Update: Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event.

[DrLoveHandles]

Morning MNers. I wanted to say a massive thank you to people who replied to my panicked thread on Tuesday about being called to HR. And thank you to people who DMed me as well. It was such a big help to get some perspective and to know how to prepare. Thank you!

Here’s the original thread: Page 40 | Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please... | Mumsnet

Right, an update:
I had the meeting with HR this morning. It was a fact-finding meeting. I took a colleague from another department who made copious notes.

Basically, a complaint has been lodged against the guy who asked me “Why aren’t you drinking?” because he made inappropriate and unprofessional comments to a junior female member of staff after I’d left the drinks reception last week.

In response, he’s lodged a counter-complaint to say that he was ostracised and bullied at the event by several women. I am one of the women he's named, saying that I spoke unprofessionally and condescendingly, citing a couple of Respect At Work type policies. He hasn't lodged complaints about individual women but, I think, about the event and event organisers itself saying that they/it created a non-inclusive and hostile atmosphere for men, partly perpetrated by the women who were mean to him. The event itself was about a "woman's issue" so, yes, it was mostly of interest to women.

HR wanted to hear my side of the story which I told them as recommended by several posters (thank you again!). I told them he asked me an intrusive and unprofessional question which could raise issues re. several protected characteristics. I told them that I tried giving “soft no” answer as a social cue to avoid social awkwardness or embarrassment (i.e. the thing he’s accusing me of), then moved to be firm and clear (as taught on the leadership course) before I left the conversation.

I said that if my experience is anything to go by, his perception of being “ostracised” or “bullied” is very likely to be women setting professional boundaries – there are a few policies that talk about this which I cited.

HR said that its very unlikely his complaint will go anywhere, but they have to hear everything that happened that evening and fully investigate. I’m just waiting to hear back about that.

They’re going to use what happened to me (him persistently asking why I’m not drinking) as evidence of a pattern of his behaviour that evening in support of the original complaint about him.

I am really pleased to read your update this morning, sounds as though HR are doing the right thing, too. I hope that you are now able to enjoy your weekend without this buzzing in your brain.

Calm down.

thanks for updating us.

he said "they/it created a non-inclusive and hostile atmosphere for men, partly perpetrated by the women who were mean to him. The event itself was about a "woman's issue" so, yes, it was mostly of interest to women."

I startled a member of my family by laughing out loud when I read this.

That's the best outcome really. Him being exposed as a dick and desperately grasping at straws claiming he's being attacked by women en masse. But without having a leg to stand on so not actually making a complaint about any one specific person? What an idiot.

The man HAS made a complaint. The OP said he’s made a counter complaint to the complaints against him.
Attitude on you today.

It’s amazing how this guy managed to shoot himself in the foot and show his true colours. All in his own.

Clearly he had an issue with the training telling women not to pander to men. And THEN those said women didn’t pander to him during the after event drinks. 😁😁😁
How awful. Clearly discrimination and bullying isn’t it?

@DrLoveHandles my one question about it all is: are you likely to work with him or attend training with him?
Id be very careful about him going forward. He isn’t going to take well to be told he was wrong - assuming this is what HR will do. I hope they will.

Thanks for the update. Very helpful for me as well- helps to see someone setting real professional boundaries and finding support from colleagues and HR. I hope it can be resolved in a meaningful way for you.

What was the event OP?

You say it was a 'womens issue' but was it targetted for women or is it an event for everyone but women are typically more affected?

Wow, thanks for the update OP!

He really is a piece of work, trying to defend his utterly inappropriate, entitled behaviour into 'women are mean to me and it's not fair' ... just wow.

Oh that poor man’s ego 🤣. Fantastic and all the people on the last thread warbling on about the OP’s behaviour can now trot off.

Thanks for updating. What a douche bag.

Happy about the update but please don't share too much on here. This is really quite a lot of information.

Thanks for the update. He sounds like a right cry-bully

It must have been a horrible few days for you

Thank you for updating, OP!

Been thinking of you this week. That guy is such a weasel! I'm so glad it went alright and it sounds like you've represented yourself really well. I don't think you have anything to worry about going forward. 😊

That sounds like a good outcome all round, although he won't see it that way.

Glad it worked out ok, OP.

I don't want to say too much.

It wasn't targeted at women - anyone with an interest in the topic could join the event and the networking afterwards. The event was about an issue that can effect everyone but women are more affected and this event was specifically about helping women affected by the thing.

So it'd be like an event about helping women who're affected by domestic violence. It wasn't about domestic violence.

my one question about it all is: are you likely to work with him or attend training with him?

Not particularly likely, no. He works in a different department on quite different research from what I do. But in universities, you never know when your paths will cross with people.

Excellent. Sounds like he has dug himself a hole and kept digging. I think the sides are about to fall in.

Great update, sounds the issues of the evening are being addressed in a professional manner. And you, OP, have handled it really well, it seems. I didn't post on the original thread but I really enjoyed some of the helpful and instructive comments.

Just wow though. His excuse for speaking inappropriately to a junior female was 'well when I asked previous inappropriate questions the women I asked them of weren't super nice to me'. What the fuck?!

or even 'person A ostracised me so I went and took it out on person B'

and he actually works at a University and might teach people stuff. People who have nowadays paid a lot of money to be there too! Again I say wow.

Well.

Good outcome OP - I did find it astonishing on the other thread that people thought you were at fault in some way. Just shows how conditioned women are.

Ah ok, so an equivalent would be if they ran an event about male suicide prevention as opposed to a general suicide prevention event.

OP, I knew this was exactly the sort of thing it was going to be. The sort of man who repeatedly pushes a woman’s boundaries like this is exactly the sort of man who would go crying to HR when his ego got bruised because his questioning didn’t get him what he wanted.

Anyway, making inappropriate comments to a colleague at a work event doesn’t become appropriate just because your little tiny man ego got bruised by all the women in attendance. 🙄 This isn’t going to go well for him. I hope the original complaint is fully investigated.

Exactly so. In that case anyone with an interest in suicide could attend but you'd expect more people with a specific interest in male suicide to attend who'd be more likely to be male.