Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Anyone who can’t handle the fact that someone is not drinking alcohol without demanding to know why should not be employed.

That was my immediate thought when I read your opening post.

Because you don"t "humiliate" co-workers in a work setting, I obviously get it, the OP obviously does not, LOL, do you actually get it?

You didn't over react. The other person was in the wrong

I rarely swear on here but what fucking business was it of the bloke's that she was drinking orange juice?

OP was being humiliated by her decision/her need to not to drink alcohol.

There are laws around protected characteristics, which this line of questioning could easily impinge on. If an employer doesn’t ‘police’ it they may well find themselves answering a legal claim for allowing harassment in the workplace.

Is it beyond your imagination to even to begin to start to comprehend that asking a non drinker why they aren't drinking is potentially humiliating?

And even if that's too much for you to think about what business is it of anyone else?

The OP's initial polite rebuff has been variously interpreted as asking for it (you, for instance) and, as intended by the OP, as a perfectly OK way to fend off impertinent and unprofessional questions.

It's the questioner who shouldn't be out among the grown-ups. He got the explanation for the hard of thinking which his unwarranted persistence merited.

Yet the man was happy to ask the OP TWICE about the reasons for not drinking, so was ok to potentially humiliate her into explaining her personal reasons, but you are defending HIM for his hurty feelings when she snapped back??

You couldn't make it up 🙄

You don"t know if someone is a non drinker when you first talk to them, they could be drinking orange juice because they are a binge drinker and they have a hangover.

It was a social setting connected to a work event. Workplace etiquette applies. And the issue isn’t whether you have or haven’t got a sense of humour - intrusive nosy fuckers aren’t entitled to have their intrusive nosy questions answered. OP’s first reply was clear. He pushed it. FAFO.

Personally I think the question is very intrusive, and may be worth noting with HR (if the blame is being solely put on you) that it could be considered harassment/ lead to feeling of discrimination against protected characteristic such as pregnancy or breastfeeding that you dont want to disclose, previous addiction (bnf recognised health condition which can be considered a disability if criteria is met), trauma as a result of someone elses addiction eg a parent or partner (again triggering a mental health related disability if it meets those criteria), there could be a physical health reason such as diabetes which again can be considered a disability as meets legal criteria. Could be religious reasons. Quite frankly he hasnt got any right to know and he could have prodded naively, but I would hope HR would point out the possible impact of prodding on sensitive issues separately to him.

And ? It’s still no-one elses’ business. You seem to think that questioning someone about whether and why they drink or not is acceptable socially. Newsflash. It’s not. OP answered the first question even though it was intrusive. She was polite. A second question could well be viewed as harassment.

No, he asked why she was not drinking, she replied in an open ended vague slightly mysterious way and he followed up by asking "what reasons?" That is how normal adults make conversation, unfortunately the OP seems to have tripped themselves up after the second line for some reason?

The man was enjoying the OP's extreme discomfiture at being asked, and yet he continued to probe. Nobody has to 'grow a sense of humour' in order to deal with rude, inappropriate and unwanted questioning from intrusive nosey fuckers.

In a social setting it is perfectly reasonable to convey your displeasure.

So what? What business is of this ignorant bloke why she was drinking orange juice?

No it isn’t. Normal adults do not demand to know why others are not drinking alcohol without - especially in a work place setting.

It wasn’t vague or open ended. It clearly indicated that she didn’t want to discuss it, otherwise she would have given him a direct answer with her reasons. It’s not normal conversation, it’s intrusive, and I suspect you know that.

That link shares your handle on Instagram! Just FYI. Jefferson Hack is great.

He had no right to ask her "what reasons" and expect her to give him her personal reasons! Are you mad? Why on earth would she answer that intrusive question??

For the umpteenth time what business of his is it why the OP wasn't drinking alcohol? It's a rude, intrusive question.

I"m sorry but in no reality that exists on this earth or any other does this stack up as harassment. The OP was simply asked why they were not drinking that night, that is the sort of things people say to each other when they are at a reception serving drinks.This thread tragically outlines where things have just fallen apart under the watch of Woke World, thankfully we are leaving that world behind and heading into more enlightened times.

What I got from OP 's was that she didn't feel threatened. She was irritated and then annoyed..

Yes he shouldn't have asked and certainly shouldn't have pushed it. But OP going straight from laughing the first time, to full on power and intimidation stance the second time, was one hell of an unnecessary acceleration.

All it needed from her when he asked was "I don't drink" or "I like orange juice". The mystery answer begged for a response.

Irritation and annoyance are responses to feeling threatened.