Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

There are many reasons why someone wouldn’t want to answer a question like that - alcohol is a difficult subject for some. So socially it’s not really an acceptable question to ask. OP answered his first question politely and that should have been the end of it. Having so little filter as to not take the hint and to then keep pushing it is the problem here, and it’s absolutely correct that OP should go into the meeting with that as her starting point. He crossed a line and showed absolutely no respect for OP’s boundaries.

Such an inappropriate question for him to even ask in the first place. None of his damn business.

The questions the man asked the OP, whilst inappropriate, is NOT (a bit) like asking a black person where they come from.

You know, I've seen three threads today where an OP had dealt with an ill-mannered question. The one thing few people seem to realise, while musing over possible replies and bickering about manners, is that you can simply say "It's rude to ask".

Naturally, our self-appointed side-thorns will have plenty to say about whether a question should be considered rude. This tells us they're boorish oafs. It's rude to ask someone's age (unless they're a child), their weight or whether they've gained weight, why they eat or drink what they do or why they don't, why they don't have children, whether they're pregnant, what their medical appointment was about, where they're 'really from' or how much they're worth.

Anything that classes as prying, basically. You can say "It's rude to ask" in whatever tone of voice you feel appropriate. And then change the subject.

None of this is 21st-century newness, by the way. My grandmother schooled me, and I am very old!

The OP was also completely sober. Was the intrusive, pushy male?

It is though. It intrudes on protected characteristics around maternity and pregnancy, disability, belief and race.

So lets break down the conversation;-

Him - "Why are you not drinking?"
Her - "Oh you know, reasons...." (laughs)
Him - (slightly intrigued now) "What reasons?"
Her (assuming Power Ranger stance and staring him down) "What the fucking fuck has it got to do with you... I"m going to start a MN thread on you....intrusive Bastard!"

This doesn"t make anything clear, except at the end where it is clear that the OP has massively over-reacted.

Making it clear what you share goes more like this I think;-

Random person in your office - "Hey, do you live with a partner?"
You - "You know, I don"t bring personal stuff into work, pass me that stapler will you please".

Just my opinion, but some of the the thoughts and reactions on this thread are bordering on Otherworldly, i.e not in the real world.

This is a huge reach, and is wrong legally.

I'm not going to go into the details of protected characteristics as its late, but this is not a correct take.

but the bottom line is that its bullshit, as the collegue pushed op for an answer then got mardy when op made the points,

Bollocks. No one needs to give a reason for not drinking. Some people are tee total and it’s nobody else’s business.

The man should not have asked you in the first place.

He was in the wrong to ask- what is the matter with people that they want to probe why people are not drinking?
The reasons will either be:

• the bloody obvious - eg I wanted an orange juice, or I’m driving-
• the deeply personal- eg I’m pregnant, I’m in recovery-
• or really fucking traumatic- eg I spent my childhood dealing with an alcoholic

it sounds like this guy was just a shit flirt and feels rejected

You answered him with a leading question.
When he said why arnt you drinking, your reply should have been "because I don't want too" there was nothing for him to come back with.
Yes hindsight is wonderful, and BTW iam not saying you were wrong, you weren't, he's an arsehole. You should of answered him differently to shut him down,the wanker

The OP was probably pissed off at being asked in the first place. How utterly depressing that drinking is seen as the norm. Perhaps non drinkers should start asking the drinkers why they’re taking a powerful drug that can have huge health implications.

Tell me why it doesn’t impinge on these protected characteristics? They each have specific reasons for not drinking under them and the employer (via a worker) quizzing about drinking creates a hostile environment for people with that protected characteristic.

All of them, or specific ones? What do you think will happen to this man if he has done this?

You are stretching, and you are just stretching too far, into the realms of fantasy IMO.

One or more of these.

Training

Should you use this response all the time, or should you occasionally favour someone with an adult response?

What would an adult response be?
The adult thing is not to question people on why they aren't drinking alcohol

Just tell HR you had an alcoholic parent growing up and you didn’t like his intruding but you will be mindful about your tone next time.

I don't think it stretching at all. I think it's really important people don't feel any pressure to drink alcohol at work for all of these reasons.

Hardly. People are regularly discriminated against under each of these OCs. Just looking at pregnancy - women are still regularly sacked, not promoted, have contracts not renewed, not given opportunities because they are pregnant. If you are keeping a pregnancy quiet until an opportunity has passed having a man demanding to know why you are drinking definitely would create a intimidating atmosphere.

The reply ‘oh, you know - reasons’ was perfectly acceptable and most people would take the hint that she didn’t want to answer a question that actually shouldn’t have been asked in the first place.

Get on the front foot. You choose not to drink for personal reasons, felt under attack, intruded into personal circs etc.
Tell them you intend to take no further action if he apologises
I can’t see what there is to complain about.
Id say that (except the patronising bit)

He was being highly unprofessional.

I'm teetotal (food intolerance-related, not from choice) and I must admit that if anyone asked me why I wasn't drinking and was demanding an answer, I'd have answered with a forthright 'None of your fucking business'.