "socially unaware."

Cut him loose so he can find friends who are loyal to him as well, rather than bitching about him behind his back.

A bowl of pasta and sauce possibly?? will it really break the bank???

Don't understand the issue in making a mate a cheese sandwich once a fortnight. Not as if you're having to cook lobster thermidor and serving it with a nice chilled Chablis.

So, let me get this straight, he helped you greatly during uni, he's been your reference several times, he gives you gifts and cards on birthdays or Xmas, but you really hate giving him lunch twice a month.

And now you've through uni and have a better job so don't really need him anymore.

No wonder you don't want to tell him you don't like providing lunch for him a couple of times a month. Sounds like you used him and now you want to get shot.

If he does have autism I can tell you that he most likely will appreciate you just actually telling him. Don't faff about making shit up I absolutely hate that. Autistic people are aware that we fuck things up sometimes so just tell us what to do.

It may be that he's not thought about it at all. He may have never been taught to take things. He may have just not realised.

Just say "it will be lovely to see you. can you bring X with you for lunch please?" Making things polite but clear is the absolute best way to deal with it.

My recommendation is that you start at the beginning of the thread (including your initial post which seems different to the updates you've posted!) and re-read it all slowly. If you can post all this here then I don't see why you can't text him to say 'can you bring x' or talk to his other half.
He sounds like a good friend to me, wish he was mine. I'd happily do a simple lunch once a fortnight - particularly since he seems so organised in turning up at the same time (I'd really appreciate that, I hate vagueness and poor timings, they unnerve me).

Sounds like he is not the only one in this situation that is "socially unaware
Tbh I agree

I saw a great thread on here once about friendship and the main advice was to 'keep it light'. Since reading that thread, I have tried to do that in my own life. I think that with this good friend, who is annoying you, rather than giving him a lecture you should just 'keep it light'. So, on the day of the lunch text him, "Hey X, can you grab some ham? Thanks." Then when he arrives put the bread and the ham on the table and you both just make your own sandwiches. You make a cup of tea. That's all.
You won't feel taken advantage of, or do any work beforehand, and almost no cleaning up.
He won't be devastated by your comments and the friendship can continue.

Not tipping in restaurants isn't necessarily because of meanness, it might be because it makes no logical sense to do so.

No-one tips many many other similarly paid workers for similar jobs like retail and arguably more important ones like cleaners and care workers, but it is a historical social convention to tip waiting staff.

Or maybe the friend is monumentally tight, in which case he needs pulling up on it - perhaps he has several friends that he visits on rotation so never actually pays for his own lunch?

Penelope- perfect advice.

I don't think the OP wants to "fix" this. I suspect the friend has outlived his usefulness (note she has a new job and so help with uni and references is no longer needed) and she wants to cut ties, but is looking for validation here that she's not being mean. She won't get that from me.

It sounds like you are happy to take his time when you need help without reciprocating - but when it's your turn, you get resentful and begrudge him.

You don't sound like a very nice friend to him at all and I feel bad for the guy for investing so much of his precious free time.

Let me guess - is it because you were both poor students together but now that his salary is higher than yours, you feel you don't "owe" him anything despite years of kindness from him?

I have 'mild autism' and would be devastated if any of my friends were talking about me like this. Don't friends help friends?
Just tell him to pick up lunch next time! Chrissake it doesn't need all this ruminating and resentment.