Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Make a complaint about his behaviour yourself

Yes, it is like a line from a movie where the character has killed people in the past due to being under the influence or something.

Based on this thread I’d love to work with her. I’d see her as a role model who isn’t scared of calling out poor behaviour.

I know! What a complete and utter knob! Some people these days. Get the fuck over it and stop asking personal questions.
They'll be sending you to HR for sneezing next.

How would you word a complaint that would be taken seriously without making stuff up? Genuinely interested.

It's astonishing how many people are telling you off for not making something up, what the actual fuck??! No-one owes anyone an explanation for whatever they're drinking, and anyone with an ounce of common sense and empathy surely realises this?!

What?!

And a member of your family could have been an alcoholic which left you with deep set trauma.

Perfect answer.

Basically he is persisting with asking a personal question that is of no relevance to him.

With all due respect, what absolute bollocks 🙄

He was very rude to pursue his questioning and ignoring your polite social que that you had no desire nor intention to answer personal questions from someone you hadn't met before.

He's a CF.
I would be putting this back firmly on HR and ask for a full explanation of what you did wrong, and are they telling you that you have to explain your private business to anyone who asks at a work event.

Get them to put it down on paper.

Call ACAS too for advice.
I think his complaint could be seen as harassment and bullying of you, using HR to do it.

Take careful notes and perhaps bring someone with you or request the meeting is recorded.

It’s intrusive questioning. And taps into potentially sensitive information - illness, disability, mental health, health conditions, religion, pregnancy etc. He should have just said something like ‘fair enough’ when she said ‘reasons’ and changed the subject. He should not have pushed her to answer.

Trying to make conversation is "poor behaviour" now? No wonder society is in the mess it is in.

Why should she tho?
He needed telling

Good advice.

Making up a lie on the spot is difficult and has the potential to be caught out and have unintended consequences. OP's point in batting the question to the side was to indicate that it wasn't any of his business - something he should have known in the first place, given it's a work do and he doesn't know OP at all, and should certainly have understood from that. Him not taking the hint was annoying and entitled, though I agree the response was a ramp up that was unnecessary and there were probably more cordial ways of handling it, it was probably the most effective way to make sure he didn't continue to try and cajole a reason out her.

Making conversation = great.

Pushing someone to share personal information they clearly don’t want to share= not ok.

But the OP, or anyone else for that matter, should not be placed in a position where they have to make something up. The rude person here was the man who asked a personal question one that has lots of potential answers, some of them REALLY personal - and didn’t accept the OP’s initial response. Anyone with an ounce of social etiquette would recognise that response as ‘this isn’t something I wish to discuss’, but this man for his own reasons chose not to do that. So the OP educated him firmly and he didn’t like it.

Because it's an easy, non-offensive answer. Just saying "oh, you know, reasons" is just bizarre.

I honestly don't understand how a question about why someone isn't drinking is "personal". She could just have said "because I fancied an orange juice"

Interesting that anyone was stupid enough to organise a work event with alcohol being served

Why? For asking why she wasn't drinking?

I don't drink and I've never once been offended by someone asking me why.

Politely, if you think the OP is more culpable for society's problems than nosy, entitled men with limited empathy or understanding of social mores, then you might be part of the problem.

No. It’s an on the spot, truthful and authentic answer to a personal question when put in the spot.

lol exactly. It's just not how people speak outside of shitty Channel 5 dramas.