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Original poster

Giving up £60k job that I love to be SAHM

382 replies

Moomo · 07/07/2010 10:23

After a lot A LOT of thinking I have pretty much decided not to go back to work and to be a SAHM - at least for a couple of years. But am giving up a £60k job that I really enjoyed to do so. DH earns £30k so it will be a massive drop in our income but I just can't face going back to work and leaving DS in childcare.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done the same thing and whether friends/family etc have been supportive as most people I tell think I am totally crazy and try and convince me not to do it. I'm not so worried about my career but a bit worried about the loss of income - we can still pay mortgage, bills etc but will be alot less luxuries/no saving/pension etc.

Would be really interested to know if anyone else has done the same/similar thing and how it worked out. I'm pretty confident of my decision but when everyone around me tells me I'm crazy I have moments of self doubt!

OP posts:
IHeartJohnLewis · 09/07/2010 21:33

Ooh, I write a post, and six more pop up.

Emkana, thank you. I think that people sometimes wilfully misinterpret things on MN.

violethill · 09/07/2010 21:35

In all honesty, the only SAHMs I have ever known who spout the sort of view that IHJL does, are either:
a) resentful of mums who have a career and whose children are equally happy/clever/well adjusted
b) never had much in the way of a career or interesting job in the first place - therefore staying home is preferable to working in a shit boring job, so there's no real choice to be made
c) have low self esteem
d) need to convince themselves that staying home and giving up work will somehow have some payback by making their children 'better'

I am not saying that most SAHMs are like this, because they aren't. Most are content with their situation. It's the ones who aren't who feel the need to criticise and judge others.

emkana · 09/07/2010 21:37

Nobody was accused of not being a "proper mother", the dispute is just over how you define "primary caregiver". This is what Wikipedia has to say

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primary_caregiver

violethill · 09/07/2010 21:39

That would be the parents then emakana - certainly in every case I know (which includes working and non working parents)

PotPourri · 09/07/2010 21:50

i went back to work thinking i would leaveaftera few months. I couldnt handle the daycare idea so moved 'home' so my parents could look after dd. It was really hard the first 2 months, I missed dd desperately. BUT, I had it all wrong.b It all fell throiugh with my parents, and i had left my really supportivr friends. I found a childminder who is now like family to us all, and i really enjoyed work. ASnd the most important thing, dh lost his very secure job in the recession - thsnk god i krpt working.

Think very carefully - how about flexible working (i do full time hours in 4 days), or give yourself 3 months back at work before deciding. btw, most employersd require you to pay back your mst pay (above statutory) if you don't go back.

IHeartJohnLewis · 09/07/2010 21:52

This is turning into a bit of an 'angels on the head of a pin' type discussion - but a parent who's at work for 47 weeks of the year from 7am-6pm every day cannot possibly be "the person who takes care of an infant or child most of the time". It is, obviously, the person who loves, cherishes, and adores the infant or child all the time. But it just isn't the person who takes care of them. This isn't a criticism, although you are intent on interpreting it as such.

Emkana, thanks again.

Violethill, I don't fall into any of your categories. I have a child with SN, which makes me not working an absolute must for us. But I personally wanted to be at home with them long before I knew my first one had SN.

I wouldn't describe academia as 'shit boring' (as you so poetically put it). That's the very last thing it was. I don't think that professorships at one of the best renowned universities in the world is 'not much in the way of a career', either. I still hated it, but that's because I wanted to be at home, not because the job per se was bad.

The other points are just irrelevant.

I do wonder why you bring 'clever' into it. Do you really think anyone has said that the children of SAHMs are more clever than those of WOHMs? If so, you are reading a different thread from the one I am reading.

violethill · 09/07/2010 21:56

I would question why you did a job you hated then IHJL. How odd. I wouldn't, and I hope my children wouldn't aspire to doing that either.

Who are these parents who are at work from 7 am to 6 pm seven days a week then?

"at work for 47 weeks of the year from 7am-6pm every day ?"

Just intrigued, because I'm a working parent and I don't know any

LadyBiscuit · 09/07/2010 22:00

So if you're not resentful/bored/jealous/another negative emotion and are totally happy with your choice, why do you attack women who choose to work? There's a bit of a disconnect there

violethill · 09/07/2010 22:02

You also say that you'hated' your job, which rings alarm bells for me... you are clearly the sort of person who remains in a situation you're not happy with, which is perhaps not the optimum way to raise children......
I agree with LadyBiscuit - why do you need to obsess about how other people live their lives?

emkana · 09/07/2010 22:05

From where I'm standing it's not IHJL who has done the attacking. You perceive things to be an attack which are merely observations and opinions.

IHeartJohnLewis · 09/07/2010 22:06

Oh, I think I am tired of life now. LadyB, I am not attacking women who choose to work. I think small children are in general better off at home with a parent, but not if the parent would rather be elsewhere. If I needed or wanted to work, I'd choose a nanny because I believe children need care in a domestic environment from a loved, loving and trusted individual who will do all the routine stuff with them (like take them to the shops and let them help with the washing). If I had to work and couldn't afford a nanny, I'd find a CM. I've seen and known countless superb CMs. I wouldn't send a child to a nursery for long hours under any circumstances.

What are you on about, violethill? I hated my job because it stopped me from being with the children. And even if I had hated it per se, lots of people do jobs they hate, just to pay mortgages and food bills. Your children may one day be among them, as mine may too.

I know many parents who work from 7am - 6pm. I do use private schools, remember.

violethill · 09/07/2010 22:07

Anyone who 'hates' their job is going to have a very biased view on the matter anyway.... as being unemployed is no doubt preferable to being in a job you hate. I know a few people who are SAHMs for the same reason - they never, ever liked their job at all - therefore, not working was the preferable option. It didn't even have anything directly to do with parenting - they admitted they would have preferred to stay home anyway, even without children!

violethill · 09/07/2010 22:09

You said you hated your job IHJL.

I think you are rapidly back pedalling now and trying to convince us it was wonderful and you only didn't like it because it stopped you being with your children!! Some very contradictory posts!!

IHeartJohnLewis · 09/07/2010 22:09

Cross posts. This is getting weirder and weirder. When did I obsess about how other people live their lives? You, violethill, are overly interested in my feelings about a job I left nearly 10 years ago. Plus I gave up the pesky job after one year - so in what way did I stay in a situation that I was unhappy with? This is so very odd.

Emkana, if it weren't for your posts, I'd think I was actually going bananas.

violethill · 09/07/2010 22:10

You know a lot of parent who work 7 am to 6 pm seven days a week I also know private school parents, and none of them do that!

IHeartJohnLewis · 09/07/2010 22:11

It wasn't wonderful. It was pretty rotten for a whole variety of reasons, and having children made me detest every single second of it for taking me away from them (or him, as I left when I only had one). As I say, I had my job for a year. It felt like 20. If you have ever worked with academics, you will know why.

Still, looking after one son with AS is easier than working with 20 men, all with AS.

IHeartJohnLewis · 09/07/2010 22:12

Yes, I know private school parents who don't work that way too. Believe it or not, there are all kinds of parents at private schools!

funnysinthegarden · 09/07/2010 22:13

so.... how did this lovely thread about working mothers deciding whether or not to work descend into the same old nonsense about working mother being evil bitches? Pray Tell

IHeartJohnLewis · 09/07/2010 22:13

Sorry for third post... but I think, violethill, that you are just determined to misinterpret and misread everything I write. I have no idea why.

IHeartJohnLewis · 09/07/2010 22:14

And a fourth (then I'll shut up): funny, it's the SAHMs who are the evil bitches. Or, rather, it's just me. Apparently.

violethill · 09/07/2010 22:15

You really know that many parents working those hours every day? What jobs do they do?

CristinaTheAstonishing · 09/07/2010 22:23

Being in a job you hate or having a child with severe SN takes away many of your choices. Then you try and make the best of what you have and convince yourself it's for the better. That's OK. But try and remember how life was like before this.

emkana · 09/07/2010 22:25

I think it's very very patronizing and irritating to imply that you must be deluded and/or disappointed by life to prefer SAHMdom to the life of a WOHM. Really really gets my goat.

IHeartJohnLewis · 09/07/2010 22:27

Good lord, why the interrogation?

If it really matters to you, the ones who come to mind are:

accountants
barristers
run own businesses
board of directors (retail)
paediatricians
NHS managers
academics (a moot point: they don't work a normal pattern, but their children are in nursery for very long and very predictable hours).
fund managers

Will that do for starters?

Cristina: ? I gave up work when I had the choice (before I knew my son had SN). Not going back would always have been my choice, SN or no SN.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 09/07/2010 22:29

Emkana - I can understand why. Which is why perhaps we ought to be more sensitive of each others feelings. When you're at work you learn to hold back a bit.

And run!