Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Because it sometimes isn’t true and when you are not drinking for ‘reasons’ it’s uncomfortable constantly being asked.
I used to lie and say I had to drive later so couldn’t drink, I got less questions that way - still pissed me off that I couldn’t just say ‘I don’t want an alcoholic drink’ without the 3rd degree.
For a certain type of person, others not drinking seems to make them feel uncomfortable. I am glad society is slowly changing on this point. When I had to give up alcohol, I had a number of occasions just like the OP has mentioned. Some people are really rude.

Make sure that this is in your notes as a point to bring up, you were only following what had been taught to you.

OP, he was very rude and inappropriate.

I'm sorry this has happened and I hope it's all a storm in a teacup.

I used to get this because I hardly drink, and being a vegetarian who makes it a point of principle NEVER to preach or even talk about my vegetarianism, it always winds me up when people push you. A lot of the time they want to be aggressive and have an excuse to have a go at you.

Good luck and I hope it gets sorted out soon.

@DrLoveHandles

at the meeting I would say you agree with them that his behaviour was extremely unprofessional and you were very surprised that a colleague would think it was appropriate to persistently question another on why they are not drinking. No harm done though and you’ve taken the time to explain to him and you don’t want to make a formal complaint. But it might be worth them updating their respect in the workplace training because imagine if it happened to a Muslim colleague, or someone who just felt less able to stick up for themselves- we can all agree that would be dreadful wouldn’t it? Any more questions? No? good.

I can't believe OP reacted the way she did.

IANAemploymentL, but At the meeting I think you need to highlight this. The repeated questioning, the pain it causes you and repeated causing you to relive an uncomfortable situation or circumstances. You don’t need to share the reasons with anyone, including HR, because it could be illness, trauma or disability related.

And actually, I think your employer needs to be being supportive of you and more nipping this inappropriate questioning from who I agree are ‘those type of people’- and I would have thought this was a man, even if you hadn’t said so.

The magic phrase to use here OP is that ‘you felt unsafe’ in that environment under that questioning. If you are in a union or can bring a friend along then do.

I would also guard against saying things like ‘I apologise’ or ‘I’m sorry’, it’s accepting blame. You could say that you regret the individual asking you the inappropriate question and continuing to press you when it was clear you didn’t want to answer that, because it was painful to you, or worrying (eg pregnancy early stages after miscarriages where you haven’t told your employer yet).

It’s not on you to have to teach him in that moment what is and isn’t appropriate. Your employer has to make sure your workplace is safe and they aren’t. So I would smile, listen but ask them about what are their expectations and how do they think their policies support a safe working environment for you.

Good luck!

edit to add- your employer HR should be seeking to establish the facts ahead of a decision to investigate further, another reason why you should be careful about accepting blame here. Keep neutral and watchful. I bet the bloke here was feeling embarrassed by his idiocy and is trying to get you back, I bet he made some comments too at the time eg ‘she must be in the rag etc 🤢’ so maybe HR can advise that nothing like that happened?

Why does she need to explain herself?

Pressing someone on why they aren't drinking is not banter and it's widely understood to be inappropriate by most normal people

For all he knows you could be a recovering alcoholic or pregnant or whatever the fuck reason which is none of his business

No, the best response is to learn adult social skills.

Its so bloody awkward though. People shouldn't ask i agree! But they do. And I cringe and find it so hard to just say none of your business!

I’d argue that the way the OP lightly batted away the initial question does demonstrate social skill. His pushing the issue was the problem, surely?

You need to learn a range of adult responses to different types of people though, that is how the world works, especially in work environments, there were a number of better ways to handle this, the OP chose the wrong way.

No.

She doesn't need an 'acceptable' answer. She certainly doesn't need to soothe his ego by smiling. He needs to learn not to ask personal, inappropriate questions.

Should she have 'smiled and moved on' if he'd asked - and pressed for an answer - about her weight? Ethnicity? Bra size?

I'm an occasional drinker, not a teetotaller, yet even I can see how questioning someone's decision to abstain is intrusive and very rude.

Pregnancy is a private matter, at least in the early stages, and the woman deserves privacy without having to lie to get it.

I have friends who are many years on the wagon and they shouldn't be made to feel defensive or ashamed of the addiction that they have worked long and hard to shake off.

We don't question why people don't smoke, we respect nicotine quitters, and we think that those who never started are sensible. The only reason why we don't treat teetotallers the same way is because too many of us, myself included, would have to ask difficult questions about our own inability to socialise without consuming a neurotoxin to lower our inhibitions first.

Shame it's all blown up like that.

Unnecessary reactions on both sides imo.
X

Which is why I said "Oh, you know, reasons" in a bit of a breezy, flippant way. It's basically a polite way of saying "None of your business" and most people take it as a cue to shut up and change the subject. Not this guy though.

She tried the adult response. He didn't take the hint like an adult should.

I would define it as how adults talk to each other sometimes, not as a "problem", in a workplace having a "problem" every time someone else deviates from your narrowly defined band of appropriateness is probably going to make your life very difficult TBH.

Yes i totally feel you.

I dont understand why people are so hung up on drinking and why others dont drink. Ive known people get really uncomfortable that im not drinking and even buy me a drink.

WTH. No thanks!

I’d bet my house on the fact that this interaction wouldn’t have happened this way if you were male. Unfortunately, misogyny, classism and racism rules in academia, so be careful in your meeting.

Good for you, OP, for standing up for yourself. People should never probe others as to why they are not drinking - it drives me mad that we have to come up with excuses. Even on here, people have suggested to you that you could have just said you were on antibiotics, or feeling dehydrated… but why on earth should you have to lie, or even have to make any excuses?!
If anyone should be in trouble, it’s him.

Tell HR that you are pleased that someone has approached them about this man’s unprofessional behaviour.

Please please please raise a complaint about his inappropriate line of questioning and suggest he is sent on a “how to make small talk without being offensive” training course.

an unbelievable 25 years ago a young colleague quizzed a client why he didn’t drink at a client lunch where wine was being served and client declined (for religious reasons I figured out later - strict fundamentalist Christian). Our supervisor told colleague off later and HR had a supportive chat as well. It’s simply not on to ask WHY someone doesn’t drink. I’m on your side OP.

I can't believe in this day and age the colleague even asked. That he involved HR just beggars belief.

She did not behave like an adult.