Giving up £60k job that I love to be SAHM

[Moomo]

After a lot A LOT of thinking I have pretty much decided not to go back to work and to be a SAHM - at least for a couple of years. But am giving up a £60k job that I really enjoyed to do so. DH earns £30k so it will be a massive drop in our income but I just can't face going back to work and leaving DS in childcare.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done the same thing and whether friends/family etc have been supportive as most people I tell think I am totally crazy and try and convince me not to do it. I'm not so worried about my career but a bit worried about the loss of income - we can still pay mortgage, bills etc but will be alot less luxuries/no saving/pension etc.

Would be really interested to know if anyone else has done the same/similar thing and how it worked out. I'm pretty confident of my decision but when everyone around me tells me I'm crazy I have moments of self doubt!

Fair enough, living.

As for building a second career from scratch, are you intending to be self-employed? It is pretty difficult to get a company to hire you for an entry-level career-type job if you are over 40, unless it is minimum wage. Even with age-discrimination laws.

Agree Blueshoes - and its even harder when you're over 50 !

Yes blueshoes, perhaps I am cheating at the SAHM thing because I am planning to retrain and use a few transferable skills so I can work around the DC's later doing something I will probably enjoy more than I did before. I have a number of ideas. I have always worked so it is difficult to change that mind set...I still think in terms of objectives and performance targets at home (perhaps I am a little nuts and have spent too many years managing KPI's) but they keep me focused.

Ragwort .

FWIW, I feel that it is very unfair the employment market is structured such that it is so difficult for older jobseekers to retrain/go into entry-level positions (not even asking for positions commensurate with previous outdated experience).

I must imagine a lot of people get laid off in their 40s and 50s in declining industries and have 10-30 more years of working life ahead of them but find it so difficult to re-invent themselves, even in an ageing population.

Living, I am a former project manager so understand what you are talking about . I still do lots of lists and tick them off as I go along. Wish the (children) project wasn't so intransigent to being managed though.

Hats off to you to have carved out an identity for yourself. It cannot be easy to have lost your job. It is great you are realistic and nurturing your ideas. I wish you all the best.

I agree blueshoes - but I guess at the end of the day we have to accept the reality. I am trying to teach my teenage children about the realities of working life, which for them will probably mean working to age 70 or beyond. I am also trying to instil in them the sense that working life can be fun and fulfilling - I would hate them to grow up thinking that work = boredom and paying bills. Realistically, for most people, working is a necessary part of life, and most importantly, it brings choice and control. Anyone living long term unemployed has very little control and choice about where to live, their housing, how to spend their money etc. I think realising that working life can be exciting and interesting is one of the most valuable lessons children can learn.

Violethill - you finally said it:
working = good, anything else = bad.

Er - no, read what I actually wrote.
I think it's valuable to educate children to cope with the reality they will live in.
If you want to write a post saying something totally different, at least have the good manners to attach your name to it, not someone else's.

regarding the OP - I say it's entirely up to you, money isn't everything in life. yes it helps you buy luxuries but you can easily live off 30K plus you also have CTC and WTC depending on your situation to help you in order to be a SAHM. It's not all doom and gloom.

I gave up a career and have never looked back since being a SAHM. I'd realised I'd more likely regret not being around at home than carrying on with my career.

What, no-one else is allowed to mischieviously mis-interpret other peoples posts?

I'm interested to know, do you meant that if you are a SAHM that you are living long term unemployed violehill?

It's a team effort at our house so I have lots of choice about where to live (I chose our current house) or expenditure (I control the household budget)...the payback is that DP can focus 100% on building his career (after it took a nasty knock in the recession), I am happy to support him because I know how fantastic it can be to have a great career and I want him to be able to experience that too, the financial side if it works out is an added bonus but not my primary concern. Just to add, he is not under the thumb here, we make choices together!

I will be teaching my children the same values about work?I started working part time at 13 and loved it, as I understand it children are not allowed by law to do that to the same level so one of the reasons to work for myself is so that the DC's can help run the business as soon as they are capable?(not to take away their childhood or for cheap labour or sweatshop but to give them the opportunity that I enjoyed myself)

Er nope, Livingbytheriver, I didn;t say that either.... I guess if you stop working after a few years and never work again, then yes, technically you could describe that as long term unemployed because that's what it is, but very few people would want that or indeed be able to afford it. My post was simply saying that one of the most valuable things we can teach our children is to have aspirations and realise that work can be interesting and enjoyable as well as necessary. I hope my children aim for interesting work lives because, realistically, they are likely to be working for a big chunk of their lives. And also, the better qualified and trained they are, the more chance they have to make choices whether that choice is to work full time, part time, or indeed take a bit of time out at some point. I am glad of my professional training, because it enabled me to reach a point in my career where i could work part time when I wanted to, and then return to full time without having had to slide back down the career ladder. If I had never done anything other than minimum wage grindingly dull work, I would never have been able to afford the option of childcare, and would probably have not had the incentive to return to work either. I am simply saying that raising our children to have choices is a good thing

I do sometimes wonder if I wish I could be more relaxed about the whole financial independance thing. I mean what livingbytheriver says about life and having equal say to her husband sounds like a great place to be. But all I can think is that if he (generally speaking livingbytheriver, not picking on your DH) decided to up and leave one day, those joint decisions and joint income are his and only his (apart from the measly 10% or whatever it is you'd maybe get)

I worry about that, alot. Lucky for me I love my career and wouldnt have wanted to stay home with the children anyway. But I do think I'd still need my own income regardless... just in case.

Thats why i am when people say 'I dont have to work, because to me, if I want security I will always have to work no matter what my DH earned.

Those are my issues though I suppose. Ive just seen too many disappointed women who thought when they got married and had babies they wouldnt have to work again and have ended up having to do meanial (sp) jobs when in their 40s when theyre not used to working at all.

And to the person who said about coping on 30k because there are WTC and CTC - I dont think you et this over 30k income anymore and even if you do I dont think it should be relied on in these times!

oops should say 'I dont haveto work'

.. if anyone cares

violethill if my DH and I were on minimum wage then we could afford childcare - but once you're over a certain limit, childcare costs can force many educated women out of the workforce - just wanted to point out that being career -oriented doesn't guarantee that you can keep working (hello, nice to meet you).

I wish someone had sat me down and said "look, you might want to consider how to balance a career with other choices like having a family". I have had huge self-esteem issues about giving up work which needed to be done (husband travels a lot for his job and loves it and makes more money than me, I worked in a job that required travel and was very difficult to do part time) and I wish I hadn't been raised to feel like being a success was so important.

I don't disagree with violethill's "one of the most valuable things we can teach our children is to have aspirations and realise that work can be interesting and enjoyable as well as necessary." but I would definitely add "equally valuable is the realization that other things than work matter just as much; relationships, hobbies, and the wider choices we make in our lives".

Go for it! I had a job I loved and after the birth of my 1st DD returned part time after 6 mths but was then made redundant and decided it was a blessing in disguise and instead of finding new job to take opportunity to be a SAHM. It is the best decision I have ever made.

I agree with elvisgirl comment re. deathbed and I did not want to be in a position where I regretted not spending enough time with my family. I really felt that being made redundant was a second chance to make the right decision.

How much you earn shouldn't make a difference, whether it's £30k or £60k, it's all relative. Of course there are many who have to return to work because they can't afford not to, but if you have worked out that you can afford it then money shouldn't be an deciding factor. Yes you may have to sacrifice certain things but then you just have to be creative. It is a greater sacrifice not being with your children.

I enjoyed my job but it was also incredibly hard work and even when I returned for a while part time I found I couldn't switch off easily and often catching up on emails in the evening. I really feel that these early years are SO special that I wanted to enjoy it fully. I might no longer be responsible for leading a team and managing budgets but instead am doing something far more important and that is to help prepare my 2 little girls for the life ahead of them.

abdnhiker - totally agree with that first point.

It's one of the great anomalies that if you earn very very little, you'll get a massive chunk of your childcare paid for you, thus enabling you to work, and if you earn a very high income, then you will be able to afford childcare fairly easily, but if you earn a reasonable amount, you can be stuffed good and proper. It's a very unfair system, as statistically you are going to have a mass of people on those incomes which fall in the middle, and often they are people who are well qualified, and trained for a specialised job, and want to work.

Violethill;

I really like your posts, esp the ones about teaching our children to enjoy their jobs etc as they'll in in them for years ...(although some people happily switch careers 3 or 4 times in their working life.....but yeah, that's where having a good education helps)
Don't you think the problems kick in when the baby arrives? (which is what this thread is about).....I have 2 daughters, one is at uni training to be a teacher..a job I know she'll love and be fantastic at...but I hope when (and if) she has children she stays at home with them....at least for the 1st 3 yrs. I just think it's really hard to do both..work and care for a young child...I'll advise my daughters to make sure they can afford to take time out with their dc, feminism is great....but one thing will never change women, and that's the emotional attachment women have for their baby.....men just don't have it the same.

and that's the emotional attachment women have for their baby.....men just don't have it the same. - based on...?

thanks violethill - it's lovely to have more of a discussion than a disagreement on this issue!

Foureleven;

Based on the fact that it's the woman who gives birth after carrying the baby inside her for 9 months...also the breastfeeding (although appreciate not all women do this)..... the "maternal instinct" ...it's just so powerful for most women...

Look, i'm not against women returning to work when their baby is 2 days old if that's what they want...but make sure it's what you want, don't put yourself in a posistion where you are forced to return to work.....I've known a couple of women who were determined to return to work after the birth of the baby, but when the time came just couldn't do it..they weren't prepared for how they'd feel...

Feminism is all about choices and being in control of your life (as much as possible anyway)....I want my daughters to be in a posistion to make what ever choice they want.

Ok DP, I was just interested.

Although I dont think this is always true i.e. my DPs paternal instinct is about 100 times as strong for my DSD than her mothers.. I am willing to concede that generally speaking though this may be the case.

I was asking because I wondered if what you said was based on anything factual as I hadnt read any research to suggest that is is true that woman have a stronger emotional attachment to their children.

Foureleven..

Does everything have to be based on factual evidence?...do you only do things because research tells you it's ok?

It's nature....babies need their mothers in the early years....we have everything they need.

Umm, generally yes because I have that kind of mind..

Also I only know a very small percentage of people very very well so to base all of my understanding on them and their experience doesnt really work for me.

Really?...wow.

Not sure what to say to that really...