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I’m in an open marriage AMA

(376 Posts)
TigersEyes Sat 04-Aug-18 22:22:07

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

Chuggachuggatoottoot Sat 04-Aug-18 22:24:52

Why? What's the point of being married if you're going to do that. That's not what marriage is about. It just makes a mockery of it.

kayakingmum Sat 04-Aug-18 22:26:10

I have two - Did you decide to have an open marriage when you got married and do you think one half prefers the set up than the other? I just wonder if one person is going along with it to please the other. Just thought of another one - do either of you worry that the other with leave you/him for another partner?

TigersEyes Sat 04-Aug-18 22:27:05

@chuggachuggatoottoot - I completely respect your opinion but respectfully disagree. For me, I can be committed to my husband but also have connections with other people. There’s no mockery here.

TigersEyes Sat 04-Aug-18 22:29:53

@kayakingmum, we had been together for over twenty years before we opened up the marriage and it was after a huge amount of discussion. It definitely works for both of us, though we get different things out of it. And yes, there’s that worry, but there would be in a conventional marriage too so it’s not too big a worry, if that makes sense!

Chalady Sat 04-Aug-18 22:32:01

Wouldn't you rather be free & single?

mineisarossini Sat 04-Aug-18 22:32:05

Do you feel jealous that he prefers another woman sexually? And becomes emotionally attached to her?
How do you/he stop falling in love with the OM/OW?

Littlechocola Sat 04-Aug-18 22:33:19

Do you discuss new ‘interests’ with each other?

TigersEyes Sat 04-Aug-18 22:33:25

It’s actually made our connection much stronger because we have to have such honest communication these days.

DeepestBlues Sat 04-Aug-18 22:34:01

Do you have children together?

TigersEyes Sat 04-Aug-18 22:34:07

@chalady, not in the slightest. I would be if I wanted that.

MMmomDD Sat 04-Aug-18 22:34:39

So - on what you both get out - if you are able to share that ?
What was missing in the marriage for you and for him - that open marriage provides now?

Also - I presume you have some ground rules?

And finally - in your case - is open marriage different to polyamory?

SuburbanRhonda Sat 04-Aug-18 22:36:34

Why get married if you want to have relationships with other people?

Does seem like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

TigersEyes Sat 04-Aug-18 22:36:44

@mineisarossini, falling in love is fine. In fact, he is in love with someone else and I have been. Jealousy can definitely happen, but we talk it through and deal with it. Honest communication is the key and I won’t pretend it’s always easy, but not was monogamy.

Itchytights Sat 04-Aug-18 22:37:36

Cake and eat it springs to mind.
Makes a mockery of marriage.

Sorry op but it does despite you defending it.

I shall get my coat now and have no intention of returning...


TigersEyes Sat 04-Aug-18 22:37:39

@littlechocola, yes. We discuss all new interests or potential connections with each other.

Obiey Sat 04-Aug-18 22:38:16

How did you go about introducing it?

DH and I have talked about this for several years. We feel confident it could work with enough openess, honesty and clear boundaries. We don't argue and can talk about anything. Not sure how one gets started practically speaking though haha. Is it just when you happen to meet someone you like or is it a more active process?

What has been the hardest part/biggest challenge since becoming open?

TigersEyes Sat 04-Aug-18 22:41:42

@MMmomDD, well, we get to have close connections with other people now, which is great. What was missing? That’s a tough one. We’d grown quite resentful of each other. A deep love but also a feeling of being trapped somewhat. From both sides.

We have so many rules! More than we had in our monogamous years. Actually, I say that, but probably it’s just that our rules are more transparent and honest.

We consider ourselves polyamorous, it’s just that we’re married too.

IdontunderstandPicasso Sat 04-Aug-18 22:42:03

how do you go about meeting other people? Most people wouldn’t pursue someone who is married. Do all your friends know? Do you “advertise” it? Are there really people who wouldn’t mind sharing you with your husband? Are you totally honest with the other people you meet?

TigersEyes Sat 04-Aug-18 22:43:09

I have absolutely no qualms about having my cake and eating it and I really don’t feel I have anything to defend, btw. But I do respect that’s not everyone’s opinion, I really do. I’m not advocating this for everyone.

LowPainThreshold Sat 04-Aug-18 22:43:46

I think to each their own and if it works for you that's great.

Who brought the idea up, and if it was your husband were you at first a bit upset or vice versa?

Have you got other friends in an open marriage or are you the only couple you know?

Racecardriver Sat 04-Aug-18 22:44:28

What kind of people do you end up attracting? Do you tell your potential dates up front that you are married or do you wait and spring it in them after a few dates?

Fuckedoffat48b Sat 04-Aug-18 22:45:04

Do you think it is fair on the other people you are having relationships with, that they have to agree to always come second to your spouse? You are married, are they? Don't they have more to lose if the relationship ends?

TigersEyes Sat 04-Aug-18 22:46:10

@obiey, I was the one to bring it up initially and it took a lot of conversations. Over perhaps six months. And then we went to see a counsellor who specialises in poly relationships. After that, we became involved in a poly community in London and met lots of people that way.

I won’t pretend it’s been plain sailing in the slightest. But so worth it.

SuburbanRhonda Sat 04-Aug-18 22:46:33

I’ll ask again - why get married if you want to have relationships with other people? Do you ever think about the vows you made to each other when you got married?

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