Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Complaining to HR about a minor interpersonal incident at after-work drinks is just pathetic.

However your extensive descriptions of your body language are a bit odd, as is your description of seeing red -- are you sure you're describing what happened accurately? Because implied in what you've said it sounds like you've squared up to him and shouted at him, frankly

I work in academia too - it seems to attract its fair share of socially inept conversationalists. You get used to it.

But if someone at a work mixer squared their stance and held eye contact whilst speaking slowly and patronisingly to me...tbh I'd think they were completely unhinged and I'd also report.

Of course it's bloody intrusive, given that it could be due to pregnancy or recovering alcohol addiction, it's absolutely an intrusive question.

If it's not work then how can it be any of HR's business? Are you answerable to them outside of work? I would highly doubt it.

Then they should learn to keep their mouths shut. Perhaps the alcohol has affected their brain.

I think someone has already touched on this upthread - but perhaps they are investigating him and his attitude towards you rather than the other way round?

He asked you an question which you made clear you didn't want to answer in detail but he pushed you. Your reaction may have been inappropriate but perhaps the onus is on him asking other colleagues about their choices around alcohol - absolutely none of his business- that's the problem.

I'd be tempted to go into the meeting with this in mind.

"Thanks so much for bringing this up. It's so difficult being asked about my alcohol consumption - or lack of in social situations, or any situation actually. It can be a real trigger for me. I do hope he will learn his lesson and not question people about their choices that may have deep and traumatic reactions".

That should do it!

In my head I picture you confidently saying
“Well, there could be many reasons as to why somebody might not be having a drink, Tony. Could be allergic. Could be driving. Could be with child. Maybe its antibiotics or perhaps even an ex-alcoholic, and they're sober now because they don’t want to relapse. It could even be all of the above. Take your pick” and dismissing yourself.

Even if that was your exact attitude, it’s hardly a HR matter.
Sorry OP! How frustrating.

My thoughts exactly.

Are you always do confrontational OP? You sounded pretty unpleasant.

Not sure if this is useful but here we go. In a public sector education environment, I picked up an external phone call to be confronted by a man of a certain age who asked me a question about the organisation. I answered it. He didn't like the answer. He asked the same question multiple more times. Eventually, I lost control of my tone and was rude to him (no swear words or profanity). He then said I was the rudest person he had ever spoken to. I said he needed to get out more and hung up. (I was days away from going on maternity leave and had had enough, but that's no excuse.)

The man phoned again on a direct line to a senior colleague, who asked to speak to me once the call had ended. I said immediately that I had been provoked but that I was out of order and had behaved badly. It was never mentioned again over the many years in which we continued to work together.

I'd assume someone saying "oh you know, reasons" meant that they didn't want to give the actual reason and that I should change the subject!

I said it's not that intrusive, not that it wasn't intrusive.
I've witnessed much worse - oh go on, why not? just have a drink, etc.
He asked twice, and the second time was because her first answer seemed to be a leading answer.

This is just the original response with more anger, really not going to help anyone in the modern workplace TBH. He used something in the environment to spark some conversation, that is basic social interaction 101, he could have been more subtle and made a joke about his reasons for hating orange juice or something rather than broach an obviously touchy subject by asking a question that could be seen as probing or information seeking, but from the stand point of onlookers he is the one being bullied. There are a hundred better more funny responses to what he said than going off on one and looking like someone they need to keep an eye on.

never to explain it because an explanation is a form of apology if you think about it

I'm going to go into this a bit more. Explaining why you don't drink is predicated on two assumptions:

1. That drinking is normal, natural, and something that almost everyone does.
2. That teetotalism is somehow an inconvenience to others.

Under these two assumptions, no one would refuse to drink unless they were pretty much compelled not to, and they would be expected to apologise for and justify the inconvenience that they cause to others.

In other words, the two assumptions treat not drinking as akin to having a food allergy, which does prevent someone from eating what they would otherwise eat and does cause inconvenience when booking meals out. People with food allergies are constantly apologising to waitstaff and explaining how their allergen would make them ill, and are constantly eyeing with envy what other people are eating that they cannot.

But drinking isn't like a food allergy, because a beer glass can be used to serve a pint of lemonade without making the lemonade drinker ill through cross-contact, and everywhere that serves alcohol also serves soft drinks. Tere's therefore no need to apologise nor to explain, because no one is being inconvenienced.

In reality, it's the recreational ingestion of the known carcinogen known as "alcohol" that is abnormal, unnatural, makes no sense, and causes inconvenience, sickness, and death to both its imbibers and the people around them. The sensible question isn't "why doesn't OP drink?" but "why do her colleagues think it's normal to poison themselves?"

If you’d report someone for something as small as this, you’d be a wally. Problem with academics is that they’ve effectively never left school.

Just what i was thinking
LOADS of people overreacting and then claiming they were right no matter what people say
Rather unusual to have so many in one day, must have been something in the water over the weekend

I would genuinely approach this meeting from the starting assumption that the ‘unprofessional behaviour’ was the man’s intrusive questioning, and that you are so pleased that HR are taking this seriously, because you are sure that they are aware that your choice not to drink may or may not be related to any number of protected characteristics, etc etc etc.

Surely it was unprofessional of the colleague to ask why you weren't drinking! And certainly to pry further.

I hate the pressures to drink at work events.

I don't drink any more after medication gave me liver damage. Even being asked why I wasn't drinking would make me feel pressured

Same

Exactly, and in more normal times that is how people communicated, would the OP rather he had his headphones on and stood with his back to her looking at his phone?

Literally never met the bloke before in my life

Any bloke with half a brain would know not to pursue this question knowing that (in general not specific to Op) to reveal a potential pregnancy at work before a woman is ready can be potentially damaging. Ditto an illness or some form of medical treatment. Ditto a religious principle. He’s a total berk to complain when he was in effect told to get back in his basket and think before he speaks. You were doing him a favour Op but you may have to apologise for your tone but not the content!

I really must be getting a different picture because I don't see how this is remotely reportable. He was cheeky pestering you and you were cheeky back. I thought anyone out of high school knows it is insensitive to question someone's non drinking these days.
Then you went home, so you removed yourself from further confrontation.

I think youve over reacted and taken it as an opportunity to put someone in their place.

Totally unneccessary and making a mountain out of a molehill.

Ive not rtft so if you are sober there are many things you can say, like i dont like it, im driving home, i have to be up early tomorrow Im going for a run with my friend. And then quickly move on.

By answering vaguely like, "oh you know-reasons" its a non answer and will spark intrigue in a human mind and thats all thats happened. Just give a proper answer next time youre ever in this situation and move on.

I mean me, i dont like wine at all. And I only drink a few times a year. I have colleagues like this too and some that are sober. Its no issue. But youve made it an issue by being ambiguous and vague and like you have special resons. I also openly tell people Im a lightweight as I dont drink often so I dont do it when away from home so I can get myself home safely. There also tons of 0% products now so you could have just taken one of those to blend in tbh.

Not taking something lying down can be done politely, calmly and professionally. It doesn't have to be done in an angry or aggressive manner. I was once accused of something at work that I hadn't done, and I could prove it, no way was I going to take it lying down, so I saved and printed ALL written evidence and politely and calmly displayed it to HR, each document at a time. I proved my innocence, without being angry or aggressive.

My days of "squaring up" to people are long behind me. I didn't shout. I don't shout.

I gave extension descriptions of my body language because (a) I was very deliberately assertive in my body language, (b) I knew posters would ask about if I didn't give detail, and (c) for full transparency.

I'm absolutely being accurate about what happened. I have no need to lie here - I want people's honest opinions so what would be the use in lying about what happened?