Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

OP it's his unprofessional behaviour that you had to rebuff.

I think they've got the wrong person here. He needs to be prevented from asking such a personal question.

Well done for standing up for yourself.

I'd push back hard on HR and say if he hadn't asked such a question, I wouldn't have had to reel off all the answers. What he asked you was totally inappropriaate.

Do people now have to divulge personal reasons for not drinking alcohol.

He wouldnt' have asked a woman with a hijab on why she was drinking orange juice.

So why is (I'm guessing) a white woman OK to ask this sort of question.

Literally he got put in his place and he didn't like it. What a twat.

Hang on, how did we get to him chatting her up? The OP never said that.

Your colleague sounds like a drip!!!
it really was none of his fucking business that you weren't drinking, and he didn't need to push it. He was inappropriate and you stood firm, now he has gone crying to HR. I'm embarrassed for him!

This just turned up on my Instagram feed. How to handle a question like that calmly.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DcbqXGVxDve/?igsi=MXI0NDBqcmxram5sdQ==

The poster “KeepPumping” (whom I assume is male) did.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong, he sounds a complete pain in the arse. Why on earth would you ask a complete stranger why they're not drinking, and then push them on it when they brush it off. He needed telling.

I'd be careful how you describe your tone to HR, I think if you describe it the way you did here, you're shooting yourself in the foot a bit. Just say that you were calm and direct.

"Just say that you were calm and direct."

.... and quite offended.

My ironymeter just exploded.

Thoroughly unpleasant overreaction indeed: complete with misogynistic pejorative.

I think it just a case of listening to what they have to say
tbh I’m not really see anything he did as outrageous with event like this everyone is mingling
it just a case of chatting shit which I think he was
by your own admission you overreacted and were patronising

I would go in assuming that everything is on your side ie they want to talk to you about his unprofessional behaviour. Even though in all likelihood it isn't this, and the lily livered knob has complained about you.
At a wedding I once laughed off the same question from a man who then directly asked is it because you're pregnant, which I actually was by about 5 weeks and so no way was I telling that early. I was so shocked he'd ask so bluntly that I just laughed and turned away. Then we all found out about 2 weeks later that his own wife was 12 weeks pregnant, so he had absolutely no excuse for not knowing that people don't generally share that early. Never understood it and it's coloured my view of him forever.

It does the exact opposite.

'You know, reasons' very clearly translates to a reasonably polite 'mind your own business'.

With the "compulsory training" that was telling you what is okay and not okay, who decreed what is ok, was it a direct line from God, or did someone at the company just make it up, or buy it from some quack training company somewhere? Where did your personal beliefs sit with the training?

There is pretty much no answer to questions about why you aren’t drinking that does not cross the line in terms of what it is reasonable for a colleague to expect to know.

None of his fucking business! I wonder if he'd have pressed the issue with a male colleague he hardly knew? What an insensitive prick.

Asking someone how their day went is a world away from asking them why they aren’t drinking. He didn’t just ask once. He asked again after OP had tried to be polite. Why is it on OP to justify herself to a man who clearly has no filter ?

It’s just basic respect. If you ask someone a personal question and they make it clear they don’t want to answer it, you leave it there - in this context. Basic respect. That’s all. An acceptance that the person you are speaking to (or asking questions of) is an autonomous human with a right to chose what they share or don’t share with people.

Absolutely this.

"I would go in assuming that everything is on your side ie they want to talk to you about his unprofessional behaviour."

You could have the Flashdance theme on in the background for extra effect? I think in the real world the OP is going to get chewed for acting physically aggressive towards a work colleague, but as this is some sort of academia and not JP Morgan I doubt much will happen.

Thank you!

I would imagine that the rule was set using basic respect for another human beings’ boundaries. You ask once. If you don’t like the answer tough - the person you are asking the question of doesn’t want to tell you and you’re not entitled to know.

I kind of need to see a picture or diagram of what this stance is i cant seem to picture ot at all!

You don’t ask about why someone isn’t drinking even once.

She wasn’t physically aggressive. She just stood straight and kept eye contact. She was patronising by her own admission. However, he was rude and intrusive.

lots of reasons why someone isnt drinking, pregnant/driving home later/ on medication that you cant drink with/had issues with drink in the past are just a few, nosy of the person asking why you are not drinking say they really pushed for a reason it made you feel under pressure ,