I’m in an open marriage AMA

[TigersEyes]

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

@Enidblyton1, no. Where did I say that? Genuine question, it was an error if I did.

We all conduct our relationships in different ways, for some people having an open marriage might be a more secure environment for children than having one where the relationship has soured or there are other issues. You shouldnt expect OP to answer every tiny detail about their lives, especially when a lot of the questions seem to be thinly veiled attacks on her. Ask anything but if you're going to be vitriolic and judgmental its not fair to expect her to engage with that. She's not hurting any of you so maybe try and be respectful instead of trashing her decisions.

@ThinkingCat, there definitely has to be a lot of communication and honesty involved. I have definitely turned down potential dates because it just doesn’t work for my situation at the time.

@TigersEyes thank you for taking the time to answer my questions! I may have more in the near future!!

@EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB, elsewhere.

@Jesskiku, thank you for your comment. And for others who have commented in the same vein.

And for all the other comments too. I genuinely think i’m a pretty good person but I also know that i’ve chosen a life which seems abhorrent to others. I do understand that other people have different opinions to me so I try to be open-minded and listen to their viewpoints too.

Do you ever get jealous when your dh goes off on a date?
Do you discuss how your dates went?
Would either of you introduce your other partners to your kids if it was a long term relationship?
Do you worry he’ll leave you if he’s fallen in love with someone else?

No judgement here, (whatever floats your boat!) but I don’t think I could do it personally - I think I’d be horribly jealous and resentful of him and any ow.

Thank you for all your questions. I had better go to sleep now but I do appreciate the time people have taken. It’s been an interesting chat.

marriage is a legal contract. It is, and it is a contract which has faithfulness between spouses, to the exclusion of all others, as a key requirement.

Yes, and in Britain there is still no such thing as a no-fault divorce. The law does not necessarily keep up with the times.

The main point of marriage as a contract is to manage the shared assets and ensure that the spouses are given certain financial and legal benefits (as in the case of a divorce, death, custody, etc.) Non-monogamy is not necessarily incompatible with this, if the spouses agree (as the OP and her husband have).

Some of the posters here are incredibly rude, it's actually quite shocking. The OP. sounds like a perfectly pleasant person and she's simply sharing her own approach to marriage. If you don't approve, that is fine, but why be so nasty?

I hate how judgey and narrow-minded mumsnet can be.

Thank you for this interesting thread, OP. I have no moral objection at all, rather the reverse actually (historically it's only the church that designed what is now considered traditional marriage as a form of control over the illiterate and uneducated populace) and have some questions if you have time:

Is this different to 'swinging' and if so, in what way is it different?

I know you said it was your idea in the first place, and took months of talking it over, but can you explain what made you want to go down this route in the first place?

Also have you ever felt frightened or threatened that it (by that I mean your marriage) might all end in tears?

Absolutely second what @Jesskiku has said. I've been really struggling reading some of the responses to the OP (the ones in the vein that she is self-indulgent, attention-seeking, or that her kids are damaged), and I've been getting more and more worked up and wishing I could find the right words to express how I feel. Jesskiku has done a sterling job, but I'll add my 2p anyway. I'm not in a polyam-r-ship myself and personally I don't want to be in one, so I'm not coming from that viewpoint. But OP I have huge respect for what you're doing. I think you come across as one of the most honest, least attention-seeking and wisest people on this site. This is just imho, but the sense I'm getting from your answers and especially your refusal to be riled by some of the negative comments on here is that you've decided what your needs are, and what your DH's needs are, and have set about fulfilling those with what appears to be absolute honesty, dignity, kindness and generosity of spirit. There are so many different ways to make connections with other humans...I have (non-sexual) connections with a lot of really diverse people which keep my spirit and my intellect nourished. And I don't see you doing anything fundamentally different to that, but just in a different way. You strike me as a really good person, and if your parenting is anything like your dignity on this AMA, then your kids are really lucky to have you.

Isn't it (as someone else in her 40s) just a more polite way of saying you're shagging around? That's what most people would call it, just that neither of you appears to mind?

Thanks for answering Tigers, I find it all really intriguing.

Was your first 'time' with someone else ridiculously exciting? Or was it strange and full of guilt (I just imagine although it's technically agreed and ok, guilt would be there?) if the latter how long until it became exciting?

Do you think it's possible your husband may leave you for the other woman he is in love with?

I'm another who thinks some of the comments on this thread are appallingly rude.

Good on you, OP. Don't take this sniping to heart.

Mn is the home of smug marrieds
If you maintain independent monies and don’t have family money it’s a sure sign of being uncommitted.according to mn

I can't understand at all the people who suggest that just because both people in a marriage agree on chooseing not to be monogamous anymore, that the best thing would be to divorce.

OP & her DH meant their wedding vows when they took them, but their marriage has evolved organically; that doesn't mean they should divorce if they are both happy with their arrangements & want to stay married.

There's been some absolute non-sensical, illogical shite posted on this thread!

I’ve read through but I still don’t see the point in being married.
Seems more like you were together for a long time, couldn’t be bothered with the hassle of divorce so replaced broken marriage with open marriage

Greenyogagirl I don't understand your stance on this.

Why would someone give up a happy life with husband and best friend to be alone and polyamorous, when they can be polyamorous while still living a happy life with their husband and best friend?

That's how I see it, anyway. Sounds to me like it could be very emotionally fulfilling. I also kind of understand how it could be enriching to witness my loved one in the throes of a new loving relationship. It's all about love and trust, I think.

If it works that’s great, I just don’t understand it, I’ve been married and divorced and although I would love to see my best friend in the throes of a new relationship it would kill me to see my partner in that situation. I’m friends with a couple of ex’s and I’m happy for them and their new partners etc but that’s because I’m not with them and don’t want to be.

Do you ever worry that your husband will change? That he’ll want to be monogamous with the woman he’s in love with for example?

Do you have better sex with your husband or have other partners been better lovers?

Oh and OP you know what it wouldn’t be for me but at least you’re honest with each other. It’s better than people who shag about behind partners’ backs!