Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Everyone lies though including you
It's the social smoothing thing done at work events like this
People don't usually want to go to these things but they pretend they do because they want to keep their job. they're not going to walk around at the event saying this event sucks, my boss is a borish knob just because it's the truth

Did you ask HR whether it is your behaviour being investigated?

It wasn't a bar - wine, water or juice were laid out so it was clear what everyone was drinking. However, he didn't know for sure that I hadn't slugged in some vodka from a hip flask 🤣

"OP would be going into the meeting as a potential liar, and a potential ex-drinker with issues around alcohol and anger issues"

You win most ridiculous post of the day.

There could be any number of reasons why OP doesn't / wasn't drinking which are nobody's business but her own.

What if someone was pregnant at the office and and didn’t want to drink for that reason because she didn’t want to inform her bosses and colleagues if under 12 weeks?

She wouldn’t want anyone drawing attention to the fact that she was not drinking.

This is a sensitive subject for some women and men don’t get this because they don’t face the same workplace discrimination related to pregnancy and maternity leave. It can be a lot to manage.

Nor might someone want to explain or justify religious beliefs in a professional setting?

Or a medical condition or treatment which they want to keep quiet?

Can you not understand why someone would get irritated at a bloke for not taking a hint and for keeping on asking?

It really isn’t woke nonsense!

Next person might react totally differently though, all he has learned so far is that the OP can"t handle normal conversation and the way a lot of people are.

Might be a good idea to ask to have this thread deleted in case anyone from work stumbles over it.

<<One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?">>

You could have just said “I don’t drink at work events” rather than waving your hand, laughing at the question, etc. The way you put it was not making it clear that you didn’t want to discuss it, it was pretty much inviting questions into the apparently multiple “reasons.” It’s trivial though, can’t see any HR problem for either of you.

No.

It's not hard. DO not comment on what other people chose to eat or drink. It's rude.

"You win most ridiculous post of the day."

On this thread? Not even close.

i agree, doubt anything will come of it.

You'd have been better to smile vaguely and move to another group of people. Nobody should question another about drinking.

However I don't think much of whoever reprted this to HR.

How pathetic of him to report you to HR for answering his question.

he asked what reasons you might have and you listed them.

you did nothing wrong. He needs to get a grip.

No, really you should be proud of your achievement. It really is a ridiculous post.

I can think of plenty of rude, intrusive nosey parkers who would make the world a much better place if they did precisely this.

Its a rude and personal question, just like asking people about any other personal issue when they are random colleagues. Making polite chit chat does not require personal questions - just some basic social skills and its not the OP’s job to teach a grown ass man social skills.

Also, as @wacademia points out - telling lies or explaining is apologising and justifying not drinking when no justification is necessary.

This.

it’s so boring when people make out you’re being boring for not drinking.

thankfully the Gen Z’s are changing this as they seem to drink soft drinks and still manage to have fun.

my reason for not drinking is that it triggers migraines that might last for days. It’s hardly worth a drink. And I really don’t want to discuss it on a night out.

Well clearly this: "I was 'forthright' in my stance and body language. I stood with my feet apart, shoulders squared, I made and maintained full eye contact, I didn't smile." was your first problem, did you forget you're not a MAN when you behaved like this!?
If the above is what he's reported you for then he's a little princess and I hope HR put him back in his box.
I was at a work event where a MAN punched another MAN in the face due to a relatively inappropriate comment made, said MAN received a very small rap on the knuckles and was told that despite the event being inside work premises (!!) it was outside of work time, et voila not a problem 🤗

I think the PP was confusing a works event with a speed dating event for inadequate men lacking social skills.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so out of step with the consensus on MN before. If I saw a colleague “see red” over something like this and give a full on “patronising” rant then leave the event I’d really be wondering whether they were ok.

Yes there are lots of private reasons why people don’t drink, but in conversation sometimes people do unthinkingly ask questions like that and part of living amongst other humans is - unless this is a pattern of arseholery or he was being very unpleasant - finding a way to answer or dodge answering without getting furious and storming off.

As a PP has said try being vegan or vegetarian - or having an allergy or taking regular tablets or having visible scarring. People will ask you the same boring questions over and over and unless you want to become furious over and over again you need to find a way to deal with it.

I don’t drink alcohol either and often get asked why not. It really is nobody’s business.

You were not being rude or inappropriate; he was. He was asking a very personal question that you did not have to answer at all. You did not have to tell him anything; it is not his business to know why you are not drinking, eating or doing anything at all. I am certain that it is not you who will be reprimanded but him. If it turns out differently, you are within your rights to complain.

It's a rude and personal question, just like asking people about any other personal issue when they are random colleagues. Making polite chit chat does not require personal questions - just some basic social skills and its not the OP’s job to teach a grown ass man social skills.

Why are posters finding this so difficult to understand?

It was inappropriate of him to press you for a full explanation. I think it’s probably HIM who is being investigated.

if not then it is an open and shut case of discrimination (women more likely to be pregnant), or you could have been muslim
and be put in an awkward situation etc. no HR is going to discipline yiu over thst. In fact I’d bet money HR want to ask you if you felt pressured by the person asking the question.

"Forthright" can come across as brusk, even rude. You may not have meant to be that way, however it may have been taken as such.

Honestly, if this were to happen at my workplace, my money would be on his behaviour being reported rather than OPs. I’m very interested to find out.

He may have got in first as he assumed you might complain about him, pathetic twat