Giving up £60k job that I love to be SAHM

[Moomo]

After a lot A LOT of thinking I have pretty much decided not to go back to work and to be a SAHM - at least for a couple of years. But am giving up a £60k job that I really enjoyed to do so. DH earns £30k so it will be a massive drop in our income but I just can't face going back to work and leaving DS in childcare.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done the same thing and whether friends/family etc have been supportive as most people I tell think I am totally crazy and try and convince me not to do it. I'm not so worried about my career but a bit worried about the loss of income - we can still pay mortgage, bills etc but will be alot less luxuries/no saving/pension etc.

Would be really interested to know if anyone else has done the same/similar thing and how it worked out. I'm pretty confident of my decision but when everyone around me tells me I'm crazy I have moments of self doubt!

Hang on hasn't said she is miserable at home, rather is glad and feels lucky. Also hasn't derided all childcare just ft nursery and the primary childcare thing is just being at odds over a definition.

Unless I've missed some posts there seems to be a lot of embellishing and misunderstanding.

Well yes in principle emkana but IHJL has just shared that in fact she hated her job, so surely that POV is coloured? As of course is mine, because I love my job.

Not as much as my children, I hasten to add ...

IHJL - a very limited choice if you didn't like the job. How could you go back then if you didn't want to? How could you go in, day in, day out, for one whole year if that's how you felt? Not nice, is it, to be questioned on very personal things.

I meant ihjl hadn't said etc

But what does it matter if some don't like work because it takes them away from their children. Not sure why people are clutching to this.

Marsha - you can't have read whole thread then!

Yes there might be something else that I missed, iPod is small and a scrolling nightmare

I don't have a problem with SAHMs. To be able to choose to be a SAHM if you want to is a very fortunate position I'm sure we all agree. But the vitriol aimed at women on MN who don't have to work but choose to never ceases to amaze and disappoint me.

There are never any threads on here which start off from the premise that all SAHMs are lazy/feckless/dull/uninspiring. But there are countless threads started by SAHMs or posting on others attacking working women.

It's so wrong and divisive and frankly unsisterly.

It's all perception though LadyBiscuit. To me as a SAHM it feels like the WOHM's make up the majority on MN and that there are quite a few posts (if not threads) which accuse SAHM's of exactly that.

I agree though that any attacks from either side are unsisterly and unnecessary, we should support each other in our choices. Fwiw, I believe firmly that children of WOHM's can be just as balanced/happy etc as children of SAHM's, and that some SAHM's can be terrible mothers.

"we should support each other in our choices. Fwiw, I believe firmly that children of WOHM's can be just as balanced/happy etc as children of SAHM's, and that some SAHM's can be terrible mothers."

Could we just have this as a banner at the top of all MN pages and be done with this.

FWIW I have never read a post that says "children raised by SAHMs are worse off" but frequently read how awful it must be for young children in nursery, usually written by someone who has no experience of using a nursery, or no respect for the fact that they are denigrating the choice of thousands of women. Perhaps such posters should think hard about how to express their opinions without implying that other parents are damaging their babies.

Marsha, exactly.

Cristina, I haven't remotely questioned any one individual on here about personal things. The only person who has gone in for personal questions is VioletHill, whose interest in my life and specific circumstances is positively odd.

Maybe we should just agree with Emkana's sensible comment and leave it at that, as I can't see this discussion going anywhere sensible (plus I am fed up with being personally attacked).

IHJL - the reason I asked about the jobs was because I find it hard to believe that all people in those jobs work 11 hour days seven days a week. And actually looking at your list, I know a number of people in those exat jobs who don't work the hours you describe - they have weekends off for a start. Your earlier post said '7 am to 6 pm every day'.
Of course, no doubt you'll backpedal again now, and say that actually, no, you don't mean every day. I'm also rather intrigued as to what job your partner/husband does which pays the mortgaage/food/all the bill plus all the extras which private school costs (because even with a scholarship, the costs are higher than most maintained schools). Let's hope he doesn't mind being denigrated by working to support his family.

Actually, take that as a rhetorical question - you don't need to answer, because I really am not that interested. What clemette says is absolutely true - you don't see these constant attacks saying how awful for children who have non working parent, but it seems fair game to snipe at people who supplement the parental primary care with other forms of care.

Anyway, I have never come across a situation on MN where any working mum is not the primary carer for her child, so this is all a bit rhetorical!!

Perhaps IHJL ought to be directing her venom at those private school parents she knows who work 11 hours a day, and whose children are presumably unhappy and dysfunctional! Or perhaps she knows that if she did that in real life, they'd tell her to f* off and mind her own business

I have read this thread and I was cross at the implications that I'm not the primary carer but I'm not going to stray into SAHM bashing (I am a WOHM), and my son goes to nursery 3 days per week and 2 days with GP. However, I would just like to say that SAHM doesn't equal a better parent.
My child is socialised, polite, able to mix week, enjoys numerous activities and has lots of friends which I'm sure he would have if he was at home with me all day. Can all SAHm mothers say the same about their children?

Personal opinion but my son is happy and I want him to have opportunities and choices when he's older so if he's not 'phenomenally bright' I can get the best education for him possible.
He's happy at the moment and so am I.

Excellent post Tootles.

It seems to me that the situation is:
IHJL was very unhappy working, but is now happy being the primary carer at home.
A lot of other women are happy in their work life and also happy being the primary carer, supplementing this with other forms of care.

That seems to sum it up.

So what is IHJL's issue? She's happy, we're happy.... why the need to try to put down other people's choices...?

I'm disappointed (not angry, just disappointed) that this thread has turned out this way, as it started out as a very balanced discussion of the pros and cons of returning to work.

FWIW, actually nearly all of the WOHM recommended trying to work part time, take career breaks, arrange for partner to be at home so to get an effective balance which suits everyone in the family.

Nobody so far has said, yes get back to work, you're well rid of the little horrors.

FWIW, I actually think I was a far better mother when I worked 3 days a week. Since having DS2 and being at home again DS1 gets far less attention from me and, on the whole I am more tired, impatient etc. I spend so much time trying to keep on top of the housework (back to my cleaner fixation I'm afraid) that we don't do nearly the amount of 'fun things' that we used to do - I just don't have the time.

Obviously this is all my fault but maybe I was being a selfish mother having a second child. If I had really wanted to be a 'proper' mother to DS1 I should have have surpressed what I wanted for his greater happiness.

Preciesly, violethill. You accused me of being bitter and jealous because I enjoy being at home with my children. If you'd said in the first place that we're all happy with our choices, none of this would have arisen. Or are you the one who's actually backtracking?

Your degree of interest in my life is, as I said, positively odd - though you are backtracking on that, too.

Please tell me where the additional costs are at private schools when you have a full scholarship. Though, yes, we pay for our other child in full. How we do that is nothing to do with this discussion.

So you know parents with all those jobs who don't work from 7am -6pm. I know parents with those jobs who don't work those hours. I also know parents with those jobs who do. What's your point?

FWIW, I'd ideally have liked local GPs to give the children a change of scenery once a week. But who lives in an ideal world?

To come back to you 'attacks on WOHMs' point, I think it's quite clear to anyone who's not got in a tizz about this whole issue that I am the only one who has been personally attacked on this thread. I have given my opinion, and I've said that it's just my opinion. I haven't attacked you or any other WOHM. If you think I have, it really is your problem.

I agree fruitstick - shame the thread degenerated. FWIW, I think IHJL has been misinterpreted and attacked for opinions she hasn't expressed. Even though I work 3 days a week myself, I share her misgivings about very young children spending long hours in nursery and wouldn't choose that route myself (though I'm not judging others who do, by either choice or necessity). As a solicitor, if my DS was in nursery, he would be there the kind of hours IHJL is talking about - from about 7.45 to 6pm.

I don't think the polarisation between SAHM and WOHM is helpful - as fruitsticks points out, most of the WOHM have suggested the OP investigate PT or flexible working as a good compromise in any event.

Iheart, I disagree as you're unhelpful comments re primary carer is just nonsense. Just because people work doesn't meant they don't do the mundane things with their children, we do.

My final point as I can't see the merit in continuing the thread is, you don't have experience of all the different types of nurseries that there are and therefore cannot judge the quality of care or whether they treat or children good, bad or indifferent. Nannies are not necessarily better.

ihjl. Not sure why you are getting so het up. You think it's better in an ideal world for the mum to stay at home. Fine. Others agree. Others disagree. Others agree but don't have the luxury of choice.

Going on about working mums not being primary carers may well in your eyes be semantically correct. But even the most pedantic person who steps back would concede that the expression and it's implied (perhaps wrongly) meaning is offensive.

Bully for you that you are so happy with your situation. Lots of us are content with our lot. Others would understandably prefer not to have salt rubbed in.

There is indeed a query about whether the lady does protest too much.

I haven't read all the posts on here, but wanted to let the OP know I have done it - at the time on exactly the salaries you mention.

Before DS was born DH and I planned to both work 4 days a week with DS in childcare of some sort for three days a week. However by the time he was 6 months and it was time for me to go back to work, we'd both changed our minds. I went back to work FT and DH looked after DS full time. No judgment on childcare, it just wasn't for us. Not long after I was diagnosed with PND and was off work for a number of months.

Long story short, after far too much therapy (!), I realised that despite the official diagnosis, it wasn't so much PND as an early mid life crisis. I was 31, had worked my arse off for years and found it bloody hard to come to terms with the fact I didn't want to work anymore. Not in a stressful office environment anyway. Long story short, I negotiated voluntary redundancy.

DH, DS and I moved to NZ and DH has re-trained to be a chimney sweep (previously in accounts). Life is so different you wouldn't believe, but we are incredibly happy, albeit poor. However growing your own veg, mountain biking, snowboarding (we live near a mountain), camping, swimming, surfing, etc are not particularly expensive compared to parking permits and the congestion charge in London!

Warning: The thing I found hardest was dropping the identity and false prestige my job gave me. It may have all be false, but it was often comforting IYKWIM.

I doubt I will ever go back to a similar career, although I intend to start a business or two of my own in the next few years. What has been amazingly refreshing to me is finally realising that you can do whatever you want, I never really believed it for myself, hence good girl at school - onto Uni - onto good job in the city, I followed the exact path I was meant to.... The past few years have felt so exhilerating, because I am doing what is right for me, not what is 'sensible'.

I've waffled. Just wanted to let you know it can be done. Good luck with whatever you choose and congratulations on your DS.

PotPourri, if you read the whole thread carefully, you will see that I'm het up about violethill's and ladybiscuit's personal attacks and intrusive, aggressive interrogations, not about other people's choices. One of my main points was that it's a pity that society is slanted in such a way that some people have no choice but to work, and that this lack of choice makes them miserable.

'Primary carer' is semantics. Therefore it really shouldn't offend anyone. My DH isn't my children's primary carer; it doesn't mean they're less bonded to him than they are to me. But we've been there already.

I think Emkana said it best.

good for you PenguinNZ!

'Primary carer' is such a joyless, bureaucratic-sounding word anyway I don't think I want it working or not.

I think the comment that got others backs up in the first place was (cant be bothered to scroll back for the correct wording) something like 'same goes for 8-6 in nursery 5 days a week.. what a thought!'

It was emotive and scathing and I think that is why people went down the route of defending their right to work etc

IHJL, you have been more understanding in your more recent posts but it seemed for a while like back tracking.

Hi

I was the main earner until I also chose to give up my job to be a SAHM. Like you I didn't want to leave DS in nursery or with a childminder. I don't have anything against them it's just I thought it should be either myself or DH who brings up our children. Even though as I see friends letting nursery lead on potty training etc. I do wonder if I've actually got the harder job now!

I was lucky that there wasn't such a huge discrepancy between my income and DH's (40 to his 35 K) and I was offered voluntary redundancy the week my maternity pay ended which after over 10 years a the same employer and a really good package has somewhat softened the blow. However, even with our mortgage being relatively small because we bought our house some years ago we have had to make changes to our lifestyle and attitudes to spending money. My son has nowhere near as much "stuff" as some of my friends children who work, but he has something else - my time and plenty of it! It hasn't always been easy and sometimes I have missed the challenges of work but now when I speak to ex-colleagues I'm truly glad I'm no longer there.

Just remember whatever you choose there will be times when you think you regret the choice you made but then you'll have a wonderful day and be so glad you took a risk to change your life. After all the workplace will still be there in a few years time but you can never get back time you've missed with a child.

Good luck!