Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Are you sure that enigmatic is the word you meant to use here?
Nothing that OP said invited further questioning about her alcohol free drink. The colleague was very rude and needs a lesson in manners.

He was rude to ask in the first place. Sounds as though he's realised and is trying to pre-empt in case you say something. It is also a tedious question and not his nor anyone else's business.

I saw red - Whatever you do don't say that to HR. It makes you sound like you have an anger management problem.

Sounds like he asked for reasons, and you gave him reasons.
It was exactly what he asked for.

If HR say that he didn't like your tone, I would admit as to being a bit exasperated with the question as you'd already given a polite rebuff, but say he is blowing it out of proportion.
Do not admit to anything further.

Bloody hell! This used to be just 'small talk.' I would assume that "reasons" was an invitation to probe further TBH. Why didn't you just say "Just don't fancy it" instead of sounding so mysterious. Very odd!

That guy sounds like a prick. And if anything I think should be the one being questioned.

You have done nothing wrong. You don’t owe people nice body language, tone. Have to say tho I’m very intrigued to see what the actual fuck they will do?! Because it feels like they have nothing.

How pathetic to go running off to HR after you gave short shrift for his rude question. He sounds like he couldn't take the humiliation of your (warranted) rudeness and decided to be vindictive about it. Petty behaviour. Why couldn't he have just said "Sounds like I've offended you, sorry didn't mean to be nosy" and everyone move on.

That’s ridiculous. No one has to give a reason as to why they not drinking. Would you ask someone who was drinking alcohol why they were drinking it. I think it’s weird for people to drink alcohol but I don’t quiz them on their odd habits.

Oh no, I absolutely won't.

I have no idea what wacademia means in their comment and ive read it about 10x

Jesus he must be a bit of a wet lettuce if hes complaining that a woman was a bit sharp with him. I bet his mother irons his underpants for him 😆

You should have said - Because I tried Pineapple juice once and it made me sick, going into War mode and taking up an aggressive stance etc. is probably not the best response to someone trying to banter/flirt or make small talk or whatever, best to be polite and move on if you don"t want to talk to them, but remember this is not your local pub it is WORK and sometimes at work we have to deal with difficult co-workers/customers, would you go off like this if an important customer made a clumsy remark about what you are drinking?

No idea how this got to HR TBH, most likely someone who overheard reported it, but look out for them feeling you out about alcohol issues, this would be the thing I would be on guard for, your attitude might be secondary, most employers wouldn"t push this based on a couple of comments at a works do but if your job is high level/high paid they might think they have the mandate to push this, tread carefully.

I'm an employment lawyer and I think @Mumsntfan1 and @ElleintheWoods are likely correct and it may not be your behaviour HR is investigating.

Even if it is yours, it's possible that it wasn't the man who reported it but someone else. I wouldn't get hung up on cursing him, because you want to go into the meeting with a neutral attitude if possible.

Explain what happened matter-of-factly. If you feel comfortable doing so and it's relevant (ie they're questioning your reaction), then it might be a good idea to admit you feel you overacted but that you felt put in a position with the invasive questioning in front of other people.

Sorry, struggling to keep pace with the messages.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts on this - there are some really helpful insights, thank you so much.

Your last few sentences sum this up perfectly 😁

I work in academia - full of wet lettuce men

You just say, "I don't drink alcohol, I don't like it." It's no biggie.

Pre-empt the case? He made a remark about orange juice, the OP started being aggressively rude in front of a group of people, no one but the OP probably heard what he said but everyone heard the OP it seems? The OP needs to dial their attitude right down for the HR meet IMO.

Thing is, even if dickhead gets told off, that's awkward for everyone in the office the next day. People need to learn that nothing good comes out of involving HR

If I had a £ for every time people have asked me why I'm not drinking I'd be rich. I don't have a reason, I'd rather not spend money, I don't like the feeling it gives me, When I have a drink I eat too much. I have a drink occasionally but never if someone asks me. It's none of anyone's business and I will not be cajoled. People should learn to mind their own business. Accept it.

If this ends up being the stance of "against you", don't take it lying down. He was pushing it, typical man cannot leave a woman alone. You dealt with him accordingly to the course they bloody sent you on. It will be a disgrace if this gets held against you. Teach women to stand up for themselves against men and then punish us for doing just that. Utter fuckers.

I think saying ‘reasons’ makes it seem like you wish to speak about it. It could be anything, I have to pick my kids up, I’m up early to go running in the morning or I’m doing a detox diet. If you don’t want to discuss, just say I don’t drink or I didn’t fancy it tonight.

Then you got aggressive about it and that’s not really acceptable.

Though from my opinion as an HR professional, if what you are saying is true, then you are very unlikely to any sort of disciplinary case on your hands. You were in some way goaded and responded.

It's very common for drinkers to ask a non-drinker why they aren't drinking, especially if they usually do, I don't think it's that intrusive.
And your answer did invite a further question.
But I don't think HR will care that much, even if you did "see red", once you explain I'm sure they'll agree with you.
Do you have history with this guy?

Highly unlikely he said anything, the OP made a scene in front of a group of people that implies anger and alcohol issues and may have been overheard by managers of someone with the ear of managers.

A few years ago I got an email from HR summoning me for a meeting to discuss a complaint of inappropriate behaviour. I immediately panicked and assumed it was a complaint against me. It wasn’t and I was being interviewed as a potential witness to someone else’s behaviour. I really think these HR emails should state if the complaint is against the recipient or not!