Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

That might not be so terrible.

I imagine they will be checking that you’re okay, rather than telling you off.

Your reaction was probably perceived as quite rude and unusual which may have caused colleagues to think there was something causing you to react like that.

Lots of men going through IVF with their have to give up drinking to help their sperm count

I don't drink much, I generally stick to water because I have inflammatory bowel disease and alcohol can be a trigger which could end up with me coming out or remission and being very ill for several weeks.

If someone mentioned that I wasn't drinking I might side step the question because what do you say? "oh, yes I don't drink because it makes my intestines ulcerate and then I poo blood clots - thanks for asking" ... nice convo for a social event.

If they then pushed I would be very angry indeed.

You need to go to HR on the basis that you may have had a valid medical reason and he was completely out of order to push and upset you like he did and you were trying to get across to him how incredibly rude he was.

Remember the best defence is a good offence.

That does sound a bit aggressive

you might inadvertently make official change at work and stop stupid people asking stupid questions. the man was a twat for asking you twice. if he said to a friend "i asked her why she wasn't drinking. she didn't answer. so i asked her again" i can't imagine many people are going to say "good for you, supersleuth. she was mean not to give you an answer"

LOL, you will be laughed out the door, and probably sacked, if you have been seen having a tantrum at somebody in front of loads of witnesses because they asked you about your mysterious reasons for not drinking at a works drinks party you are not putting anyone on notice you are going to sit quietly in the meeting while they decide what to do with you. If something is private business you say up front that it is Private Business, you could have said "Why am I drinking orange juice? Because I don"t drink pineapple juice you silly fucker" It would have probably gone over better than what the OP actually did!

She did answer though, so unfortunately that logic falls at the first fence.

When asked, I like to mention the study on cancer and alcohol. That way, it throws it back at them and suggests—without actually saying it—'Why do you continue to drink, knowing it has been proven that even moderate drinking increases the risk of getting cancer?

It’s it really so bad to say ‘alcohol doesn’t suit me’ followed by ‘makes me really unwell’?

I really can’t get my head around finding small talk so offensive and difficult to respond to without ‘seeing red’ or getting rude

It was a simple question.
And you are trying to make into Evil Male v. Poor Defenceless Female!!!!
How bl**dy stupid.

The only person who behaved badly is the OP - huge over reaction.

Yes, like the build up to a physical assault, the OP might be in hot water here I think. Luckily it is academia so they will probably just get detention or lines or something?

He was clumsy to ask and probably didn’t
mean to cause offence. But he does need to learn. The biggest mistake he made was to then push further for an answer he had no right to have. It was intrusive.

Lots of questions are inappropriate especially in a work situation where there needs to be a certain respect, because people have to carry on working together. That often means avoiding controversy.

What's your dress size?
Where are you from? No where are you really from?
Why did you take the vegetarian option? The steak is much better.
Tell me about that Star of David you're wearing?

That has been the intention from the start of the thread (I suspect the thread is a wind up though, if not, the OP is getting a bit of a bashing, they deserve respect for posting and flagging their own behaviour IMO)

It's hardly unusual.

That's one of the main reasons for going, surely?

3. is easy - "Because I am a vegetarian you fucking divot", the rest are more tricky.

This is hilarious. I know you're not the only PP to have said this, you're just the most recent.

OP faced the person speaking to her, looked him in the eye and spoke clearly.

So aggressive! She should've half-turned, in a flatteringly submissive pose, while flickering her gaze from under her lashes. She should've smiled and spoken gently, perhaps with the light laughter she gave with her first reply.

Better? Now imagine a man doing that.

OP, you've done nothing wrong. I'm struggling to think what anyone could take issue with, he was nosy and intrusive and your 'reasons' response was a very clear 'I don't want to talk about it'. I'm also wondering whether someone might have reported him - for all you know, he might have form for overstepping.

If he really has reported you, then he's an utter dickhead.

What a ridiculous thing for HR to get involved in.

I would go in absolutely refusing to admit I did anything wrong. He was in the wrong to persist in his questions and I would keep saying that over and over.

Because there can be extremely personal reasons for not drinking that people might not want to get into. OP tried to gently deflect and they stupidly persisted.

Exactly this, I think he was just a few glasses of wine in, OP had joined the circle and they were maybe having a generally jokey conversation and he was including her in the banter, she had coyly said “reasons…” when he teased her about her massive glass of orange juice (I mean really just have a tonic water lol) and he had misinterpreted her response as an opening to be like “oooh what are they then?”

Because normally a non-drinker would just be like “oh I don’t drink!” or “big day tomorrow so need a clear head.”

In saying that, he probably wasn’t the one to complain to HR - it was probably someone else in the vicinity who heard and was concerned. Perhaps they only heard OP’s response and were worried that the guy had been inappropriate and reported it because of that. Or maybe it’s a general wellness check on OP because she responded like that and then left straight afterwards.

I can’t imagine OP is at all in trouble for being short with him! On the off chance that she is, she can just say she was caught off guard and felt that it was an insensitive question but is very happy to take advice/training on how to deal with that in the future etc etc