Update: Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event.

[DrLoveHandles]

Morning MNers. I wanted to say a massive thank you to people who replied to my panicked thread on Tuesday about being called to HR. And thank you to people who DMed me as well. It was such a big help to get some perspective and to know how to prepare. Thank you!

Here’s the original thread: Page 40 | Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please... | Mumsnet

Right, an update:
I had the meeting with HR this morning. It was a fact-finding meeting. I took a colleague from another department who made copious notes.

Basically, a complaint has been lodged against the guy who asked me “Why aren’t you drinking?” because he made inappropriate and unprofessional comments to a junior female member of staff after I’d left the drinks reception last week.

In response, he’s lodged a counter-complaint to say that he was ostracised and bullied at the event by several women. I am one of the women he's named, saying that I spoke unprofessionally and condescendingly, citing a couple of Respect At Work type policies. He hasn't lodged complaints about individual women but, I think, about the event and event organisers itself saying that they/it created a non-inclusive and hostile atmosphere for men, partly perpetrated by the women who were mean to him. The event itself was about a "woman's issue" so, yes, it was mostly of interest to women.

HR wanted to hear my side of the story which I told them as recommended by several posters (thank you again!). I told them he asked me an intrusive and unprofessional question which could raise issues re. several protected characteristics. I told them that I tried giving “soft no” answer as a social cue to avoid social awkwardness or embarrassment (i.e. the thing he’s accusing me of), then moved to be firm and clear (as taught on the leadership course) before I left the conversation.

I said that if my experience is anything to go by, his perception of being “ostracised” or “bullied” is very likely to be women setting professional boundaries – there are a few policies that talk about this which I cited.

HR said that its very unlikely his complaint will go anywhere, but they have to hear everything that happened that evening and fully investigate. I’m just waiting to hear back about that.

They’re going to use what happened to me (him persistently asking why I’m not drinking) as evidence of a pattern of his behaviour that evening in support of the original complaint about him.

I don't socialise much with colleagues either for all kinds of reasons. But the group that organised last week's drinks reception host really good networking events so I decided to stick around for it. It only take one stupid colleague (usually a man, let's be honest) to ruin things.

You're so right.

'Can’t believe some posters on the previous thread basically chastising you for having boundaries and not pandering to sexist ‘be kind’ shite.,

Yeah. I remember some of the language used by the posters making up stories about the OP being 'an arsehole' and seeing herself as having 'a strong sense of justice' etc etc etc.

Actually fantasising abiut her being hated by her colleagues and finally getting into trouble.

Hope they all feel stupid.

Well done!

Did laugh though at the premise of the meeting.

Woman complain about man’s behaviour.

Man complains he feels bullied by the woman. 🙄

Exactly.

Last year, there was a 7 month investigation into a male colleague who had four complaints of sexual misconduct against him. There were hundreds of pieces of evidence gathered, thousands of pages of reports and months of various people's time. There was a watertight case against him. HR ended up saying "No misconduct, just a misunderstanding, fault on both sides"

But I'm not about to give up my cushy, flexible, autonomous, very well paid job because HR (who I never interact with) are incompetent 🤔

Academia isn't corporate. You get a black spot on your name in academia, your whole career internationally is down the drain. Often they protect charismatic or well -connected people as they bring in funding and opportunities. Even if they're going around sexually harassing everyone.

Yes sadly that's exactly what I mean

Decrepit and incompetent HR and predators running riot in academia are things which definitely exist.

How is this a surprise to people?

@DrLoveHandles if the above applied in your case. is it worth getting some legal advice and ensuring that your name is completely cleared on your work records and that you are allowed to contest any commentary that may end up on your records or have it removed entirely?

The women appealed the original decision. They were assigned an "objective" colleague who'd done external HR sexual misconduct training to look over the case - a man whose day job was a catering manager. He sided with the HR conclusion and the women were told there was no right of appeal.

Two of the women left the university. The other two had been run ragged and their careers stalled by the whole process and didn't have the heart for more fighting. So they didn't go any further.

As PPs working in the sector might guess, the man in question was quietly moved to a very comfortable position- no technically a promotion but certainly a very, very nice new set of circumstances.

Does anyone on this thread know anything?! Anything at all? I envy your sheltered lives.

Well done for being truthful and calm. Also for standing up to him in a professional manner at the night out

People who stick their heads above the parapet get shot. Same the world over.

There you go! Overthinking and negative anticipation are what we as humans do because we're all so scared of saying or doing the wrong thing in today's dissection of everything. It's like you have to imagine a judge and jury scenario for anything you've said or done.

Do “cushy well paid” jobs in academia exist?

Good! Hopefully you’re both relieved and satisfied OP.