i'll get flamed but why are stay home mothers so smug?

[wombleprincess]

this is not a thread about the pros and cons of working/not working, i just wonder if anyone finds that stay at home mothers are really smug about the choice they've made? or is it just my experience? cant they just live and let live? I dont judge them, but they seem to be very judgemental about working mothers.

anyway, a friday topic for anyone at work trying to get through the day perhaps!!

Jelly, you aren't seeing it from Xenia's perspective. Say you earn around £500k a year, and most city law partners will earn at least that, sometimes much more.

Then you can pay for all the childcare you can eat. Plus housekeeper plus cleaner plus gardener, and still have lots of cash left over.

So from Xenia's perspective doing all those fairly mundane chores, which you can pay anyone to do, and have a good and interesting career is probably the only rational choice.

I do recognise that very few people are in that position. Xenia though, she just doesn't see barriers. Which of course is her strength as well as her weakness.

Oddly enough you're not allowed to have your phone on to take business calls or any other for that matter while in scbu wondering desperately if your child will live or die. Elizabeth Allen (NGis a M) got it spot on with "The complete inability to see things from any perspective but your own is a failing. Sorry, but it is." I wonder if making 12 hours after your childs birth is necessarily something to be proud of or is just a fact.

I can see that for some people it makes sense to go back to work and I am all for choice. I would just question whether paid work is the only choice for everyone. Of course, for some, it may be.

cannot be arsed to read entire thread but in response to OP
Smug is the right of mothers who have the choice to be Sahm or working mum

The women who have NO choice are the ones shortchanged.

I just find no job to be as rewarding as caring for my house and kids and in my way supporting a hard working well earning and generous husband.

I intend to select a career when my usefulness here is over prob 3-4yrs have 17mth old and a dd 5yrs with needs that prohibit me working without the most sympathetic employer in the world-unless anyone knows one who gifts 3wks leave everytime dd gets a cold?
But seriously I'm doing what I want and that in no way makes judgement against anyone else choices

yes, it can be dull caring for children 24/7, xenia. SAHMs feel that too. But that on its own is not the reason to castigate those of us who have no choice but to suck it up. Your inferiority and judgements argument is basically flawed - of course we are all different in our abilities and life choices that fall out of them, but this does not give anyone, not even you, the right to judge or rank their lives as a result of that. Not all of us who stay at home do so because we lack drive. My mother had a v high powered job and I still remember her lack of interest and connection in me all the way through my life particularly her lack of interest in my first day at school. I gave up a highly successful career when I was pg with my first so that my children will never have that memory, and that I will always be there for them when they walk through that door. You have made a different choice. Fine. If you want respect or courtesy for it then offer it back.

I am a SAHM.I don't think I am smug at all.

I don't think I was ranking. I said everyone is equal before God and under the law.

But some will be prettier than others - find me a group of women who don't meet and eye up each other's looks, who is thinner than who, who has better clothes - very few.. may be in a convent perhaps... but even then they'll be comparing who is most humble). It's just human nature to rank people. I am cleverer than some people and stupider than others ditto on just about every aspect you can find, a better mother than some and worse than others. Then there will be other areas where I am just different rather than better or worse.

But some things people are better at full stop. Better is a nicer word than superior which has nasty connotations.

I am obviously better at earning money than most mumsnetters. I am worse at a whole load of other things I'm sure. But I don't think ranking per se is wrong. It's just how we're made and how we are on this planet.

(Agree with Q although I don't quite earn £500k; if women get proper careers and make a success of them and earn a lot of money it certainly makes life easier and more fun in some ways - lesson for your daughters).

amen to that.

I think you are being paranoid. Whether they work or not, mothers are individuals. And the rubbish that Xenia continually spouts about sahm's is more offensive than anything I have read on here about working mothers.
You sound a bit judgemental yourself, OP

Well, there's the difference, Xenia. I don't do ranking. I couldn't care less whether I am the cleverest/prettiest whatever in a group. It's more important to me to make others feel good about themselves than for me to beat them.

I like the way Xenia says that caring for babies/parents/teenagers at home is boring. Of course it is. It is boring sometimes being a SAHM. BUT we do it because we are the best person for the job, and love our babies/parents/teenagers. Or we delegate to others, who are WOHM, but also may be the best person for the job. The job doesn't go away, just because you don't want to do it, Xenia.

I was never smug, couldn't afford to work.

Actually I don't normally get involved with these threads because they all turn out to be nasty and petty.

Let's get away from the focus on mothers. A mother is one of two parents, both of whom are equal. Some parents stay at home. Most parents work. People are fortunate when they have a choice about how they live their life - and I certainly hope my own children will have choice, as I do. There is nothing that makes a SAHP or a WOHP 'better' per se. Some parents who are at home are great, some are boring, some parents who work are great, some are boring. And finally, parents who work love their children just as much, and do not miss out.
Amen.

I feel quite smug about working p/t in a relatively senior role for my age/sector AND having negotiated it upfront when I got pregnant. However, I don't think i externalise this smugness and perhaps my SAHM friends feel sorry for me for 'having' to work.

For me working 3 days a week is the best of both worlds but all mothers who feel happy and content with their choices must also feel inwardly smug no matter who they are.

Yes, parents male and female who are content with their children don't feel threatened. I never do. I have worked full time for all 24 years of being a mother as did my children's father and I never felt jealous of parents at home or wanted their lives or thought my children would have done better with a parent at home. I just know that we did the right thing on so many levels.

Of course the "job doesn't go away". I've enjoyed the job of parent for nearly 25 years and I wouldn't rule out another baby if that were possible which might extent it over 45 years but that doesn't mean you need to be there 24/7. Plenty of fathers love their children and bond with them but work very hard in jobs and no one ever criticises them whether their wife looks after the children or they pay for child care. It was interesting at meeting I was at this week locally there were three mentioned, all who don't really work much or at all, have wives who do. It's very different in some parts of the country. the assumption because you happen to be male you're the one who works is not the norm in all parts of society.

exactly xenia it's that confidence and conviction and ability to choose that makes it work for you.

Same for me
Tbh I find my kids 100000000000987 x more interesting than any work colleague or job...