Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

⬆️ this. He well over-stepped. You might be a recovering alcoholic, you might be pregnant, you might have a loved one who was killed by a drunk driver. All these are none of his fucking business. And to snitch on you to HR was the rancid icing on the shitty cake. What a twat.

HR represent the employer and the employers interest. They have no more right to ask why you are not drinking than any other representative of the employer. Saying you had an alcoholic parent would raise all sorts of potential questions in their mind that would be potentially harmful to OP.

Most reasonable adults wouldn’t ask the question in the first place. And even having done so, they wouldn’t push a second time.

... and individual choices.

there is one option they want to know if your preg ? @DrLoveHandles

Actually it is. The reasons why someone isn’t drinking may be to do with protected characteristics which are absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

Just imagine if OP had gone round the room demanding to know why each of her colleagues was drinking, especially if she did so with a judgemental condescending tone…

Do you think it is important that people don"t have anger outbursts at work or work functions and threaten their co-workers in very...slow...deadpan....intimidating.....voices?

Wasn't necessarily him. Sounds like you'd have made everyone in the group uncomfortable. Also "you know...reasons" is the kind of thing people say when they want you to probe, not to shut it down.

What's an adult response?

In what way did she threaten him?

Employers have a duty to be inclusive. And that extends to making sure that employees who don't drink alcohol are not made to feel uncomfortable, intimidated or singled out at work social events.

But in a social setting you have to grow a sense of humour and understand that people have different world views, some people are intrusive nosey fuckers, doesn"t mean they are bad people though and deserve to be threatened and humiliated in front of a group of their co-workers, my bet is that the OP will get their arse handed to them when they go to the HR meeting.

It wasn’t a ‘social setting’, it was still a work setting.

Legs apart, staring into their face holding eye contact, if someone did that to you in the street would you feel threatened, or would you give them a cuddle? You don"t get called to HR for no reason, the OP has come across as very out of control I think.

That's correct. And employers should take account of non drinkers when planning work social events. A non drinker should never be put on the spot about why they don't drink.

So no actual threat then? OP clearly felt threatened by this man’s intrusive questioning.

How would you police this?

But it wasn't on the street, nor is conventionally non-threatening stance an invitation to a cuddle in the workplace.

The man had persisted in questioning so if anyone was threatened, it was the OP.

It didn’t sound as though OP was, though.

The same way you police all workplace behaviour.

Oh ha, ha. Do you really not understand that at work social events all the same rules apply? Of course this was a work event.

Why shouldn't "intrusive nosey fuckers" be humiliated?

No, the OP had a wobble for another reason that has not been disclosed yet IMO, they have come to the attention of HR because of it, anyone who cannot handle two questions about why they are drinking orange juice (one question that they more or less invited) shouldn"t be out and about in the adult world IMO.

Oh fgs, have you never been employed? It's "policed" the same way as any other misconduct at work.

It absolutely does have implications for protected characteristics. A social enquiry like this on its’ own wouldn’t constitute grounds for a formal claim, but pushing for an answer would potentially intersect with sensitive personal areas protected by the Equality Act 2010 as it could force someone to disclose private information about disability, religious beliefs, or even into disclosing a pregnancy before the they are ready.