Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

I still disagree, it really is "that intrusive". I had seen your wording and still disagree, it really is that intrusive, in my opinion.

ETA I say this as a non-drinker, so I get pushed on the matter a lot. It's horrible and frankly none of anyone's damned business.

The bloke is an arse. Here are the nine protected characteristics in the Equality Act.

• age;
• disability;
• gender reassignment;
• marriage and civil partnership;
• pregnancy and maternity;
• race;
• religion or belief;
• sex;
• sexual orientation.

Three of these could be reasons not to drink alcohol. Not that any are needed, but any half decent HR person will know that anybody asking this question is on the way to an accusation of discrimination.

Folding money is the type that used to be paper and is now some weird plastic.

The OP's username starts with "Dr", which is the title of someone with a PhD.

Basically, I was saying that I was willing to bet £5 or more that the OP works in academia, based on being Dr Something and dealing with a patronising man who perceives other people's teetotalism as a weakness, oddity, or threat to his own drinking habits.

I can't believe the person reporting this to HR. What a twit. What a cry baby.

How do you know it wasn't any of the three others who found op's reaction ott?

They probably just need to hear your side of the story and possibly that you understand you were more forthright/rude than would normally be the case in a professional interaction and won’t do that again.

The other alternative maybe that they want to understand whether you need help with your drinking. However I believe this is your private health infornation that you are at liberty not to share.

Most of these types of “one employee complains about another”
HR complaints are resolved with education or training on one or both sides.

For the drinking, I personally would not admit to any problem either now or in the past and would simply say “I’m teetotal because it doesn’t agree with me.” You also can’t lie to them.

His question was OTT and unwarranted. OP's stance, in my opinion, was correct. OP does not have to answer the question. It is not an appropriate interrogation. He needs to learn to control himself at all times.

Making two comments about orange juice isn"t "intrusive questioning" though, the fact that the OP sees it that way will probably be something that HR might be interested in, especially if you were asked questions about alcohol at the interview stage, saying that he did that would be lying, so the OP would be going into the meeting as a potential liar, and a potential ex-drinker with issues around alcohol and anger issues, definitely not a good look! If you are going to lie just say that you had a bad headache and the hot weather has been really uncomfortable for you, keep it neutral and then just keep quiet and hear them out.

Then you need a better answer e.g.
Because I don't drink alcohol, or
Because the consequences for you might be unpleasant, or
I prefer soft drinks, or
Do tell me why you want to know, or
I am unable / not allowed...
Anything you like that closes it down, all said with your best patronising smile. If anyone has the nerve to ask why, then it's.. I can't believe you've asked such a personal question, smile and move on.

Obviously, the only proper response from the OP - or any woman - when a man is paying attention to her is to get on her knees and unzip his trousers. 🙄

Yup. OP was doing her employer a favour by shutting this shit down before Prince Charming goes and tries it on a Muslim, a pregnant woman, or a disabled person.

"Yes, but you're not actually meant to do it"

My thoughts exactly, @AgentPidge. If this man wants to ask intrusive questions, he needs to accept the fact that he may get a forthright answer.

I also suspect that, if a man had said what @DrLoveHandles said, in the manner in which he said it, no-one would have batted an eyelid - but women are not allowed to be direct or forthright.

You said it was an ‘after work event’, @DrLoveHandles - was it an official work event, or an unofficial social event? If it was the latter (which is what your OP sounded like to me), then HR are overstepping their bounds by even entertaining this complaint.

Can you flip it and say you are glad someone has brought it to HR’s attention that you were asked an inappropriate and intrusive question, and it’s good to see that it is being called out.

It is appropriate for HR to investigate something that causes upset among staff members, even if it happens outside working hours.

When you are asked to describe what happened, start with something like "I was offended and upset when (colleague) refused to respect my boundaries and wouldn't accept that I didn't want to give him personal information that he wasn't entitled to, but kept needling me to explain my personal choice not to drink alcohol. In retrospect I can see that the tone with which I told him how rude he was being perhaps crossed a line, but it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been so disrespectful in the first place. I will be willing to accept his apology for his rude behaviour, and in turn make my own apology, and draw a line under this, because I am sure that both of us would rather continue working with professionalism and goodwill together rather than give this incident too much weight."

I'm sorry but I really don't understand your post.

Please can you explain?

OP - everyone telling you could have 'just said this' or 'just said that' are not taking into account that you did 'just say this' - you said 'Reasons'. He chose to be deliberately obtuse and pretend to not understand that your dismissive waving of hands and vague response was a clear signal that it was not something you wanted to talk about.

For whatever reason (maybe he thought he was flirting?) he pried and pushed and I don't think you did anything wrong by putting him straight on the multitude of reasons that someone may choose not to drink. As I have understood it, you quite rightly, called him out on pushing a conversation past the point where someone was comfortable.

The fact that he has gone to HR about this proves that he is a bit vindictive so your instinct turned out to be completely right.

I would not apologise.
I would say that you adapted a stance that you learned on the course they sent you on because you felt cornered, uncomfortable and under pressure to reveal private information despite sending VERY CLEAR SIGNALS that this was not something you were happy to to talk about.
I would also point out to HR that most reasons people don't drink (apart from designated driver) are very personal - from pregnancy to hard earned sobriety.

@DrLoveHandles please don't say you were forthright - you stood "normally".

And don't say you spoke "patronisingly".

By all means make it clear that you didn't raise your voice, but i wouldn't editorialise further than that.

Any event organised by work is covered by workplace regulations and policies.

Why is it always the job of the woman to deal with men's behavioural shit with hurting their precious feefees, instead of men's responsibility to run a tact filter over the shit they are about to spew forth from their mouths?

I don’t drink because I have cancer, and it’s not good for me. Why should I feel obliged to explain that to anyone?

It was an 'official' event, not just a pub trip.

There was a meeting in the afternoon followed by networking and mingling for those who attended just afterwards.

I’ve just re-read all of OP’s posts to try and work out where you have got all of this from. It is pure fiction 😂

This. Say exactly this OP. You did nothing wrong.

He shouldn't have asked in the first place and certainly shouldn't have pushed it when she obviously didn't want to give a reason. It was none of his business and it isn't compulsory to drink alcohol.
Having said that I usually just say something like because I don't want to or because I don't like it which is true.
OP just tell them what happened and that he didn't drop the subject. I doubt that anything will happen you don't have to tell people personal things.
Generally I think everyone should join a Union. I am surprised so many people don't.