I’m in an open marriage AMA

[TigersEyes]

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

@foxyliz26, you honestly couldn’t be more wrong about how it started. And I bet you see lots of divorcing couples from monogamous marriages too.

Hi TIGER

Just come across your thread, and would like to ask

How does it work out with finances? If you are both dating or in other relationships,
Is there a pot of money or a limit on spending. Can you do separate holidays with these other partners, and if so is there a spending limit ?

Genuine question and great thread thanks
😃

@Guiltypleasures001, I guess that money works the same as it does in lots of other households. We both work and have shared finances that go towards the house and family etc. Then there’s money left over for other interests. We do go on holidays with other partners, yes, but it’s very rare. We prefer to holiday as a family.

It’s really interesting to hear these questions, so thank you.

I think it's great that there is more awareness and acceptance of non-monogamous relationships now.
Monogamy is not for everyone especially with access to effective contraception and financial independence for women.
I am a divorced woman and don't want any more children. For me the downsides of co-habiting/monogamy far outweigh the upsides. I don't need a man to provide for me or my kids and I don't want to do the domestic drudgery. I have plenty of friends. So there is absolutely no upside for me in committing to one man.

What do you tell your children when one of you is on holiday with another partner? Do you introduce your children to these other partners?

I can't believe that someone would post a message that's so littered with grammatical errors, while admitting to being a qualified solicitor.

Sorry, I fully realise this makes me an insufferable snob (I completely own it), but seriously...

In any case, if you do need a solicitor in the coming years, @TigersEyes - I suggest one of liz's (sic) colleagues.

thedowager did I miss where it says this thread is a legal document? For what it’s worth my solicitor was bloody amazing and her writing, spelling and grammar were appalling, until she edited that is. Pretty sure if she was on mumsnet she wouldn’t bother making an effort to edit though

OP, but the very fact you are in an open marriage is proof that you do not wish to be faithful to one partner. The only difference between you and someone who has clandestine affairs is that your affairs are out in the open. Nothing wrong with wanting to have multiple sexual partners if that’s what floats your boat, but you simply cannot talk about faithfulness in a marriage because you are unfaithful to your husband and he is unfaithful to you to the point he is in love with another woman.

Just because you’re honest with your husband about wanting to sleep with other men and form emotional attachments with them doesn’t make your affairs any less affairs than if you were going behind his back to do so.

I can’t honestly say what would have happened to our marriage. I know we loved each other very much but something had to change

“I do think however that generally these types of arrangements come about because one partner knows that the marriage isn’t working for them as it is and that if something doesn’t happen they are more likely to enter down the route of an affair.”

This may be the case for all of your friends in open marriages but it’s not my experience

Op, you understand you've contradicted yourself? You tell us at rhe start you had a problem in the marriage. You go on to tell us you're not sure if you'd have stayed together If you had not went this route, and now you're saying that wasn't the case.

Summergems id say the fact that there is no deceit and everybody is consenting and happy and aware is a pretty major difference to an affair. There is no betrayal here.
Marriage has meant many different things over the centuries and it differs in every culture. Love marriages are a pretty culturally specific phenomena and theyre a very modern invention too. Marriage is traditionally financial and political and sexual exclusivity was only ever insisted upon for the woman. Its extremely patriarchal. Its transferring ownership of a woman from one family to another.
Nowadays people get married for all sorts lf different reasons but all it actually is in reality is a legal financial contract. You dont even need to have ' to the exlusion of others' in the vows if you dont want to.

But thr op was monogamous. Even though she changes it to tell us it isn't for her, at thr start of the thread she tells us she was monogamous for twenty years. This wasn't an open marriage from the,start. She told us it only became open when they encountered problems.

@Bluntness100, I’m not contradicting myself at all. I’m saying there was a problem. I’m not saying that either of us would have had an affair.

With the utmost politeness, I think I’m just going to have to agree to disagree with some posters. I honestly respect your views and opinions, but I don’t want to argue with you. This is working for me and my husband. We’re really very, very happy. Monogamy was for me and now it’s not. People can change and I have. I don’t know what the future will bring and whether this will all fall apart in spectacular fashion and I’ll end up regretting all my choices. But nor do you know with any certainty about your own marriages and lives. That’s the thing about the future, it hasn’t happened yet.

when you encounter problems, surely you look for solutions. Even unconventional ones, and if they work and everyones happy then whats the big deal.

Id love to do this. Just dont have the time

You're being very coy about what the problem was OP.

@SchnitzelVonKrumm, do you think so? I answered it upthread, I thought.

Op, I think uou can probably see why some of us are struggling

You tell us you were monogamous for twenty years. You tell us your marriage ran into trouble and something had to change, you're not sure you'd have stayed together if it hadn't, your solution was you'd see other people.

Fair enough. But then you tell us your husband and you are now madly in love again, you tell us you make your husband very happy, that your sex life is fab again.

Then tell us sadly he is in love with another woman, you aren't even in a relationship with anyone else, never mind in love.

For most people that doesn't sound like a happy making situation, we get it makes uou happy, but I think you can see why folks would question it.

Just read your answers through again and I've still got no idea what the problem was except that you resented each other for unspecified reasons. Just not being able to shag other people? A particular other person? More complicated than that? How did you arrive at this as a solution, and what was the critical point?

I disagree, I can absolutely see how it would invigorate your marriage. DH and I have discussed this many times, and it has been nothing but healthy for us.

DH falls in love easily, but has always been very honest with me. Everyone who knows him always jokes that he would never have an affair behind my back because he'd have to call me first.

I fell for someone, knew nothing was actually going to happen, but it was much healthier to tell DH, who is ultimately my best friend.

It's a bit like having an emotional open relationship. We often wonder what would happen if we took it further, but neither of us has wanted to actually go out and look for it.

Our relationship is always stronger and happier when one of us has someone else mind you.

Oh, @Bluntness100, I do understand why people question it. What I don’t understand is why you won’t accept my answers. I’m not on a poly recruitment drive here!

I’m actually quite fascinated by why people have a problem with me being happy with my marriage and my life.

There are some bafflingly rude (and dim) posters on here.

Marriage does not necessarily always mean what some of you seem to think it means.
'Love', 'being in love' and the supposed differences between them are not agreed, factually-defined concepts.

Pretty much all beliefs about love and marriage are culturally imposed ideas, not pure truths or essential human traits.

As for the constant questioning of the OP and her dh being madly in love again - surely it is not unheard of for couples to rekindle their relationships through other ways or as a result of shared experiences, so why not through this?

Fwiw I am in a traditional, monogamous marriage and wouldn't want to be otherwise. But I don't find it hard to understand the OP's happiness with her situation.

Thank you very much for starting this OP. It's very interesting and I think it's becoming a much more acceptable and popular way to live. My DH and I are discussing it, primarily because we're both just a bit bored.

Although life-long monogamy works for some, it really is miserable for others.

The posters who have had very angry and emotional responses should perhaps interrogate those feelings. Why do you feel so threatened by people choosing to live differently? So what if some people want to 'have their cake and eat it'? Is that a crime - if everyone is a fully-functioning adult who knows the score and has agreed to the T&Cs in advance?

Bear in mind the marriage vows we use today - till death do us apart etc - were written in 1543 when most people lived till about 30 and most marriages lasted a decade. Humans beings are not naturally monogamous despite the state trying to convince us that we are.

The type of open marriage that appeals to many isn't even about wanting to shag about with reckless abandon, which seems to horrify so many people.

Though I absolutely accept that life-long monogamy works for some, why is it so difficult for some people to accept that it simply doesn't work for others? There is no right and wrong here. There is life-long monogamy - which has become, in our culture, the societal norm, not because it's 'right'. But there are other ways to live happily ever after.

This article talks about it very eloquently. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jul/23/polyamory-new-way-to-love-men-women-sex-relationships-elf-lyons

Thanks again OP.

Don't think you've answered this yet - how did you raise the subject with your DH? And if he had any objections, how did you work through them?

I've always felt that there's no reason why I couldn't be intimate or fall in love with more than one person, but it's only as I've gotten older that I've become confident enough and known myself well enough to realise this is what I'd prefer. But DH and I are happily married & settled, & the last thing I'd want would be to lose that. Currently I'm thinking that I just have to stick with monogamy and can only consider being poly if we ever split up, but maybe I'm just approaching it the wrong way.

Hi, just wondering how it works time wise? Do you have specific days or evenings that you spend with your other partners?
Or is it a week by week thing?
I know when I was single or just starting to date someone I'd try and see them as often as possible. Does the same happen for you?
I'm fascinated tbh.