Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Please learn to read. Clearly stated I chose to not drink but know others they choose as they have issues hence why it’s adds a level of frustration

why someone doesn’t drinks is nobody’s business

Because her entire office might know that she doesn't drive?

What the fuck is wrong with people that we are expected to lie about why we don't want to take a recreational drug? What the fuck is wrong with you that you not only lack integrity yourselves but want to drag the rest of us down with you?

A PP asked: "Why is alcohol the only drug we have to justify not taking[?]"

If this man had asked OP why she wasn't smoking or snorting cocaine, no one would take his side if her response to a second question was blunt.

Any chance someone is claiming it's part of a pattern of behaviour?

Yes I and several people before suggested that may be the case to @DrLoveHandles

Since then she has exchanged several emails with HR to set up the meeting. I would have been understandable and totally reasonable for the OP to have asked them during this email exchange to clarify whether it was her behaviour they were investigating. Which is why I asked her if she did - I certainly would have!

During the latest heat spell I took ice tea in a water bottle to my pilates class, which I sipped from regularly during the class. Towards the end of class the instructor asked what kind of mixed drink it was!!!

Honestly your behaviour does sound a bit over assertive over a passing comment , think at best would warrant an eye roll with colleagues afterwards. He does sound like a wet lettuce running straight to HR because you were mean to him though.

I am the first person who will tell someone to wind their neck in if they are giving a vegan the Spanish Inquisition, and I just finished eating some very real pork chorizo. Likewise for teetotallers, even though I got sloshed every evening for a fortnight on my last holiday.

It's about normalising respect for people's privacy and boundaries.

OP I'm rooting for you, please come back to update us post-meeting. Something tells me that if you were a bloke he wouldn't have had the same reaction (and here I'm assuming it's him who's raised the complaint against you, but I don't know that as fact so will just caveat that). God forbid a woman in the workplace asserts any personal boundaries.

I hope he’s learned to be a little
ore attuned and aware of his conversational style.

I think the OP has just reacted the way lots of us wish we had the courage too. I would probably have ended up sharing more than I wanted to or laughed it off. I wish I had the courage to say why it’s not ok to ask.

But it wasn't comments, it was undoubtedly questions. They were undoubtedly intrusive, because you don't have to be Einstein to work out that the reasons someone isn't drinking alcohol may be very personal, including pregnancy and serious illness: OP's answer to the first question was a perfectly clear, polite indication that she didn't want to talk about it. So persisting with asking her about it was even more intrusive.

As for all that stuff about alcohol and lying, that is a work of somewhat bizarre total fiction on @KeepPumping's part.

Jeez, you have to wonder how some people get through life. I can't believe he's gone to HR about this. I wonder if he'd have gone to them had you been a man.

I hope he ends up feeling even sillier.

I'd call ACAS for advice.

This post speaks volumes about your attitude. Very similar to the attitude you displayed to your colleague.

@Calasa, an employment lawyer, offered you their professional opinion and advice (something you could potentially benefit from) on the situation you have found yourself in. She/he never actually implied you were using the fact that it was an after work event as a defence, they were merely being factual and covering all angles. Yet, you single out this one point and became defensive (again) while adding a laughing emoji to be patronising (again).
I get the feeling you pride yourself as being a ‘sassy’ figure with a strong sense of justice, however it just comes across as tedious. Your reaction was disproportionate.

Having said that, your colleague is pathetic for reporting such an incident to HR.

In short- you’re both hard work.

Sounds like you're both acting like a couple of spoiled brats. You for getting bent out of shape for something so innocuous and he for whining to management. Both of you should grow up.

Your initial response of oh you know reasons and then laughing does definitely encourage him to continue the drink chat. So then to just suddenly see red when he does is very odd.

Now that’s a leap.

So glad I don"t work where you work.

@DrLoveHandles Given the tone of the post, and the fact that you are a woman who took a stern tone against a man who was drinking, I suspect this is an instance in which you are in a very senior position and you were talking to a man in a junior position.

Why did you not explicitly detail that in your original post? You used your authority to try to intimidate someone else, which is absolutely insane and you should not be doing that.

This.

They didn’t know anything about each other. She has since looked him up and they are of the same seniority.

@Nevs I get the feeling you pride yourself as being a ‘sassy’ figure with a strong sense of justice

I know the type. I used to work with a woman who thought she was a direct person, sometimes clever or sassy, and she thought the reason why no one else could handle it was because of sexism.

The reality was that she was universally hated by everyone, both male and female, and she was an unlikeable asshole.

The laughing emoji is patronising?
Id have thought it was exactly what it appeared- an ironic reflection on the fact that many people's work would never include this. Therefore needed to be clarified. I've certainly never been offered alcohol at a work gathering other than an office Christmas party type thing- voluntary, out of work hours, which is not classed as work .

Asking ANY questions about why someone isn’t drinking is intrusive. Asking two questions is harassing. It is a bit like asking a black person where they come from and when when they say Basildon asking where their family came from.

1. You are pretending that chatting someone up and asking repeated invasive personal questions are the same thing. They aren't.
2. We had compulsory training about personal relationships at work quite recently. It can be summarised as "it's OK to ask, but take rejection gracefully the first time". This guy didn't.

Digressing from the main point to say that it's a play on words, given the Latin roots of the word “patronising”. (She writes, patronisingly.)