I’m in an open marriage AMA

[TigersEyes]

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

I have so many questions..
What was the pressure that led to opening up a previously monogamous marriage? A desire for a specific person or just a generalised desire for more?
Have your family been accepting of it? If you don’t bring partners home why the need to share that info?
Do you worry your partner might leave some day? (I suppose even monogamous marriages have that sort of worry).

I love this, thanks OP!

Do you tell each other details about the sex and is it a turn on?

Married couple enjoy financial and other benefits which are not available to unmarried couples. Eg, inheritance and other tax benefits, pension rights etc.

Also, any children born within a marriage are legally the husband's children.

It may be that pregnancy is not a risk, and it may also be that financial considerations are why the OP is choosing to remain married.

I'm sorry you are getting such a hard time on here OP but from reading posts on here, many posters have an attitude that they are incomplete unless they have a ring on their finger and the aim of many is to 'nab a man'.

I'm struggling a bit with the idea of either of you being in love with another person who loves you in return as opposed to it being a one way thing. I'm not 'in love' with my DH. If he had an affair, I wouldn't be too put out to be perfectly honest. However, if he became emotionally involved to the point of being in love with somebody else, I would feel our family unit was threatened. And the reason I stay with him is because of the family. I like him as a person (most of the time!) but we are (in my eyes) obviously incompatible and our personalities are too different.

Affairs mean a betrayal of trust but if it is out in the open and both people are on the same page, I don't see the issue. I worked in a corporate environment with many people who slept with others on company night outs while citing they were in 'open relationships' which was untrue. Many women knew my male colleagues were married and slept with them anyway. Some women did not want anything other than sex as they were in relationships themselves but some did pursue them for a relationship and a couple of them were quite heartbroken when they realised the men were never going to leave their wives/girlfriends which usually happened when an engagement was announced. Do you state from the outset that you are in a marriage and you are going to stay in the marriage?

On a very superficial level, do you now find yourself looking after your appearance more now you have an active social life? And how do you manage financially when the household is funding two very active social lives? And finally presumably you use websites primarily to find potential boyfriends which makes it much easier but what happens if you are out and approached by somebody? How do you verbalise your lifestyle without making the 'wrong' first impression?

Is the person dh is in love with also polyamourous?

I can understand mabey having sex with others but the emotional part I would struggle with.

A lot of sniffiness here, and the moral outrage that OP hasn't got divorced. Why should she if she and her husband agree on how to run their marriage?

OP, how does it work at Christmas? Do you get agreed time off to see your other partners? What about going on holiday - do you do that with other partners too?

Op, what are the rules?

I read your children are aware of the situation but are they happy with the set up?

Who gets more action, you or your husband?

What would happen if one of you wanted to close the marriage again?

If your DH left you for this woman he's in love with or had a child with her, would you feel obliged to smile serenely and claim to be fine because of the choices you've made? What if that wasn't your real emotional response?

I certainly don't find it abhorrent, but I would understand it more if you had decided to stay together purely for lifestyle, convenience and security, as friends who loved each other.

I don't quite get how one of you can be in love with someone else, but that relationship can go nowhere, because you have to stay together, and how you're still having sex, even though one of you is in love with someone else and not in love with the spouse.

You say you're not competitive, it's the lack of normal human reaction, no jealousy, no competitiveness, wanting no future with someone you're in love with, being in love with that person but still having sex with the person you're not in love with.

I'd get it if it was just shagging around, or I'd get it if you were more just friends, but what you describe has serious emotions involved , he's in love with another woman, and this is where I struggle to understand it.

Rocky road to go down, as where might it all end?
I love my husband and sleeping with other people just isn’t in my rule book of what marriage should be. Also feel sorry that you don’t mind if your DH sleeps around. This indicates there is something wrong in the relationship, perhaps he isn’t giving enough emotionally, or something has been lost between you as a couple? I personally would want to sort this out rather then look externally.

Tigerseyes, did you get married in Church? made vows before God, how do you feel about breaking one of the commandments? I am not judgemental just interested.

How long has the marriage been open and have the terms changed in that time - was the agreement originally that you could have sex outside the marriage but not relationships, for example? Who pushed the changes?

bluntness to be fair to the OP she hasn't set out that her husband is not in love with her, just that he loves someone else too.

Can I just say one thing? What I’m saying is the truth, my truth. I have absolutely no reason to lie about my feelings or situation on an Internet forum. So for those posters who imply that I can’t really be happy etc. there’s not a lot I can do to convince you otherwise. That’s fine, it’s your opinion, but please don’t try to second guess my responses or read something that isn’t there. I really am being as honest as possible.

And the supportive and positive comments have been absolutely lovely to read this morning. I must stress again that I’m not trying to say that my way is the only right way. But it works for my marriage.

That said, I’m just a human, muddling through like everyone else. I can’t predict the future or how I might feel about hypothetical situations. Nor could I when we were monogamous. But I do know that our connection is stronger than ever, we’re the best of friends, we want the best for each other and right now, this is working for us. That could change and we’ll deal with it if it does. What else can we do in life?

@lovesugarfreejelly63, I’m an atheist so it doesn’t apply to me but it’s an interesting question. I have to say that I don’t meet a lot of religious people in my particular polyam community and you’ve really made me think.

How does your MiL feel about this?

@pilates, there are loads and they cover sexual safety, honesty, boundaries, family life and lots more.

And yes, our children are happy. Obviously, we don’t discuss every sexual encounter with them. That would be inappropriate and totally wrong. But nor did we when we were monogamous. They know we date other people though and they know we have relationships. They’re happy kids, truly.

@MarcieBluebell, yes she is poly and has a long term partner who she lives with.

@Milfromhades, she had lots of questions and has said never wants to meet our other partners. But she wants us to be happy so she respects our choices.

@CookPassBabtridge, sometimes we do and yes, sometimes it is!

@ZaphodBeeblerox, it was mainly a desire of wanting something more. We loved each other very much but life had definitely become somewhat stale. And resentment was creeping in. This isn’t the answer for everyone but it works for us.

I really can’t predict the future or how things might go. Right now though, this is what we both want.

@Watchingtheworldgoby, I do take more care over my appearance but I’m also way happier with myself than I have ever been. I’m overweight but I like myself. It’s a relief after waging war with myself for many, many years.

I don’t tend to use dating websites but rather date people I meet at poly orientated events. Or meet through poly friends. If I met someone in a pub or something, and there was an attraction there, I would be completely upfront with who and what I am. I can’t see it happening though.

Hi op
When you say you date people do you mean you go out to places with other people or just have an intimate relationship with them?
I can fully understand being intimate with other people but I think the hard part for me would be dating them or doing things with them that most people reserve for their partner.
I think it's a good thing if you can make your relationship work.
Do you both are other people at the same time or can you to it separately?
I suppose I'm asking is it like swinging where you both go to an event sometime together.

@SchnitzelVonKrumm, I would say that we’re equal on the action front!

As for smiling serenely, no. I wouldn’t be obliged to do that. Nor would he if the roles were reversed. We’re still human.