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AMA

I’m in an open marriage AMA

375 replies

TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 22:22

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

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TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:25

@keyboardjellyfish, I guess like anything else, you just manage. And I don’t mean that glibly. Our children are older so we have more time to ourselves now. I think it would have been difficult when they were younger but we have polyam friends with babies and toddlers who manage just fine! I guess everyone finds their own path and I can’t pretend to be an expert. Good luck!

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thegreatbeyond · 04/08/2018 23:26

Why would it be 'to me'? I'm not personally involved, you invited questions.

How do you justify, to yourself, that you are creating an insecure environment for your children? Your children are living in an environment, created by you and your husband, where they are aware (presumably that their father loves other women than Mummy, and has sex with other people, possibly they might worry he isn't their father at all. It is insecure for them, that is fairly obvious.

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Bluntness100 · 04/08/2018 23:27

Ok that's interesting, so you still have sex with each other, but you have sex with him knowing he is in love with someone else and not you?

That by the very nature of being in love means he'd rather be with her than you?

I notice when you say how she makes him happy, you follow it immediately with as do you. This indicates competitiveness.

Are you being honest here? Your immediate proclaimation that you make him just as happy as her, when you weren't even asked that, indicates there is a significant issue here.

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NordicNobody · 04/08/2018 23:27

That was my thinking behind the same question. As you can see from this thread plenty of adults struggle to understand this, so I think it makes a difference whether your kids are 6/7 as opposed to 16/17.

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Anonnymouse54321 · 04/08/2018 23:27

I find this interesting OP, thank you for sharing. I've tentatively raised the issue myself but DH is having none of it. I think monogamy can be very difficult, as proven with the amount of affairs that go on. At least this way everything is open and honest.

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/08/2018 23:29

Do you think there's a correlation between being in an open marriage and being hugely attention-seeking?

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TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:30

@NordicNobody, please don’t be sorry for your questions! I’m sorry if I miss any.

I guess that the thing is. I’m not looking for anyone to marry and have children with. So the future I have with partners isn’t lessened because it doesn’t include those goals. I like the commitment, the closeness, the attachment.

Yes, it was extremely sad when my last partner and I broke up. I can’t pretend otherwise. And my DH was wonderful. But I got over it and we’re still friends.

I don’t want to be rude but i’d rather not answer the question about my children’s ages. DH and I are in our forties.

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MadMags · 04/08/2018 23:31

Why start an AMA thread if you're going to be cagey in your responses? Why not tell people how old your dc are?

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ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 04/08/2018 23:31

This is fascinating Grin

Are you able to tell us about your other lover, who you fell in love with? How long did it last? How come it ended? Are you still friends?

Do you date & have close friendships with your other lovers, or is it mainly just meeting up for sex? E.g. would you meet them for a coffee then go your different ways, or say, go clothes shopping with them, and it not lead to sex? The same questions for your DH, please?

Do you ever go on double dates? Are you friends with your DH's lovers, & vice versa? Thanks.

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FelicityFoxworth · 04/08/2018 23:32

So your children could be anything from 5--20 ish then?

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TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:33

@Bluntness100, the whole point of polyamory is that you can be in love with more than one person. And please stop trying to read more into my answers than I’m saying. There’s only competition if you’re coming from a monogamous viewpoint. Which i’m not.

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ClandestineAdulation · 04/08/2018 23:34

Firstly, thank you for being open about this. I have a couple of questions but please don’t feel obliged to answer them all!

If your DH hadn’t been happy to ‘open’ your marriage, would you have just stayed as you were?

Do you friends and family know that you have an open marriage?

Do you meet your DH’s partners and vice versa?

Logistically... where do you meet your partners? Do you have ‘date nights’, gonout for dinner, drinks? Or do you meet at their place? Are they ever in your home?

Sorry, that’s a lot of questions but I find this subject really quite interesting and would like to understand more Smile

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TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:34

@LRDtheFeministDragon, no.

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flapjackfairy · 04/08/2018 23:35

Of course you are not a monster I never suggested you were. I am not perfect and have no right to judge even though I do not agree with you.
I am genuinely trying to understand it in relation to your kids . You did say ask me anything and personally I am not interested in how many people you sleep with only how it impacts on your kids.

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TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:35

@FelicityFoxworth, yes.

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Enidblyton1 · 04/08/2018 23:35

So are you saying that your DH loves another woman more than he loves you? How does that feel?

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ThinkingCat · 04/08/2018 23:36

I can understand that after 20 years of monogamous marriage, the idea of an 'open' marriage operates like a safety valve, so you can both have some freedom without resorting to deceit while maintaining your relationship.

I didn't know there was a poly community, but I see that is a group of people who have agreed that being exclusive is not a requirement.

Is there any sense of it being a bit of a chaotic free-for-all?
Isn't it confusing to be dating one additional person, then another person is interested in dating you at the same time?
Is it difficult to say no, I don't want any further dates at the moment?
(Because you can't use I'm already dating someone as a reason!)

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Megan2989 · 04/08/2018 23:38

Jesus people are so rude and nasty!!

I'M does not need to disclose her children's ages. Also each to their own, live and let live.

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Abouttoblow · 04/08/2018 23:38

Why not just separate and be happy single or with new partners?

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Seeingadistance · 04/08/2018 23:38

As a pp has now pointed out, marriage is a legal contract. It is, and it is a contract which has faithfulness between spouses, to the exclusion of all others, as a key requirement.

Open marriage really is an oxymoron as marriage, by definition is not open.

OP, the lack of honesty I referred to in my previous post was really just in general, rather than to anyone in particular. You are known to be a married couple but your behaviour is not compatible with that. Maybe lack of integrity, rather than lack of honesty is more apt here.

I mentioned that marriage means there's a power imbalance in your other relationships, so divorce would get rid of that hierarchy, as it were.

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ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 04/08/2018 23:38

I know someone, now an adult, whose parents were in an open marriage, & that friends says that it fucked him/her up hugely.

However, that person is mid 50s in age..parenting has moved on, & the effect it had on him could have been more to do with how his parents handled the situation, than the fact that they were in an open marriage iyswim.

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LoniceraJaponica · 04/08/2018 23:39

If you normalise polyamory then your children will more than likely follow suit. Will they be as honest with their partners or will they lie and cheat so they can have their cake snd eat it?

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TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:39

@ClandestineAdulation, I can’t honestly say what would have happened to our marriage. I know we loved each other very much but something had to change.

Some family and friends know and some don’t.

We always meet each other’s partners, that’s one of our rules. But lots of polyam people don’t. We generally meet people through friends and yes, go on dates like anyone else! It is very, very rare for people to come to ours unless they are a very established partner.

Never be sorry for asking questions!

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SuburbanRhonda · 04/08/2018 23:40

So the vows you made when you got married are now meaningless. That’s why I’m wondering why you stay married and why you don’t just get divorced so you can shag whoever you like.

However you dress it up, it always sounds monumentally self-indulgent to me.

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EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB · 04/08/2018 23:40

Do you have sex with OM/OW in your house or do you dtd elsewhere?

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