Giving up £60k job that I love to be SAHM

[Moomo]

After a lot A LOT of thinking I have pretty much decided not to go back to work and to be a SAHM - at least for a couple of years. But am giving up a £60k job that I really enjoyed to do so. DH earns £30k so it will be a massive drop in our income but I just can't face going back to work and leaving DS in childcare.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done the same thing and whether friends/family etc have been supportive as most people I tell think I am totally crazy and try and convince me not to do it. I'm not so worried about my career but a bit worried about the loss of income - we can still pay mortgage, bills etc but will be alot less luxuries/no saving/pension etc.

Would be really interested to know if anyone else has done the same/similar thing and how it worked out. I'm pretty confident of my decision but when everyone around me tells me I'm crazy I have moments of self doubt!

She doesn't have to. If she and her husband are happy with her not working, then fine, no problem

Noone is saying she has to. What some people ARE saying, is that it doesn't always have to be all or nothing. There can be a middle ground for some.

SM, As you know, Daftpunk is our resident and vocal bnp-member, who, it comes as no surprise, is advocating on this thread for women to sahm.

I asked whether or not this was a music thread simply because there were a myriad of threads asking for DP to be banned, in response to which DP provided an undertaking that she'd stick to music threads.

"By daftpunk Sun 16-May-10 14:02:09
NH;

It was my decision to stick to the music threads for 3 months"

It's been a short three months. So I was simply registering that I noticed.

ah,the bnp mêlée.but dp can post anywhere she wants.if she posts shit then sure as shit she will get dug up on it.just like all of us

Yes, there can be a middle ground, I just don't think women should be made to feel guilty if they decide to stay at home...(I'm not saying anyone has made the op feel guilty...haven't read the thread)

Maybe I'm looking at this too personally..I couldn't have coped with a job and a baby...I'm just no good at juggling things...it would all end up on the floor.
I have total admiration for women who manage it...I know it can't be easy.

Violethill, weren't you accusing me of being sanctimonious about 200 posts ago? Looks as if you have stolen my crown.

200 posts ago,nowt like recalling a festering grudge

Just a photographic memory, scottishmummy!

The answer is: DO WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. If you are happy, the kids , the family will be happy, the career/home choices will all work out, and you will be happy with whatever income you have. It's hard to see through all the detail I know, but try not to overthink it. Go with your instinct - how do you want to spend your days? And just decide. In reality for most of us, the answer is try to get some BALANCE. Good good luck and trust your instincts!

op doesn't have a choice to make she's opining on sister choice.and agree only people deciding this should be parents.

Hi
Not read all the posts but wanted to say well done for making such an amazing decision. Many may think your mad to give up such a salary to be a SAHM. I think it shows how seriously you take your role and when all is said and done kids grow up so quiskly and you dont get that time back. Work will always be there to go back to should you so chose to do so whereas your kids being a certain age you can never get back and if you miss it then hey you miss it! I and many others have survived the baby years with hubbies on a salary even less than your husbands, and yes cut backs and sacrifices are made but for me being at home with my kids would outway any salary.

apologies.wrong post.wrong thread

Lol SM....

fannying about on lots posts.inevitable mistake

I've done it loadsa...don't worry about it

Hi Jasmeen - I wouldn't worry about hijacking the thread, think that has already been done via the SHAM vs WOHM debate.

How did I deal with the loss of the false identity and prestige that I got from my job? Well, I guess the PND/mid life crisis came from the Mother Vs Career dilema in the first place. Therefore in order to get over the PND I had to resolve it somehow anyway.

I really wish I could say I did X, which made me realise Y and that did it... But it wasn't that simple. I think dropping so many other rules/petences I had helped, eg: having to wear make up everytime I left the house, only exercising outside early in the morning so no-one saw me, always having a clean tidy house, non-stop worrying what other people think basically. Part of my PND was anxiety so I slowly took steps to realise that other peoples opinions don't matter. One such step will sound ludicrous now, but was wearing my PJ bottoms to the local shop to get a pint of milk. I can still look back on that now and know that no-one did actually stop and laugh or point and stare as I was convinced they would.

I'm really rambling, but for me it came down to realizing that what other people think does not matter. As such, trying to impress them with my job title or the industry in which I worked was equally pointless....

I've got to say here that when I was out with some other local NZ Mums recently, when the "what did you do before you were a Mum?" question came up, I mumbled my anwser, but was still secretly delighted at their ooohhh-aaahhhh responses. So definitely not cured!!!

There is a simple anwser though, time, but that anwser sucks! Also if Motherhood was recognised as a fulfilling rewarding career, that would help too.

Well done on looking after three though! I am in awe of that....expecting my second and I'm scared enough about that.

Clearly I am not trying to impress anyone with my poor English either!

Completely relate to every bit of your post Penguin!

The 'time' answer does suck a bit unfortunately. If I am out without the children (doesn't happen that often) people always seem to ask what I do, it took 2 years for me to be able to reply that I am a mother, as in a full time one. Before that I used to be vague and mention something or other about long term maternity leave.

If it helps answer your question too jasmeen I've sort of created a new identity IYSWIM?there a few hobbies and interests I wanted to get into when I was working but I didn't have the time (well I thought I didn't) so making time for those things help. It is hard though, especially if you live somewhere where people you meet can appear to be very money and career orientated. Without exception all of my friends with children work full or part time.

And yes it would be nice if if Motherhood was recognised as a fulfilling rewarding career...I've had some odd responses from telling people that is what I do!

but motherhood is not a career.whether or not it is rewarding depends on the individual.cant/wont be recognised as career because it isnt career -it is set of tasks,roles.if one feels demeaned or lesser for being sahm then that is their individual issue.and needs addressed acknowledged individually.re-branding motherhood as a career cannot address an individual malaise about its status in society

mumtofour - it's easy to say 'work will always be there' but that's just not true; many, many women (& men) find it very hard to get back into the job market after having a break. In the current economic climate it is even harder; I first started posting on mumsnet nearly 10 years ago - under a different name - I was really smug about loving being a SAHM, best for my child, etc etc - at that time DH was earning a very good salary and everything was fine. Now things are completely different, our financial situation is much worse - I am finding it very, very difficult to find a job - let alone anything comparable to what I used to do.

In the op's position I would think very, very seriously about giving up a well paid, enjoyable career.

Totally agree with that last point sm. Being a mother is not a career, or a job, neither is being a dad. You don't enter parenthood expecting to be paid for it, you do it out of love. I would never expect to be paid for the fact that I am a mum.

If motherhood is a career, it is a pretty shortlived one with no objective performance targets.

It is just a time in your life where you have to look after children as part of your normal home life because you chose to have them. Plenty of people who are parents of dependent children do it on top of having an actual career.

It is how you choose to spend your time. Not an career.

Thanks, Ragwort, for being honest about it. Interesting well-paid work is Not always there.

I am all for choice for women, so long as it is informed. As another poster put it, there are a lot of off-ramps from a well-paid career, but very few on-ramps once a few years have gone by.

OP should make the decision to give up with that in mind.

in my career i do cpd,postgrad study,as mum i can faff about as i wish.long as they are fed,cleanish i scrape by

No, it is not a career, nor should it replace one. Perhaps I was not expecting to be taken quite so literally! But then I am posting on mumsnet on something that is rather a contentious issue! I certainly wouldn't except pay either!

It would be nice if full time mother hood was recognised as being fulfilling and rewarding instead. People ask what I do for a living and are often quite shocked by my reply!

Perhaps I paint a rosy picture, but it has been hard. I've never been smug about being a SAHM as I know many of my friends would love to be SAHM's. I lost my job at the start of the credit crunch, but I saw it as a lucky escape for me as I didn't have to make the decision. DP lost his job also, so it's been not picnic even though he is back at work.

I built one career from absolutely nothing, I can do it again if I need to. I wouldn't expect to go back after a decade off and expect my old salary!

I can't do my DC's again though, so I am following my gut and doing what I think is best for them and for me.