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AMA
Original poster

I’m in an open marriage AMA

375 replies

TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 22:22

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:04

Obviously, we are extremely careful around how we handle it with the children. But basically, we’re bringing them up to know that monogamy isn’t the only way. They are our absolute priority in life, as with most parents. We answer their questions with age-appropriate honesty.

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Fuckedoffat48b · 04/08/2018 23:05

ThinkingCat that was my question really. I find the hierarchical nature of 'polyamorous' relationships where a couple are actually married leaves a nasty taste. I don't think it is as progressive as the 'poly' community make out and is an under-analysed aspect of this phenomenon.

It almost suggests that the only moral issue with an affair is the level of honesty expressed to the people involved. Whereas actually, as many of the threads from 'other women' show, a big issue with many affairs is the power imbalance of one half benefiting from the benefits of marriage/long-term partnerships, while the other half doesn't and doesn't get any say in the matter. Now or ever.

Shambu · 04/08/2018 23:05

If he's in love with someone else what's the point of being with you?

Original poster
TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:08

@Iputthescrewinthetuna, I’m actually really happy that my DH is in love. I can’t provide everything he needs and his other relationship gives him so much happiness. I think it’s impossible for me to say how I would feel if she got pregnant. I don’t mean to be cagey, but I really don’t know.

Yes, we regularly get tested for STIs.

I’m currently dating two people.

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Obiey · 04/08/2018 23:10

Tiger don't forget on mumsnet half of the posters think just fancying someone else is the same as cheating. No one will be able to fathom how something like this could bring you closer. I imagine it requires a degree of honesty and communication many relationships lack.

BlackForestCake · 04/08/2018 23:10

How do you find the time?

Original poster
TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:12

Can I just reiterate that I am absolutely not saying that I’m enlightened or cool or better in any way than monogamous people? This just works for us and I thought it might be of interest to some MNetters.

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thegreatbeyond · 04/08/2018 23:13

How do you justify the poor example and insecurity this must bring to your children?

Original poster
TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:13

@blackforestcake, I just really limit my time on mumsnet.

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flapjackfairy · 04/08/2018 23:13

Personally I think it is v damaging to children to be exposed to this lifestyle choice. Do you have any concerns about that and if you prioritise them above all else why even risk screwing them up ?
Not having a go. I am just interested in your thought process on this in regards to your kids

Original poster
TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:14

@thegreatbeyond, justify to who? To you? Because I promise my children are ok.

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Seeingadistance · 04/08/2018 23:15

Marriage is all about monogamy though, so would it not be more honest and straightforward to divorce and then continue to see each other, or not, along with other partners?

Your remaining married does create a power imbalance in terms of your other relationships, and does very much seem like "having your cake and eating it".

tedx · 04/08/2018 23:16

How old are your children?

Original poster
TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:16

@flapjackfairy, my children are without doubt my number one concern. And it only takes reading a few threads on here to see how children are screwed up in many, many ways by their parents. Of course I don’t want to hurt them, I’m
not a monster.

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Original poster
TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:17

@tedx, May I ask why you ask?

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greendale17 · 04/08/2018 23:18

An open marriage is a joke.

Bluntness100 · 04/08/2018 23:19

In all honesty, knowing your husband is in love with another woman, and not in love with you, how does this make you feel?

My second question is this really just a case of you both fell out of love, but didn't want to lose your lifestyle and security, so chose to stay together for lifestyle and security, but in reality both have checked out of the romantic relationship and now act as single people?

My final question is do you still have sex with each other?

keyboardjellyfish · 04/08/2018 23:19

I'm also polyam, currently trying to conceive as a single parent by choice. I have romantic relationships with three different people right now.
My question is, how do you find the time/fit it all in with a kid in the mix?

Original poster
TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:19

@Seeingadistance, I am definitely having my cake and eating it, that’s the point. Genuinely, who do you think i’m being dishonest towards? And why would getting divorced be an improvement? I’m not having a dig, i’m really curious.

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FelicityFoxworth · 04/08/2018 23:20

I think you can bring your children up with the knowledge that people live different lives without actually telling them that mum and dad are both dating or in love with other people. Do you honestly think you are doing the right thing by telling them? Why would you need to? What do they see? Your other partners in their home? I'm trying to say all of that in an AMA way incidentally

DistanceCall · 04/08/2018 23:21

Marriage is all about monogamy though

Marriage is a legal contract. These people find that non-monogamous relationships work for them and their family while maintaining their legal contract. The OP is not trying to push this on anyone.

Why on earth is it so hard to understand?

NordicNobody · 04/08/2018 23:21

How old are you both and how old are your children?

How long had you been married before deciding to open your marriage?

When you've been in love before, did you ever want to just be with them? Did they love you back? Did you feel sad you couldn't have a future together, or was it more detached than that? Why did the relationships where you were in love end and did you feel sad or were you already resigned to it ending some day? Did your husband comfort you if you were sad about it or did you feel you had to hide/ minimise/ cut short your sadness to spare his feelings? Do you think you would ever take a second partner long term/ for life? What has been your longest relationship in your open marriage?

Sorry for so many questions!

Original poster
TigersEyes · 04/08/2018 23:22

@bluntness100, there’s no way I can prove on here how close we are. I’m genuinely really happy that he’s in love. She’s wonderful and makes him very happy. As do I! And our sex life is great, i’m happy to say. I think it would be more difficult for us both if it wasn’t.

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FelicityFoxworth · 04/08/2018 23:22

And I think I'd get this more if it was all about the shagging. I still am a bit WTF but I get it. That nice little fuzzy feeling at some new sex (please god my husband never reads this Grin) - but you say your husband has fallen in love with someone? How does that work? Will he fall out of love? What happens if he doesn't

tedx · 04/08/2018 23:24

I'm wondering how you would explain it. If they're young, they're still learning about relationships. For eg I recently had a conversation with my kids (7,6) and they were shocked about divorce and how sometimes parents don't live together!

Not being judgey or anything. Just an honest question.