Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

There are so many issues that people can have personal reasons for being upset with though. It doesn’t mean you have to carry around this big chip on your shoulder ready to have a go at someone for asking you a few questions.

I regularly get it - colleague - ‘what are you doing for mothers day’ me ‘nothing much’ colleague ‘why not’ me ‘I’m doing x,y and z’. I don’t launch into a diatribe about the many, many reasons people may find Mother’s Day traumatic.

Well, the OP is casually going to lie...she's been told not to say that she 'saw red' and she's categorically stated 'don't worry, I won't'. So it seems she's OK with that when it suits.

From this entire thread, some of the responses have gone from the sublime to the ridiculous! It makes you wonder what small talk people can have without someone finding it offensive.

"How was your day?"
"I'm so offended that they asked me how my day was, prying into my private life like that!"
"I know, disgusting"
"I hope he's spoken to, it must be so triggering asking how your day was when they don't realise what a shit day you had!"
"You shouldn't ask personal questions like that!"

Sounds ridiculous? So do half of the responses on here, quite frankly!!

So now it's OP's fault her colleague can't hold his drink and becomes inappropriate and unable to adequately read signals?

I think if I were him I would have assumed you'd had a problem with alcohol and I wouldn't ask you any more questions. I do think you overreacted, though. Hard luck on HR for sending you on an assertiveness course and then complaining you're being assertive, though!

I think you handled it badly although I commend your honesty in your OP.
Career success requires good interpersonal skills and you've demonstrated the opposite. You should have brushed it off lightly and inoffensively in that setting - there would be thousands of ways to do this. I doubt you've breached any rules so won't be punished but I would expect this to count against you in an appraisal. Learn not to be so prickly.

It’s the fact he pressed for an answer. The original question was rude and clumsy but easily forgiven. The fact he felt entitled to an answer and pushed is intrusive. The OP had a right to pull him up on this.

Excellent post 👏

On a separate note is it no longer allowed under MN rule to say ODFOD? Have I missed a memo? 😭

She followed the training her employer provided for female leaders to help them occupy space like men do. She wasn’t rude or abusive. She explained why it’s not an appropriate question to ask and certainly shouldn’t be pushed on.

Just reply to the email airily saying “whilst I agree his behaviour was inappropriate and unprofessional, I’ve no interest in taking the matter further at present so I’m happy to draw a line under it.”

Basic etiquette to never comment on what or how much someone else is choosing to eat or drink.

😂this is good

I do wonder though if
A) he was someone senior
B) he got the message you felt intruded on and decided to pre emptively report.
Maybe both the above
Maybe he works in HR?
Sorry if this has been suggested but I'd be doing some research on what role/ department he is in. It seems an odd thing for HR to get involved in. Are they suddenly self conscious about offering drinks?

Why not? If that was his intention,of course. Isn't that how people get together?

Good for you, none of his bloody business why you weren't drinking. He tried to make you feel awkward, it got turned around on him, he didn't like it. Tough.

I just don’t understand why people care at all. I have never been interested in why people drink or don’t. I used to drink quite a lot and now I just cannot handle the hangovers. Why do I need to explain this? It’s not interesting at all.

But why lie ?

Why lie ?

Its just not something that should be commented on if someone is not drinking. They could be newly pregnant, on some serious medical treatment, recovering alcoholic/alcoholic, allergic and so on. Its an inability to accept No as an answer as usual. It was rude and unprofessional to push further once an answer was given.

While I agree that being questioned can be intrusive, your answer of ‘because reasons’ sounds particularly weird. It sounds like you’re asking someone to take the conversation further rather than shutting it down.

This was someone who doesn’t know you, doesn’t give a shit why you aren’t drinking but was just trying (rather ineptly) to make polite conversation. You were spoiling for a fight. All you had to say was ‘No, not really. What did you think about the speaker this afternoon?’.

We only have the OP's version to go on and she seems to have given a fair view. She said she wasn't rude or abusive, but did admit that she was patronising and overacted. However patronising someone can be rude, or perceived to be.

There were two other people in the group who witnessed the interaction (as well as anyone nearby). They'll probably be questioned too. Hopefully they will agree the OP wasn't rude... but there's also the chance they won't.

How is ‘I don’t drink’ going to be a lie? Unless ‘’I’m not drinking tonight’ is more accurate?

I don't like people lying so am frustrated by posters suggesting that's what OP should have done.

However, it's just occured to me, how did the bloke know OP's orange juice didn't have a huge slug of gin or vodka in it?

At this stage, it would be easier to make up a list of things people ARE allowed to talk about/ask 🙄

The things people find to be offended by these days 🙄

So the OP is offended because he asked her why she wasn't drinking. What if he was offended by being spoken down to 'slowly and in a patronising tone' like he was dirt on the bottom of her shoe in front of who knows how many work colleagues?

She went from laughing at his question (which makes her seem friendly) to squaring up her shoulders, standing with her feet apart and putting him in his place with her slow and patronising words. He must have wondered what the hell was going on, and so would the witnesses I don't doubt.

And now she's being encouraged to behave in a certain way with HR to set the narrative. She's going to omit parts of the story. Why?

This. What sort of a world are we living in where people feel they need to snitch to HR over something so pathetic? Thank goodness my working days are behind me.

Sorry I've abandoned the thread- hectic evening! I haven't read all the messages.

The meeting is Friday because of people's diaries - I am on leave tomorrowand Wednesday and the HR person isnt available Thursday. I've taken your advice, written everything down exactly as it happened so it's fresh in my mind. I'll look up policies and procedures Thursday.

I know who the guy is - same seniority as me, different department.