Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

If you say so. I don't a single person in real life who speaks like that.

It isn"t, he asked why she was drinking orange juice at a works drinks party and she gave an odd open ended mysterious answer and like a normal person he took this as a continuing conversation cue and went on, he was obviously trying to chat the OP up but the problem is the OP"s reaction, it is totally out of place and over the top and just begging for a sit down with HR.

Never go to work functions would be my advice

Do you honestly not see that someone could be a recovering alcoholic, or the partner of one, or on chemotherapy drugs, or newly pregnant or recovering from a medical situation and on antibiotics they don't want to discuss, or adheres to a religion that they don't particularly want to currently get into a conversation about, or had a relative affected by drink-driving, or is addicted to something else and knows that alcohol is a gateway drug for them, or has been made to feel vulnerable before when drunk?

I respectfully disagree. He was given the hint to leave it but he didn't.

He asked a fairly rude question (most grown adults realise there are plenty of reasons why people don't drink), and OP only reacted when he pushed the issue. He was being a dick.

If OP was simply being assertive and patronising, it was no less than he deserved at that point.

Honestly I would hold your ground at the HR meeting. Say you responded to his intrusive questioning, which you didn't appreciate. Ask what policies HR have in place to deal with inappropriate personal questions at work events, especially when alcohol is involved.

Fuck these men who need us to diminish ourselves so they don't feel emasculated.

Did you read the OP?

He didn’t ask why she was drinking orange juice. He asked her why she was not drinking, meaning why she was not drinking alcohol.

Many reasons for not drinking are extremely personal to quite personal - trauma, pregnancy, mental health, physical health, etc through to dieting or heath consciousness. Remember this man knows nothing about the OP. Why did he not just accept that she didn’t want to say? Why did he push her for an answer? Asking was clumsy. Pushing the second time was intrusive and rude. He has been told. He felt shame. He’s gone to HR, ego all bruised.

It was a works do and he doesn't know her at all. He shouldn't have been trying to chat her up!

Of course, but that doesn’t mean a question about why someone doesn’t drink is meant offensively or needs to be reacted to so dramatically.

What rude intrusive questioning, he sounds like a wanker, I’d assume any complaint was about him.

For millions of years genetics has worked quietly in the background, this will continue to make blokes who fancy women say things to keep the conversation going and test for interest from the other person, no amount of woke nonsense and trying to relate protected characteristics to some banter about orange juice at a works drinks party (the clue is in the name) will change this.

Yeah this is exactly what I thought (in response to Ch 5 dramas). Reminds me of the sketches on ‘Not Going Out’. Sounds like the OP expected a round of applause for her witty response.

You sound rude to me OP, it’s just conversation. No idea why he has gone running to HR though.

Again, not about orange juice.

Alcohol. As if drinking intoxicating beverages is the only normal choice and not doing so is something to be remarked upon.

I'm sorry, but respectfully, I can't take you seriously here! You've just said you understand all I've said above but don't understand that sometimes impact matters more than intention?! The point isn't that the question wasn't meant offensively (we don't know if it was), but that no-one is entitled to know why someone isn't drinking alcohol...because of all the things I've mentioned above?! Massive "Can't you even take a JOKE" energy here 😳😱

Christ I think I need a G&T now, ironically.

Absolutely this.
Why should a non drinking woman be forced to be polite to a man she doesn't know, drinking alcohol, asking her to explain why she isn't?
CF.

What if you had a medical condition connected to this?
You need to ask HR to fully explain their position in this.
Ask for a full explanation on paper before the meeting as to what you are being accused of specifically.

Put HR on the spot to full explain themselves.
Are HR saying that any private business is open to random persistent questioning by co workers you don't know?

Decent HR would hand him his arse for this.

By requesting a witness and the meeting recorded, you will be putting them on notice that their handling of this is being taken very seriously by you.

Why didn’t you just say “I don’t drink”

If most people took that attitude many of us wouldn"t be here, millions of people have met at work and at works parties and ended up married etc.

Ugh, ring the "woke nonsense" alarm...I'm bowing out! Best of luck OP and those with more patience than me! @LillyPeaceFlowerSun❣️

Nobody is entitled to know anything about anyone, but it's hardly an outrageous question to ask, ffs.

OP could have just said "it's none of your business"

Exactly the reason why its a terrible thing...............

Just realised this is Academia, the whole HR thing will just be a farce, it is probably some box ticking exercise, the bloke will be Head of something or other and doesn"t want an employee doing their Power Ranger act on him, they will probably transfer the OP to "Drama" or something

Surely he was the one being inappropriate here? He commented on her not drinking, She said she wasn’t drinking and didn’t give a reason, then he pushed saying he’s intrigued and wanted to know the reason. He’s not entitled to know and I’m sure most of us wouldn’t have behaved the way he did!

"I don't like the taste of alcohol".
"I don't drink".

It's an easy question to deflect.

It's inappropriate to ask why someone isn't drinking alcohol. It's inappropriate to try it again. It was intrusive and none of his business.

Your work is tone policing youfor being adamant about not drinking alcohol, sheesh.